


No Surrender

by Beth_Penrose



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, F/M, I rewatched ghost and they're super gay, Kinda AU, also beasts obsession didn't happen cause otherwise he'd be dead, and kinda sorta barson, but nothing actually happens, child endangerment, could be kinda barisi if you squint, except that alex and casey are wives, except that this became a lot more rolivia than i intended, implied past bensler, implied past cabenson, lewis is back, set in season 19 but some things are different
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-04-24 01:08:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 25
Words: 52,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14344788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beth_Penrose/pseuds/Beth_Penrose
Summary: William Lewis has been in a coma for four years, after some cupcakes that were meant to help him escape almost stopped his heart. Now he's awake, he's coming for Olivia, and he'll use her son to get to her.





	1. Lewis' Return

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [It Takes A Village to Raise A Child (And One to Tear It Apart)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14072226) by [Lavender_Tea_Petals](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavender_Tea_Petals/pseuds/Lavender_Tea_Petals). 



> Set roughly in Season 9, but all the stuff with Sheila didn't happen, cause that would make it really hard for someone to kidnap Noah again. Also Barba's still here because screw this new guy.  
> Also I know there are some similar fics out there, which kinda helped me with this one (and which I'll be saying inspired me, to keep things kosher), but they're different enough that I don't think I'm doing wrong by writing this. I highly suggest if you liked this, though, that you check out similar works.

_They call it a medical miracle. Sometimes a person in a coma, a person for whom all hope is lost, will just wake up. No one knows why or how. They just observe it, and they celebrate. Not this time. when William Lewis woke up from a coma no one called it a miracle. No one even observed it. And certainly no one celebrated. Instead, William Lewis woke up from a four-year coma alone, in Bellevue’s medical ward, and grinned. Finally, his time had come._

**4:17pm, SVU Squad Room**  
It was a busy day in SVU, and Lieutenant Olivia Benson’s office had been practically a rotating door. Fin had just left after reporting about an attack at a subway station and Olivia was taking just a minute before going out into the squad room to get her team moving on the case. She ran her hand through her hair wearily. She felt so tired lately, between the cases constantly rolling in and a five-year-old at home, demanding so much energy. When she opened her eyes a photograph of Noah stared up at her and she felt the slightest of smiles pulling at the corners of her mouth. She loved her son, just like she loved her job. She just sometimes wondered if she was getting too old for all of this. Maybe she should have retired when Ed had suggested it, left all of this to the young Rollins and Carisis of the world. Olivia shook the thoughts from her mind. She was here, making as much a difference as she could, and there was a new victim waiting on their help.  
Olivia walked into the squad room to see Carisi throwing on his suit jacket, and Amanda already waiting by the door. Fin handed her a file, which she flipped through without really reading, already giving orders. “Rollins, Finn, you head to the crime scene. I’ll go with Carisi to talk to the victim.” And with those directions they rolled out. 

**4:50 pm, Mercy Hospital**  
Olivia and Sonny arrived at the hospital and were promptly directed to the victim’s room. Besides having a black eye and split lip she looked healthy. After nineteen years Olivia knew that didn’t mean that she was okay.  
“Bethany,” she said in her softest voice as she stepped into the room, “I’m Lieutenant Benson, with special victims. This is Detective Carisi. We heard you were attacked.”  
“Yeah,” the girl answered, but didn’t volunteer anything else. She didn’t look at Olivia or Sonny, instead staring down at a hair tie on her wrist. She snapped it against her wrist once, then twice. Olivia’s phone vibrated in her pocket, and with one deft movement she swiped ignore.  
“Okay,” she continued, “I know this is hard, but can you tell us what happened?” Bethany shrugged and as her dark hair moved around her shoulders it struck Olivia how young she was, how small.  
“I was on the subway platform near my school, waiting for the train. I was standing next to this supply closet and he grabbed me and pulled me in. then he…” she trailed off, not finishing the sentence.  
“He assaulted you?” Olivia provided the words carefully. Bethany gritted her teeth, looking up at both of them for the first time. Her blue eyes were filled with rage.  
“He tied me up, gagged me. I was stuck in that closet for hours until someone found me.” Olivia repressed a shudder.  
“Can you tell me anything about what he looks like?” The fire that had come into Bethany’s eyes was still there, but she looked a little less sure.  
“I don’t know much. He was average height, pretty skinny. He wasn’t that strong, but he had a knife and I…” she took a deep breath. “I didn’t fight him.”  
“Hey, that’s not your fault. Bethany, you did everything right. You survived. Did he say anything?”  
“Yeah, he talked a lot.” Bethany’s voice was strong again, emboldened by Olivia’s reassurance. “He said that I had pretty hair and it reminded him of someone he knew. Someone he missed and hoped to see again soon.” Olivia and Sonny shared a quick look. Could there be another target?  
“Did he say who?” Bethany shook her head.  
“No, but he said other things. He said he wished we could have more time together. He told me,” she paused, as if gathering strength. But when she spoke her voice was steady and her gaze didn’t waiver. “He told me everything he wanted to do, if he weren’t in a rush. Things with cigarettes, and alcohol, and a blowtorch.” With every word Olivia felt her pulse quicken, and Bethany’s voice grew fainter. That sounded like… but no, there was no way. He was in a coma, had been for years. It had to be someone else and she was overreacting. Still, she had to make sure.  
“That’s very good, Bethany. We’re almost done, but would it be okay if Detective Carisi finished talking to you?” Bethany hesitated, but nodded. Carisi shot her a look, clearly confused, and Olivia could understand why. He hadn’t been around the first time she had dealt with this monster; he wouldn’t know what was affecting her. And usually she wouldn’t leave a victim alone with a man. But Bethany seemed like a strong one, and Sonny was as sympathetic a detective as she could hope for. Besides, there was something she had to check on.  
Out in the hall she grabbed the first nurse to pass by.  
“The EMTs that brought Bethany James in, are they still here?”  
“One of them. Johnson, over there.” The nurse gestured to a young man in a white EMT uniform leaning against a counter at the end of the hall. Olivia thanked her and made her way over.  
“Johnson?” the man turned to her.  
“Yes. How can I help you?”  
“Did you find Bethany James?”  
“Yeah, in the subway closet. Everything okay?”  
“How did you find her? She was tied up?”  
“Yeah, with duct tape. She was banging against the door with her feet. She was hanging from a peg, her shirt torn open.” Olivia felt the ground shift beneath her and she grabbed the counter for support. Darkness swam in her vision and she found it hard to breathe. Her legs gave out and she felt someone, probably Johnson, grab her under the arms.  
“Lieutenant!” Carisi’s voice came as if from the other end of a long tunnel, not a short hallway. He came sprinting over, and together he and Johnson lead her over to a chair. Sonny knelt so that they were eye level. “Liv, what’s going on?” But Olivia couldn’t answer, couldn’t make her brain come up with the words or form them as one thought ran over and over in her mind. _William Lewis is back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDK if the government would pay to keep a prisoner in a coma on life support, but if they can pay to bomb Syria they can pay to keep Lewis alive for my trash fic.  
> I didn't realize until after I published this that there's another fic by the same name so I swear I'll change it when I can come up with something decent.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't expecting to get this up right away, but I'm on a roll. As always, please leave feedback!

Eventually, Olivia was able to snap herself out of her thoughts. She turned to Carisi, her mind already working a million miles an hour.  
“Call Rollins. Tell her and Finn to get back to the squad room, asap. Tell them I’ll fill them in when we get back.” She could have Carisi tell Fin and Amanda about Lewis, but she didn’t want to say it out loud. Not if she wasn’t sure. Carisi looked confused, but did as she said, already pulling up Amanda’s number. Olivia pulled out her own phone. She could see three missed calls. She remembered the first one, but the others must have come when she was interviewing Bethany, or when she was busy trying not to pass out. They were all from Lucy. Usually she didn’t call this much but… maybe Noah had hurt himself at school and she wanted Olivia to know right away. Either way, it would have to wait. There was another call she had to make first.  
“Bellevue,” the voice on the other end picked up after a couple rings.  
“Yes, this is Lieutenant Olivia Benson with Manhattan’s Special Victims Unit. You have a patient by the name of William Lewis. Has anyone checked on him recently?”  
“I’m not sure. I can transfer you.”  
“Do that.” Every second that Olivia was on hold made her more anxious. After a minute a different voice picked up.  
“Bellevue Medical Ward.”  
“Check on William Lewis.” This time Olivia didn’t bother introducing herself, her sense of professionalism lost.  
“Lewis? The coma guy? Why? I promise he didn’t just walk away.”  
“Just do it.” It took all of Olivia’s will to keep an even tone, when what she wanted was to reach through the phone and strangle the guy.  
“Fine. Hold.” This time the tinny hold music played for so long Olivia was afraid they’d forgotten about her. And if that was the case she would truly lose her mind. Just as she was about to hang up and grab a cab to Bellevue the man came back on the line.  
“You still there?”  
“Yes,” Olivia managed through gritted teeth. “Did you check on Lewis?”  
“Yeah. Thing is, you know how I said there’s no way he just walked away?” That was all Olivia had to hear for her worst fears to be confirmed.  
“My name is Lieutenant Olivia Benson with the NYPD. Alert your superiors. Put the hospital on lockdown. Someone will be over there within minutes.” Without another word Olivia hung up. Carisi was staring at her in confusion.  
“Lieutenant, what’s going on?”  
“William Lewis has escaped.” Saying the words out loud felt wrong. They were words she had only said in nightmares. She never expected them to actually come out of her mouth. It took several seconds for Sonny to place the name that he had probably only heard on the news before. When he did the horror on his face was evident.  
“William Lewis the rapist who kidnapped you?” Olivia nodded, not trusting her own voice. She took off down the hall, trusting Sonny to follow. He did. “What’s the plan?”  
“I don’t- I don’t know yet,” Olivia hated to admit it, but the room was threatening to start spinning again. “We’re going to get back to the precinct, and we’ll figure out how far he’s gotten." Olivia’s phone buzzed, and she remembered the missed calls. The timing was horrible, but she knew that she had to figure out what Lucy needed. She dialed the number and her babysitter picked up after the second ring.  
“Hi, Liv. Sorry to bother you at work. I just wanted to confirm Noah’s after school plans.” _What?_ Olivia didn’t understand, but there was so much happening in her mind right now. Maybe she had forgotten something.  
“What after school plans, Lucy?”  
“His friend’s dad picked him up. I got a call from the school saying it was okay and you knew.”  
“There weren’t any plans. Lucy, stay by the phone. I’m going to call the school and sort this out. I’m sure it’s all a misunderstanding.” Or at least she hoped it was. Olivia called the school next.  
“Riverside Academy, main office. This is Joan speaking.”  
“Joan, this Olivia Benson. My son Noah is in Mrs. Rhineheart’s kindergarten class. I need to speak to her.”  
“I’ll transfer you, Ms. Benson. Please hold.” For the third time in ten minutes Olivia found herself listening to some generic hold music. She vaguely wondered if they all used the same playlist. After several minutes they had made it to the car, and Carisi was driving them towards the precinct. And Olivia was still on hold. _Where the hell is the teacher?_ A few more seconds and the line picked up.  
“Riverside Academy, main office. Jo-“  
“Joan, this is Olivia Benson again.”  
“Oh, did Mrs. Rhineheart not pick up? That’s strange. Maybe she left early. I’ll go check.”  
“Don’t bother. I’m on my way now.” As she hung up the phone Olivia suppressed a groan. This was the last thing she needed. But something was off, something more than an absent teacher. And she needed to check it out for herself. “Carisi, change of course. Take us to Riverside Academy.”  
**5:30pm, Riverside Academy, Manhattan**  
The car barely stopped before Olivia practically threw herself out of it. She ran up the steps of the school and was greeted outside the main office by the secretary, Joan. She looked unsteady on her feet.  
“Did you find the teacher?”  
“No. But her classroom… I’ve never seen it like that.” Carisi had just made it inside and Olivia was already moving down the hall.  
“Call CSU, get them down here,” she called over her shoulder. “Get Rollins and Finn, too.” As she rounded the corner and approached Noah’s classroom, Olivia already knew what she would find. The desks were overturned, the beanbag seats were slashed, their foam innards spread across the carpet. Dozens of sheets of paper were strewn about the room. There was no mistaking a crime scene. Olivia knew she should wait for the techs to arrive, but she wasn’t thinking as rationally as she should be, and so she was already rushing across the room to the supply closet on the opposite wall. It was unlocked. Even though she was pretty sure she knew what to expect after so many years Olivia was taken aback when she opened the closet door. Hanging inside, bound and gagged, clothes torn open and riddled with burn marks and bruises, was Noah’s teacher. 

_“He’s a well-respected man about town,” Lewis sang along with the radio, glancing in his rearview mirror. The boy in the backseat was still sleeping. Good. The last thing he needed was that little brat screaming. Or worse, trying to talk to him. Almost absentmindedly, Lewis wondered if they had discovered little Noah was missing yet. Well, if he was being honest, he wondered if_ she _had discovered it yet. What a busy day it had been! It had been less than twelve hours since he had spontaneously woken up from his coma and already he’d found a change of clothes and had found a public library where there was still open computer access, a rare thing in this day and age. Everyone was so worried about the pedophiles these days. But anyone staring over William Lewis’ shoulder wouldn’t see any porn, only research on one of New York’s finest.  
And boy was Lewis surprised by what he found. Olivia Benson was a lieutenant now. There were at least half a dozen articles about the work she’d done in the past years, solving high profile cases, taking command of SVU. He knew she had ambition, but to go from a detective to command of a unit in four years? That was impressive. Then again, all she ever had to do was bat those eyelashes and Olivia could get whatever she wanted. It had worked well enough at the trial. Just the thought of it made Lewis angry enough to tighten his grip on the steering wheel. To be convicted based on those lies she had told about him! To make it sound like she was the victim, when he was the one who had been handcuffed and beaten within an inch of his life. What gave her the right! In his anger Lewis accidentally leaned against the horn, and the brief sound was enough to send the boy in the backseat stirring. After a couple of seconds, he settled back in, though, and Lewis breathed out a sigh of relief. The boy had been the biggest surprise of all. There had only been one article about his adoption, and Lewis thought at first it had to be a mistake. Olivia Benson: workaholic, queen of daddy_ and _mommy issues, capable of violent outbursts, a mother? And willingly at that, not knocked up and too self-righteous for an abortion? If the boy wasn’t in the car with him right now Lewis wasn’t sure he could believe it. Of course, it made his job a lot easier. Speaking of which… he checked the dashboard clock. They had to be discovering the teacher soon. What a treat that would be. Ten more minutes, he told himself. Ten more minutes and he’d contact her. “Almost time to call mommy,” he sang sung to no one in particular, before turning the radio up. “And he’s oh so good, and he’s oh so fine. And he's oh so healthy in his body and his mind.”_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who wrote another chapter instead of writing an essay for school!  
> This one is vaguely Amanda/Olivia but like if you squint and cock your head to one side. Might or might not be more of that later, I'm just gonna let any ships develop organically.

****

**5:50pm, SVU Squad room  
** “The teacher’s at Mercy. Still unconscious, but stable,” Amanda called across the room, having just hung up the phone. “The staff knows to call us the second she comes around.”  
“Okay, everyone, this is what we know.” Olivia stood in front of the squad. Her voice and gaze were steady, and to anyone who didn’t know her well she’d appear to be in complete control. Her team could see through the cracks, though. Despite her calm demeanor Liv was panicking. “Sometime between midnight and…” Olivia raised a hand in question… “approximately one pm William Lewis spontaneously woke up from a four-year long coma, and promptly escaped from Bellevue Prison Hospital. After escaping he raped a young woman on a subway platform. This does seem to be a random attack meant to get our attention. The next thing he did, as far as we can tell, is go to Riverfront Academy, where he raped and tortured a kindergarten teacher. He took her car and her cellphone, which is turned off. He also…” Olivia’s voice broke, and she had to pause. In the silence Fin spoke up.  
“He took Liv’s kid. Five years old, brown hair, you all know. Here are photos for anyone who needs a reminder.” He was passing them out when the doors to the squad room opened. Everyone turned to see Chief Dodds step into the room.  
“I just got the word. Lieutenant, your office, now.” Taking one last look at her son’s photograph pinned to the board in front of them, Olivia turned and followed the chief. As soon as they were in the office she shut the door.  
“Chief-“  
“I’m taking over here, Lieutenant. You can’t lead this investigation.”  
“I can, actually. I’m most familiar with Lewis, with his patterns and what he’s going to do next.”  
“And I’ll consult you for that information. But there is no way you can have a clear head about this.”  
“That’s my son out there. You don’t understand.”  
“I don’t understand? I don’t understand what it’s like for my son to be in danger? To fear losing him?” Olivia bit back her retort, ashamed. Chief Dodds had made it clear that he didn’t hold her responsible for what had happened to Mike, but that didn’t mean that Olivia didn’t blame herself.  
“I’m sorry, Chief. That was out of line. I just- I can’t let anything happen to Noah.”  
“And I understand that. Believe me, I do. And I swear to you, on Michael’s grave, we’re going to catch this son of a bitch. But I need you to let me lead.” Olivia nodded. Just as the tension began to disperse between them Olivia’s phone began to ring, a sensation that almost made her jump out of her skin. She fumbled it out of her pocket and looked at the screen.  
“Unknown number. Video call. It’s got to be him.” Dodds nodded in agreement. He moved to stand in front of Olivia, where a front facing camera wouldn’t catch him.  
“Go ahead. Pick up.” Taking one last deep breath she pushed the green accept button. Olivia had braced herself for this, but when Lewis’ face filled the screen in front of her it felt like a punch in the stomach.  
“Hi there, sweetheart. Did you miss me?” Olivia couldn’t respond. In her mind’s eye she was back in her old apartment, being drowned in vodka. “What, cat got your tongue? That’s too bad. There’s someone here who was hoping to talk to you.” Lewis swung the phone around, and Olivia could see Noah in the back seat. Inexplicably, her first thought was _he doesn’t have his car seat._ Of course, that was the least of her worries. Because Noah’s expression was terrified, and she could see the paths that tears had made down his face. Her stomach clenched with horror. With Lewis’ temper how long could he put up with a crying child before he did something rash? In addition to the fear, though seeing Noah’s face had brought Olivia out of her flashbacks, and she found her voice.  
“Lewis, let him go. It’s me you want. Tell me when and where and I’ll come meet you. You don’t need to do anything to him.” Lewis appeared to consider this for a moment. In reality, Olivia knew he was playing with her. He had a plan, and if it was capturing her he would have said so.  
“Mmmm… Maybe eventually. First, there’s a little something I need you to do.”  
“Anything,” the word came out of Olivia’s mouth immediately. “I’ll do anything. Just please… Please don’t hurt him.”  
“Now, Olivia. I’d say begging is beneath you, but we both know that’s not true.” _Back in the beach house, a gun in her mouth. “Please. I want to live. I’ll do anything.”_ She shook her head. She couldn’t afford to be lost to the memories right now. “You’ll get your chance later, I promise. In the meantime, I’d suggest talking to that teacher.” Without another word the line went dead. As soon as Lewis disappeared from her screen Olivia felt her knees buckle. She grabbed onto a nearby chair for support, fully aware that her boss could see the tears that ran down her cheeks, could hear the animal cry escaping her throat, and not caring. 

 

Olivia had just managed to pick herself up off the floor when there was a knock at her office door. She reached for the box of Kleenex she kept on her desk. For the victims, she thought offhandedly. She didn’t make eye contact with Chief Dodds as she walked across the room and opened the door. Amanda was standing there expectantly, and Olivia wondered how long she had waited before knocking. Had she heard the sobs from inside the office and waited for them to quiet down? Had she wasted precious moments tiptoeing around her boss’s emotions? No, Rollins was a good detective. And she didn’t wear kid gloves.  
“What have you got?” If Rollins noticed the puffiness in Olivia’s eyes she didn’t say anything, instead pushing briskly ahead.  
“The teacher woke up. She’s ready to be interviewed.” Olivia nodded. Finally, some good news. “Okay, come with me to the hospital. Finn, head to the school. Sonny, get Lucy in here. I need to know exactly what she was told.”  
“Lieutenant,” the call came from just inside Olivia’s office and she turned to see Chief Dodd’s. “Take a couple of unis with you.”  
“I-“ Olivia opened her mouth to protest. She didn’t need babysitters, she needed to find her son.  
“That’s an order.” Obviously, argument was futile, and after her breakdown Olivia knew she should be thankful he wasn’t taking her off the case all together. So, she just nodded.  
“Let’s go then.” 

****

**6:40pm, Mercy Hospital  
** Usually when Olivia went to interview a victim she was careful to be as calm and reassuring as possible. She knew before she even went in the room that any number of horrors were possible, and that the victim needed someone who would seem unerringly strong in her corner. This time, though, her charade of calm was more of a crooked mask the day after Halloween than an actual persona.  
“Meredith,” she addressed the teacher as soon as she and Rollins entered the room. “What happened?”  
“Lieutenant Benson. I’m so sorry. I- he-“ Olivia wanted to reach across the gurney and strangle the woman. Instead she forced herself to take a deep breath and speak evenly.  
“It’s alright, Meredith. Just tell us what happened.”  
“He came in as school was getting out. He said that he was your- your boyfriend and that he was there to pick up Noah for you.”  
“And you didn’t call me?” Amanda shot Olivia a cautioning look, which she chose to ignore.  
“Liv.”  
“I’m sorry. I know it’s against the rules. But he said he was planning a surprise birthday party for you and wanted Noah’s help. He said I should tell the babysitter it was a playdate, so it would be a surprise. He was just so charming, until- until-“ She broke into sobs, her long blonde hair tumbling into her face.  
“Until what?” Olivia replied, her face heating up with rage. “Until he raped you? Until he put out his lit cigarettes on your skin? Or when he stole my son and you let him?!” Sometime during her tirade she had leaned forward and by the time she finished she was almost shouting in the woman’s face.  
“Olivia!” Amanda snapped. Her fingers dug into her Lieutenant’s suit jacket, pulling her back in a way that she normally wouldn’t have dared. She normally wouldn’t have needed to. Olivia shook her off but backed away.  
“Rollins, finish up here. I’m going to call Finn.” Without another word Olivia spun on her heel and left the room. At the school the security tapes caught a tall man that could have been Lewis but was wearing a baseball cap that obscured his face. Furthermore, there were no cameras in the classroom, only in the hallways and at the entrances. And there was no sign of either Lewis or Noah leaving. So basically, they had nothing. “There has to be something, Finn. Find it.” Olivia furiously mashed the red end call button. She didn’t realize how tense she was until a light hand on her shoulder made her jump. She spun to see Amanda standing behind her.  
“Jesus, Amanda. Don’t sneak up on me like that.”  
“Liv,” Amanda’s tone was soft, and Olivia instantly hated recognizing it. It was the same tone she used with an uneasy victim. But she kept herself from lashing out again. Just.  
“Did she tell you anything useful?”  
“No.” Amanda tried to keep the judgement out of her voice, but a little bit leaked through.  
“Of course not. Let’s get back to the precinct.”  
On the way back they drove in silence, Amanda giving an almost unnecessary focus to the road ahead and Olivia staring out the passenger’s window without really seeing anything. They were only a few minutes away from the precinct when Amanda spoke.  
“I get it.” She still looked straight ahead and for a second Olivia thought maybe she had imagined it.  
“What?”  
“When something like this happens it’s like, you’re a victim. You know it and everyone else knows it, too. But you’re still a cop.” Amanda stopped talking. There was so much more she wanted to say. After her rape she had known the statistics. She had known every possibility of how this would go and knew there was none that worked in her favor. And so, she had kept her mouth shut. Because what else could she do? They said knowledge is power but all her knowledge as a cop had left her isolated. And if she were in this situation? If it were Jesse that were taken? Amanda knew she would take having Patton on top of her in that hotel room a hundred times over before she risked her daughter. But of course, she didn’t know how to say any of this. Loud, stubborn Amanda Rollins didn’t know how to admit that she felt so much on her lieutenant’s behalf. And she knew they were too alike for Liv to accept her sympathy anyways. So instead she silently reached out and gave Olivia’s hand a quick pat. As she was about to pull away she was surprised to feel Olivia reach out and grab her hand. Another person might pull back from hard she clung on, her nails digging in almost hard enough to break skin. Amanda didn’t even wince.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this one might be a little ooc, but this is also Liv's worst nightmare, so maybe not. Either way, I like the direction it's going in. As always, I appreciate feedback so much.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up, this one's a bit shorter, but it's also a lot darker than the other ones so far. Warning for the possible child abuse I had mentioned in the tags.

 

            _William Lewis was getting impatient. What was taking Olivia so long? She should have gotten the teacher’s message by now. And yet he hadn’t heard anything. He thought she would be willing to do anything to save her son, but maybe he had overestimated her. Or maybe she just needed the right incentive. In fact… walking out of the gas station he saw a pay phone in the corner of the parking lot. Now those were rare. Of course, if he made a call from there they’d be able to trace it and he’d have to haul ass out of there. It only took Lewis a couple of seconds of deliberation. This would be fun. and after dragging around Olivia’s kid all afternoon he deserved a little fun. Speaking of which… Lewis strode back to the car. Noah was sitting in the backseat, staring down at his hands._

_“Hey, buddy.” Noah glanced up, the fear clear on his face. “You want to talk to your mommy?” The kid nodded, suddenly animated again._

_“Yeah!”_

_“Great. Let’s get out here.” When Lewis grabbed Noah’s arm to pull him out of the car he started crying. Again. Lewis ground his teeth. He was definitely going to enjoy this next part. He popped a couple of quarters into the payphone and typed in the number, a wicked grin spreading across his face._

Olivia was just stepping out of her car when she saw Carisi already rushing up to them.

            “Lieutenant!”

            “Carisi, what is it?”

            “Lewis is on the phone inside. He’ll only talk to you.” Olivia rushed into the precinct, closely followed by Rollins and Carisi. Inside everyone was frozen, waiting for her. Finn held the nearest handset out and as she took it he mouthed the word _tracing_. She nodded in acknowledgement. Taking the phone, she gestured for everyone to be quiet, then hit the speaker button.

            “Lieutenant Benson speaking.” On the other end Lewis sounded amused.

            “Lieutenant Benson? How… formal, considering how well we knew each other.” When he spoke again his tone was darker. “Take me off speakerphone, Olivia.” She looked across the desk at Chief Dodds, who nodded. Bringing the receiver to her ear, she clicked the phone off speaker.

            “Okay, Lewis. It’s just us.”

            “What are you playing at, sweetheart?” He practically growled the pet name.

            “What do you mean?” Olivia answered, treading carefully. There was something going on here she had missed, and that made her nervous.

            “I take it you’ve talked to dear Noah’s teacher?” Hearing her son’s name in this monster’s mouth made Olivia want to throw up. But she did her best to keep the disgust out of her voice when she replied.

            “Yes.”

            “Then was she too stupid to give you my instructions or are you just too proud to follow them?” Realization dawned on Olivia, stark and horrific. Meredith Rhineheart had had more to say and she’d been too terrified and ashamed to say it. guilt twisted in Olivia’s stomach and she struggled to find something to say.

            “Lewis, listen, I…” She stopped, unsure what to say. _I what? I made a mistake? I screwed up?_ “I’m sorry.” The words felt heavy in her mouth, dead.

            “Sorry? Nah, sweetheart, you ain’t sorry yet. But you will be.” He put down the phone momentarily, and Olivia could hear a scuffle on the other end of the line. Her heart leaped into her throat. She put her hand over the receiver.

            “How’s the trace going?” She whispered. One of the techs made a circular motion for her to keep Lewis talking. She nodded.

            “Olivia, you still there?” Lewis’ voice came back on the phone.

            “Yeah, yeah I’m here. What’s going on over there? Can you tell me?” Olivia tried to think like a cop. _Come on, Liv,_ she cached herself. _It’s hostage negotiation. You’ve done this a hundred times._

            “Yeah, sure, I can tell you. I’m here with Noah. Noah, say hi to your mommy.” A slight rustling as the receiver changed hands.

            “Mommy?” Olivia almost fell over, dizzy with relief. That was her son! Her precious son who was scared and in danger but at least alive. At least he could talk to her and she was hearing his voice.

            “Hey, my love,” she tried, unsuccessfully, to force the trembling out of her own voice. “How are you? Are you safe?”

            “Mommy, I’m scared.”

            “I know. I know. But you’re going to be okay, sweet boy.  You’re going to be okay.” There was more background noise as the phone was briefly taken from him and the next thing Olivia heard was Lewis’ voice again.

            “Remember your son’s voice, Olivia. Remember how he sounds so innocent. Because I’m a little hurt that you didn’t get my full message. And I’m gonna have to do something about that.”

“No, Lewis you don’t. I swear. Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it. I’m not playing games.”

“Well that’s too bad, because I am. To start, Noah and I are going to play ‘eenie meenie miney moe.’ Come on, buddy, give me your hands.”

“Lewis, what are you doing?”

“Right, sweetie. I forgot you like to hear the details. Well, right now I’m holding your son’s hands in mine. They’re so small, so _breakable_.” Lewis said that last word with a horrible emphasis that made Olivia’s blood run cold. From the chuckle across the phone line Lewis knew that she understood. “Okay, Noah, you know how to play, right? Here we go. I’m starting at his thumb, Olivia. Then his index finger. Eenie… Meenie…” Olivia could imagine his large hands gliding over Noah’s small ones, touching each finger lightly.

“No, don’t. Lewis, please. Don’t.” He ignored her.

“Miney… Moe.” On the last word Olivia could just barely make out a sharp and sickening _crack_ of breaking bone. What wasn’t hard to hear were the screams. Olivia would have recognized them anywhere. They were the screams that she heard at night when Noah had nightmares. They were the screams that he made when he fell down and bloodied his knee. Except that these were so much worse.

“Lewis!” Olivia wanted nothing more than to be back in the beach house with the man, to feel the heft of the metal bar in her arms, and to beat him again. Over and over until his skull gave in and his blood ran over her feet and he would never live to hurt her son. Instead, she was stuck, helpless, in the squad room. With one sweep of her arms the contents of the desk went flying in every direction. Everyone in the room jumped back at least half a foot. Of course, they didn’t hear what Lewis was doing. They didn’t know how he had just hurt a child. It must just look like Lieutenant Benson was cracking under the stress.

“Olivia,” came the voice again. “Are you still there?” She didn’t answer. She didn’t need to. He could hear her labored breathing. He knew. “This is what I want. I want you to tell the truth. In public, on the news. Tonight. You’re going to tell everyone what really happened, or you’re never going to see your boy again.” With that the line went dead. And without another word Lieutenant Olivia Benson dashed from the squad room, down the hall, and made it almost all the way to the nearest bathroom before violently throwing up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was actually kinda hard to write. But, you know, Lewis didn't pull his punches so I can't either. As always, I love the feeback I've gotten so far and look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so this one's a bit longer. But I got going and didn't want to cut it off. And also I'm really bad at proofreading, so if there are any grammar errors or anything tough tiddies.

Olivia had never been more thankful for her team than she was when they circled the wagons around her puking form. A small crowd of unis and civilians had gathered on either side of the hallway, eager to see what was happening. Rollins and Carisi each took a side to fend off the crowds. Sonny flapped his arms in a gesture that would have been comical otherwise, hollering “Shoo! Get outta here, you vultures!” Amanda just stared down anyone who got to close, daring them to try to push past her. No one did. Rafael Barba had arrived at some point and was now holding back Olivia’s hair. To her that was almost the most surprising part. Barba wasn’t known for getting his hands dirty and he hadn’t even taken the time to roll up his sleeves. He didn’t say anything, just rubbed her back with his free hand.

            After the bile stopped coming up Olivia dared a look up. The first thing she saw was Barba. His gaze was not unsympathetic, but it was analytical. Olivia recognized it from years of watching him with witnesses. He was about to tell her something that she wouldn’t want to hear and was gauging her reaction.

            “Olivia, you need to pull it together.”

            “Excuse me?” She managed to splutter out, feeling indignant despite everything. “Did you hear what happened? My son is missing, Rafael.” He nodded.

            “And I recognize that. But Noah needs someone strong in his corner. And, Olivia Benson, you are incredibly strong. But you are falling apart, which is not going to get him back. So, I repeat: you need to pull yourself together.” He was right. Of course, he was right. The guilt and the crack of bones twisted inside her and she knew that they could tear her apart if she let them. But she also knew that Raphael was right. She had already let her emotions control her and it had gotten Noah hurt. She couldn’t afford that amount of weakness again. Already, she was straightening up, tucking back her hair, and forcing her brain to formulate a plan beyond the pain and fear. She opened her mouth to say something to Barba when a young officer forced his way past the gathered crowd.

            “Lieutenant!” Olivia bit back some frustration before replying.

            “What is it?”

            “The chief wants to see you.” Olivia’s hands were still shaking and she balled them into fists to steady them. At the end of the hallway that lead into the squad room. Finn was waiting with a glass of water.

            “You okay?” He asked low enough for just the two of them to hear. She wasn’t but she nodded anyways. Through the windows she could see Chief Dodds waiting in her office.

            “After I’m done here I need to talk to you and Barba. Outside.” He understood what she really meant: alone.

            “Copy that.”

            Ideally Olivia would have liked to take a minute to washer face and fix her hair before being confronted with the chief, but she knew it was unwise to keep him waiting. So, she guzzled the water, wiped her face with a tissue and ran a hand through her hair in a futile attempt to flatten it into place. In her mind’s eye she knew the image she was putting forth was still imperfect, but it would have to do.

            Inside the office Olivia shut the door without being asked. She had barely done so when Dodd’s whirled on her.

            “What the hell did Lewis say to you?” Despite her shock at his demeanor Olivia was choosing her words carefully. She needed the Chief to know enough to believe she was telling the truth, but not too much that he would get in the way of what she had to do.

            “He was angry. He wanted me to suffer for what had happened to him.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “He hurt Noah. He broke his bones and made me listen to his screams.” Chief Dodds looked horrified.

            “Oh my God.”

            “Yeah.” They stood in silence for several seconds before Dodds continued.

            “Well, the good news is we were able to trace the call. The bad news is it was to a payphone.” Olivia was already heading to the door.

            “Let’s go.”

            “Detectives Carisi and Rollins have already been instructed to go.” Dodds’ tone had shifted and it set Olivia on edge.

            “Chief, whatever it is you’re trying to say, just say it.”

            “I’m sorry, Lieutenant, but you’re off the case.”

            “Is this because of my outburst in the squad room? Or because of what happened in the office?”  

            “Neither. But it’s obvious that it’s not going to be possible for you to be productive here. And with Lewis clearly having a vendetta against you we need to prioritize your safety.”

            “I can handle it. I-“

            “I’m not saying you can’t, but this is not up for discussion.” Olivia knew if she wanted to she could push it further, but decided to let it go.

            “I understand, Chief. But in that case, I’m going back to my apartment.”

            “I think that’s a good decision. I swear, the second we know something, you will be told.” Without another word Olivia left the office.

 

            Outside the precinct Barba and Finn were already waiting, standing together in the shadows of the building. Finn spoke first.

            “Liv, what’s going on?”

            “I’m off the case.”

            “You seem surprisingly alright with this.” Barba had the same tone he used when speaking to a witness he didn’t completely trust.

            “I’m not alright with anything right now. But I do have a plan.” She hesitated before saying the next part, looking out across the street at something that wasn’t really there. “During the trial I said that Lewis had gotten free when I beat him.” Of course, neither of them knew that to be true. Barba had said as much before the trial. And Finn, well she had confessed to Finn a long time ago.

            “And you testified as much under oath. So that’s what happened. It doesn’t matter what the truth is.”

            “It does. Because he’s going to hurt Noah unless if I tell everyone.”

            “Why are you telling us this?”

            “Because I need your help. Rafa, you have friends in the media. Tell one of them that you have an important story and it’s one that they’ll really want to run tonight.”

            “You realize what this means?” Olivia would be forever thankful for how his voice was free from judgement.

            “Yeah. It means I’m going to get my son back.”

            “Okay then. I’ll be by your place later.” Barba left without another word.

            “You sure about this?” Finn asked as soon as it was just the two of them.

            “No,” Olivia admitted. “But what choice do I have?” He didn’t have a good answer to that.

            “I get Barba, but why do you need my help?”

            “Because you’ve been there for almost my entire career. You’re the only one who’s never changed and… and I need you to see me through this one last thing.” He nodded.

            “Anything you need.”

           

**Super America, the Bronx**

**8:10pm**

            Detectives Rollins and Carisi arrived at the gas station that the phone call had originated from.

            “There’s the payphone.” Amanda gestured to a corner of the parking lot where the phone stood. She suppressed a groan as she took in the place. Nothing about it looked like it had seen the 21st century. “How much you wanna bet the security cameras don’t work?”  Carisi shot her a worried look and she put up her hands in mock defense. “It’s just a figure of speech. Come on, let’s go see if this dump has any useful evidence.”

            Inside the gas station some 20 something kid in a snapback was fiddling with a remote. When he heard the bell ring above the door he gave them a quick glance before going back to messing with the buttons.

            “Something I can help you with?”

            “Yeah, did you see a man with a big scar? He might have been with a five-year-old kid?” The kid barely spared them another look.

            “I dunno.” Amanda’s eyes nearly bugged out of her skull with rage and Carisi put a cautioning hand on her arm. He pulled out a photo of Lewis on his phone along with his badge and slid them both across the counter.

            “Detective Carisi. I would suggest taking a look.” When he noticed Amanda’s furious glare the kid took the phone.

            “Yeah, I saw him. He was buying a bunch of those 5 Krazys, the ones you can hardly get anymore. Didn’t see a kid, though.”

            “Okay, okay. Any chance you got security cameras?”

            “Yeah, actually. We were robbed a couple weeks ago so the owner had them installed. One minute.” The kid turned his back on them to fiddle with a bank of electronics. Finally, he pulled out a cd. “Everything we got from today should be on there.”

            “Thanks. You’ve been a big kid.”

            “Mmmhmmm…” the kid muttered, already back to fiddling with the remote control.

 

**Apartment of Lt. Olivia Benson**

            The first thing Olivia did when she got back was go to her room. She didn’t have a lot of time, and she needed to record her confession. But if she was going to do this, she was going to do it right. On her way she passed by a slightly ajar door and her heart beat heavier. _Noah’s room._ Without intending to, Olivia walked over and gave the door a slight push. It opened effortlessly, casting a yellow wedge off light into the otherwise dark room. But she didn’t step inside. _You can’t break down. Not again. There’s work to be done._ So, she straightened her shoulders and stepped back, shutting the door behind her.

            In the back of her bedroom closet, protected by a garment bag, Olivia found what she was looking for. Her dress blues. She had worn these when she became a sergeant. They were stiff and uncomfortable, but she did love them. They meant power, authority. And tonight she needed them like armor.

            When she stepped out of her room, dressed and groomed, with a tight bun and a new face of makeup, Finn let out a low whistle.

            “I forgot how nice you clean up.”

            “Thanks, Finn,” she murmured. She had to clear her throat before speaking again, and they both pretended to not notice the way she swiped at the corner of her eye. “Well, no use waiting.” She handed her phone over to Finn and positioned herself against a wall clear of scenic photos or children’s drawings. Under one arm she tucked her hat and made sure to assume an even stance. Professional. Detached. Finn held up a finger to indicate the camera was recording. When Olivia spoke she could hardly believe she was saying the words coming out of her mouth.

            “My name is Lieutenant Olivia Benson with the NYPD. Four years ago, I testified in court against a man named William Lewis. I told the court, under oath, that when I had viciously beaten Mr. Lewis with a wrought iron bar from a bed frame he had escaped and was attacking me.” She paused before continuing. Not enough of a tell to raise alarm in anyone who would watch the video, but it was almost enough to make Finn stop recording. This was killing her. “That was a lie. When I beat him Mr. Lewis was already subdued. And I did it anyways. This was a horrendous lack of judgement on my part was a textbook case of police brutality. I make this statement of my own free will, under no duress, and expect nothing from Mr. Lewis in return. Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba is going to open an investigation into these actions and I will comply with any censures the prosecution deems fit. And finally,” Olivia paused again, trying not to look like she was choking on her next words, “I would like to apologize to Mr. Lewis. What I did was unacceptable and I ask your forgiveness.” She finished speaking and Finn put down the phone.

            Olivia wanted to collapse, wanted to fall to the ground like a marionette whose strings had been cut. But she couldn’t move to even do that. She loved her son. She didn’t regret doing what she had to in order to save his life. But what was recorded on that cell phone had the ability to destroy over two decades of hard work. Twenty years of fighting and scrapping and proving herself to men that had never wanted her around. Twenty years of having guns shoved in her face and near rape attempts and hearing the most graphic depravity known to man. She had never considered herself a particularly ambitious woman, but Olivia _knew_ that she had earned her spot as commanding officer of SVU. She had put her blood, sweat, and tears into this job and she had just held a match to it.

            “Liv, we can wait.” Finn barely spoke above a whisper, but it carried in the silent apartment. “Rollins and Carisi might have something-“

            “No.” The word came out harsher than she intended, and Olivia tried again. “No. we need to get this out tonight. Send the file to Barba.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh boy. So I know that was pretty mchc a rip off of Olivia's confession in Beast's Obsession but you know, if it ain't broke don't fix it. Also that scene was one of the most intense to me in the whole episode and was almost harder to watch than any other. So I was really excited to get inside Olivia's head when it was going down. Please tell me what you're thinking of the story so far!  
> FYI I have no idea about New York geography and I don't feel like figuring it out, so if there's not a Super America anywhere in the Bronx or if it would take a different amount of time to get there from Manhattan sorry


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, folks. Finals were a bitch. But you're looking at a brand new graduate, and here's the next chapter to celebrate. PS, this one could be read as kinda shippy depending on what you believe in.

ADA Raphael Barba didn’t consider himself a hateful person. He had neither the time nor the inclination for it. But he did have a finite list of things he hated, including people who talked loudly on the phone in supermarkets and Mexican fast food. And he knew that after we was done he would have to add to the list. He hated what he was about to do.

            Looking up from a pen he had been fiddling with he saw a small, blonde woman striding across thee floor of the plaza he was seated in. She pulled out a chair across the table. Rafael wasn’t fooled by her petite frame, perky smile, or nonthreatening demeanor. Tess McLaughlin was a shark when it came to getting a story, and the moment that Rafael Barba called her she knew she smelled blood in the water. As soon as she sat down a waitress appeared, and Tess ordered an espresso.

            “So, Rafael,” she said as soon as the waitress was out of earshot, “what am I doing here?”

            “You’re getting the break of your career.” Barba slid a thumb drive across the table. Tess picked it up, toying with it.

            “What is this?”

            “A NYPD lieutenant admitting to police brutality and perjury.” Tess couldn’t hide the excitement flashing in her eyes

            “Why are you giving this to me? What do you want in return?”

            “Because you’re not a bad person. Ambitious and annoying, sure. But you’re never cruel for attention. As for what I want… treat the officer on there with respect. She’s one of the good ones, and she doesn’t deserve this.”

            “Got a crush, Barba?” Tess teased. Rafael scoffed.

            “Me? No. it’s just like I said: she deserves better.”

            “Well if Rafael Barba thinks someone deserves to be let off the hook she must be special. Don’t worry; I’ll be respectful.”

            “Thank you.” Glad to have it done with Barba threw some bills on the table to pay for their coffees and left. He still hated this, but he knew he had saved the situation as best he could. Liv would not be persecuted in the media tonight.

 

**Apartment of Lt. Olivia Benson**

            Olivia was back in her room, getting changed out of her uniform. She caught sight of her own reflection in the full-length mirror in the corner of the room. Without really meaning to, she stepped closer. Standing in only her bra and underwear she could see every scar she had obtained in her years of service. But the ones that jumped out to her now were the ones she received from her time with William Lewis. Burn marks and scabs that hadn’t healed as well as they could have littered across her body, pieces of flesh that would never forget him no matter how hard she tried. _The smell of burning flesh. The smell of a gas stove. Everything was burning and she didn’t know if someone was burning her right then or if it was a memory. Someone was screaming who was screaming? Her throat was raw, so it might be her. But it also might be Mrs. Meyer. She had been screaming a lot. How was she supposed to know what screams belonged to who anymore?_ Olivia forced herself from the memory. She had spent the past four years erasing him from her body and life. She had cut her hair. She had adopted Noah. She had excelled in her career. She had done everything right and now it was about to fall apart. She couldn’t help wondering what other scars she would bear before all of this was done. Because she knew one thing: ruining her reputation wouldn’t be enough for Lewis. He would demand everything from her, including her life, and it was only a matter of time until she gave it to him.

            Olivia put her uniform back in her closet almost reverently. When she got dressed it was into a pair of loose fitting jeans and a sweater. If she was going to go through this again she was going to be comfortable.

            Entering the living room once more Olivia stopped, leaning against the wall. Finn was sitting on the couch, not really looking at anything. Olivia was tempted to let the silence fall between them. She had already said so much. But there was still be business to be taken care of, and Olivia was willing to do the things that had to be done until they pried her position from her hands.

            “Finn, you need to become a sergeant.”

            “What?”

            “I know it’s not what you want, but it’s better you than some stranger coming in to lead the squad.”

            “Liv what are you talking about?” Even as Finn said the words he seemed to understand. “No, we’re not going to need that.”

            “Thank you, but we both know with what I just did…” Olivia trailed off for a moment before taking a deep breath to continue. “There’s no way 1 PP is going to keep me as a lieutenant, never mind leading the squad.” She didn’t add that all of that was provided she came out of this alive. And knowing Wilson, well she was allowed her doubts. Finn didn’t know what to say and they let the silence fall between them.

            Olivia thought back to when she had told him about what had happened in the beach house. It had been during the case about the men who claimed their genetics made them rapists. It was late and the precinct was pretty slow. Olivia was stuck doing paperwork and she thought she was the last detective still in. Until she had heard a light rapping on her open door. Looking up, she was surprised to see Finn standing in the doorway.

            “Something I can help you with?”

            “Actually, I wanted to check on you. I know this case has gotta be rough.” Olivia briefly considered brushing it off and telling him she was fie. She knew if she did Finn might not believe her, but he wouldn’t press the issue either. It was that respect that made her willing to tell the truth.

            “Have a seat.” He did so, shutting the office door. They sat quietly for a few seconds as Olivia tried and failed to gather her thoughts. Finally, she just asked the question pressing on her mind.  “Do you think they could be right?”

            “That your genes make you a rapist? Nah.”

            “Not a rapist, specifically. More like a bad person. An angry person.”

            “No such thing as bad guys and good guys. Just people who choose to do bad things and people who don’t.”

            “How can you be sure?” Olivia hated the way her voice cracked on the last word, betraying her emotion. Finn looked at her with a mix of analysis and concern.

            “Liv, what did you do?” She almost didn’t tell him. After all, what she had done was a crime. Lying about it had been a crime, too. Finn didn’t deserve to bear that burden. But it had been three years, and it’s not like Lewis was going to be telling the truth any time soon. So, she took a deep breath and told him what she had never admitted to anyone besides her therapist.

            “William Lewis didn’t lie. Not about all of it.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “When I beat him with that rod he was already restrained. I didn’t do it because I had to; I did it because I wanted to. I was hurt and angry and I wanted him to know it and it was the only way I knew to tell him. And, Finn, it felt good.” The last words feltlike pure darkness coming from her mouth. Finn didn’t speak at first and Olivia could imagine the judgement running through his mind. Maybe he was afraid off her, the way she was afraid of herself. Maybe he was deciding to call Chief Dodds as soon as he left the office. When he spoke, though, there was no judgement either on his face or in his voice.

            “There are rules for this job. The rules said you bring him in using necessary force.”

            “I know.”

            “But that ain’t justice.” Olivia wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “What you did to him wasn’t justice either. Justice would be if you cut him and burned him and raped him with that bed post. What you did was something in between. Not justice and not the rules. But it was right. And Liv?” He waited until she met his gaze to continue. “It doesn’t make you like him.” They both knew he wasn’t talking about Lewis any more. _It doesn’t make you like your father._ She nodded.

            “Thanks, Finn.”

            “Anytime. And you should get home. See your kid.” He got up and left and as soon as he was gone Olivia began packing up her paperwork. She could finish it later; Noah was waiting.

            A key in her front door broke Olivia out of her thoughts and made her jump. Rafael Barba came into the room, his expression grim.

            “It’s done.” Olivia got up and gave him a quick hug.

            “Thank you, Rafa.”

            “I’m sorry, Liv.” He said it almost too quietly for her to hear. She didn’t tell him that she was, too.

            “It was what had to be done.” She stepped back, doing her best to keep the heaviness on her chest form crushing her. Rafael could sense it, too, and pulled a brown paper bag from under his arm.

            “I don’t know about you, but I really need a drink.” He didn’t wait for a reply before pulling a bottle of rum from the bag. Olivia hesitated. Noah was out there, in danger. What right did she have to this? Barba must have sensed her hesitation because when he spoke his tone was matter of fact.

            “There’s nothing more you can do now. This isn’t betraying Noah.” Nodding she took the bottle and drew a deep swig. It tasted like guilt and fire and she quickly took another drink before passing it on.

 

**SVU Squad Room**

**11 PM**

            Amanda Rollins was hitting a brick wall. The security footage from the gas station had revealed Lewis alright. He had stopped at the Super America in the evening and dragged Noah out of the car to make the call. When the camera revealed Lewis holding Noah’s hands, then suddenly snapping his ring finger backwards she had gasped. The footage didn’t have audio, but it was obvious from the heave of his shoulders that Noah was crying in pain. Amanda had to resist putting her fist through the computer screen. Lewis would go down; he had to. After that they got back into the vehicle. It was different from the teacher’s car they had spent the whole evening looking for, meaning hours wasted. Instead he was driving a godamn black SVU of all things. Even though she could make out a partial plate Amanda knew finding such a vehicle in New York would be near impossible. She was about to concede to her need for coffee when she heard a shout from across the room.

            “Oh my god!” Amanda looked up.

            “Carisi? What is it.” Sonny pointed wordlessly at the tv, which had the news on mute. On the screen was Olivia. She was wearing her dress uniform, but Amanda recognized the setting immediately as her apartment. “What the hell? Somebody turn that up.” A second later the audio could be heard, and Amanda found herself frozen in shock.

            “…apologize to Mr. Lewis. What I did was unacceptable, and I ask your forgiveness.” The screen changed to show the reporter, a small blonde woman with a smile so sharp it could cut.

            “Once again, that was Lieutenant Olivia Benson of Manhattan’s Special Victims Unit, admitting, on camera, to viciously beating a suspect after she had taken him into custody.” Amanda gripped the nearest desk so hard her knuckles were white.

            “Holy shit. She didn’t.”

            “And again, I’m Tess McLaughlin, and you’re watching Channel 9 news at night. Stay with us as we watch this story unfold.” Not ten seconds after the tv changed to a commercial for a pawnshop did they hear a holler come from Olivia’s office.

            “What! The! Hell!” Chief Dodds stood in the doorway, looking angrier than any of them could believe possible. “Someone call Benson and get her in here NOW!”

 

_William Lewis saw the news on a tiny tv mounted over the counter of the diner he sat at with Noah. He knew it was a risk, being out in public. After all, his face wasn’t exactly forgettable. But the kid had been complaining about being hungry for hours. And Lewis was curious to see if she would actually do it. Seemed like she did love her son after all. She would be expecting him to call again, to give further instructions. But Lewis decided he was going to wait on that. Let her stew a little in the fallout of what she had done. God, he wished he could see that. There was some practicality to not calling her immediately, too. He needed some time to switch cars again, then to take Noah to his new hideout. Speaking of which… the kid was watching the television with rapt interest._

_“That’s Mommy!” The waitress, a heavy woman in her forties, glanced at him curiously and Lewis swore under his breath._

_“That’s it, kid. Time to go.”_

_“I don’t want to.” Feeling his temper shorten, Lewis leaned across the table so that his face was only inches away from Noah’s._

_“Remember what I said? You’re going to do what I tell you. That’s how you stay safe.” Lewis gestured meaningfully at Noah’s broken finger and the kid’s eyes went wide with fear. Good. “Now let’s go.” He threw enough cash to cover the tab and leave a generous tip before grabbing Noah by the arm and heading for the exit. On the way out he shoved the baseball cap he wore several inches closer to his eyes. Let no one recognize him. Let no one try to stop him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That one was fun, guys. BTW I wrote part of it while I was hammered and while I tried to edit it I apologize for any inconsistancies. As always, your feedback is loved and appreciated.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, you guys. I had really thought that after graduating I'd be cranking out chapters, but turns out job hunting takes a lot of time. BTW, I've given up on whether this is a Barson fic or a Rolivia fic or a whatever. Just sit back and enjoy.

Olivia’s cell phone rang for the fourth time in ten minutes. And for the fourth time she hit ‘ignore’. About thirty seconds later the ring of her home phone interrupted the silence that had fallen in her apartment.

            “No one answer that,” she said, perhaps more sharply than necessary. Chief Dodds really wanted to get a hold of her. By now her confession had to have hit the news and the brass would be demanding an explanation. Not only did she have none to give, but any time she wasted answering questions took resources away from finding Noah and meant that she would be unavailable when Lewis contacted them again. And he _would_ contact them again; he had to.

            Finn’s phone rang, and he shot Olivia a quick look. She nodded and he picked up.

            “Hello, Chief. Yeah, I’m just tracking down a lead. Benson? No, I haven’t seen the news. Well, if I see her I’ll be sure to let her know.” His gaze locked with Olivia’s. “Yep. Will do, Chief.” He waited a second after hanging up to speak. “Chief said you need to go to the station.” If the situation weren’t so stressful Olivia would have laughed.

            “Yeah, I’m sure he did.”

 

            William Dodds slammed the phone into its cradle. Carisi popped his head into the office.

            “News that good, huh?”

            “Detective Tutuola either doesn’t know where Benson is or he’s not telling. I need you and Detective Rollins to go to her apartment.”

            “Got it, Chief.”

            “And Detective Carisi?” Sonny was already moving, but he stuck his head back in. “Bring her in. by whatever means necessary. Understand?” Carisi nodded.

            “Yes, sir.”

 

            In the squad car they rode in tense silence. After several minutes Sonny spoke. “We’re not doing this, right?” Amanda didn’t ask what he meant. “We’re not going to arrest her?”

            “I don’t know, Carisi.” Neither of them said what they were both thinking: that Olivia had covered for both of them when they’d been in danger of going off the rails. That there were times when both of them had been at risk and Olivia had always provided the backup they needed. She was as best a CO as either of them had had and they were going to arrest her. Amanda let out a heavy sigh and repeated, “I don’t know.”

 

**Apartment of Lt. Olivia Benson**

            A knock at Olivia’s door startled all three occupants. After Olivia didn’t move to answer it Finn checked the peephole.

            “It’s Amanda and Carisi. Should I open it?” Olivia sighed. No use putting it off any longer.

            “Yeah.”

            The second they stepped into the apartment Amanda didn’t know whether she wanted to hug or slap Olivia. She imagined this is how the Lieutenant thought about her squad a good majority of the time. So instead both she and Carisi stood just barely inside the door. Olivia’s home, that had at times been so welcoming to all of them, felt cold now.

            “What are you doing here?”

            “Liv, Chief Dodds sent us. We’re supposed to bring you in.” Olivia scoffed.

            “Are you going to arrest me, Amanda?” Amanda shrugged.

            “I don’t want to.”

            “Lieutenant just make this easy.” Carisi didn’t usually sound testy or on edge, but tonight he did.

            There are moments in life when you just _know_ what to do. You’re sitting at a break in the road and have to choose a direction. Left or right. Olivia’s life was full of split second choices and gut feelings. _He has a gun; shoot him. There isn’t enough evidence; let him go._ And as she stood there, her squad waiting on her next words, Olivia took in a sharp breath, and she _knew._

            “No.”

            “What?” Carisi gave voice to the rest of the confusion in the room.

            “No.” When Olivia said the word again it felt right. “I’m not going in. I need to save Noah, and I can’t do that under lock and key. Or being interrogated for what I might have done four years ago.”

            “No one’s arguing Lewis didn’t deserve it.” Amanda piped up. “But what are we supposed to do now?”

            “Just tell Dodds that you couldn’t bring me in, that I was already gone. Just out of professional courtesy.” What Olivia didn’t say was what they all were thinking: _don’t make this a fight._ _For all of our sakes._ But Amanda shook her head.

            “That’s not what I meant. What do you need us to do, _Lieutenant_?” Olivia understood and put up her hands as if to fend off the offer.

            “No. No, this is _my_ fight. Lewis has _my_ son. It’s _me_ he has a score to settle with.  
            “And I arrested him. And Finn was on the case. And Barba filed the charges. And Carisi… well, either way we’re a team. You’re not doing this alone.” Olivia nodded, realizing it would be easier than wasting precious time fighting.

            “Fine. But let me be clear: this is not an assignment. I’m not asking anyone to risk their jobs, their pensions, or their futures. If you do this, it’s your choice. Anyone who doesn’t want to take the risk can go back to the station now. But if you’re in this you’re in. No going back. Understand?” As she was speaking Olivia made eye contact with each individual. Not one of them shirked her gaze. The last person was Barba, who nodded.

            “We’re with you, Olivia.”

            “Good. Then let’s get to work. Finn, Carisi, go back to the precinct. Tell Dodds you couldn’t find me. But keep your ear to the ground. Run evidence from there and let us know what’s happening. Rollins, you’re with me. And Barba, get your hands on Lewis’ casefile and get it back here. Under the radar. I need to see if there’s anything from his testimony we missed.”

            “Right. And I’ll review all of this,” he waved in the air too indicate the whole situation. “See if I can make so when it’s over we all still have jobs.”

            “Yeah, do that.” Olivia hoped that the team didn’t realize the lack of confidence in her tone. She already knew that the end of all of this her career would be the least of her concerns.

            The team was already moving. Finn and Carisi were grabbing their coats and headed towards the door.

            “We’ll run the partial plates on Lewis’ vehicle and try to get an apb out,” Carisi said. “We’ll call you when we know something.”

           

**4AM**

            There hadn’t been much for Olivia to do since her announcement. Barba had brought over the case files, as promised, and he, Amanda, and Olivia had spent hours poring over them. Even as they did so Olivia knew it was hopeless. She had read those files enough times over the past four years to know that there was nothing in them that would help them. William Lewis was a piece of clay that reformed himself every time he went somewhere new. There would be no secret connections to his previous crimes that would lead them to a safe house or old friend. Carisi had called and said that they’d found the SUV. The bad news was they found it by the pier. They had already known that he’d crossed the bridge into the Bronx, but a ferry ticket could take them anywhere. _Don’t think like that,_ Olivia told herself for what must have been the thousandth time. _He won’t leave the city. He_ can’t _leave the city. Not while you’re here. You’ve just got to find him._ Sure, find him in a city of millions. That would be easy enough. Olivia’s hunch that Lewis was hanging around was confirmed when, an hour later, Carisi had called and said that none of the ferry operators had recognized Lewis or Noah, and no one could remember seeing him buy a ticket. So, leaving the SUV there had to be to throw them off the trail. Which meant he would need another form of transportation. So why hadn’t there been another car reported stolen? Olivia felt the tension building inside her skull. The answers they were finding were just leading to the same questions, running round and round in her brain. She didn’t need this, she needed answers. She needed to find Noah. Without meaning to, Olivia slammed her fist into the coffee table. Rollins and Barba, who had settled in as best they could despite the tension, both startled.

            “It’s been five hours. Why hasn’t he called? I did what he wanted. It-“ She cut herself off mid sentence. _It isn’t fair._ How childish could that sound? Of course, it wasn’t fair. Nothing about this was fair or right or just. That was the real world, she was realizing now. No matter how many times they thought they put the bad guys away. No matter how many hours she had spent in therapy vanquishing the demon of William Lewis, they always came back. But that Noah should have to be put in danger was unacceptable. And she knew that Lewis wasn’t entirely to blame for that. Rollins and Barba were still staring at her, and Olivia stood up. “I’m going to step outside. I need some air.” Amanda shot her a concerned look, but Olivia cut her off before she could protest. “I’ll stay hidden. It will just be a minute.” Barba rose from his seat.

            “I’m coming with you.” Olivia wanted to argue, but decided it wasn’t worth it; she needed out of that apartment.

            Outside the familiar sounds of the city enveloped them. It was an early fall, and they could see their breath in the air. Despite the odd hour people rushed past, intent on wherever they were going. Olivia closed her eyes, taking it all in. This was the city she had grown up in. This was her home, her blood, and she could feel it like her own pulse. It was a living thing and it steadied her. She was also aware of Barba’s gaze on her.

            “It’s my fault.” When Olivia finally spoke the words she was talking as much to herself as to Barba. She still didn’t open her eyes. “I knew that Lewis was still alive. I knew that something like this could happen. I never should have adopted Noah. It was stupid, and it was selfish.” When she opened her eyes she was surprised to feel that her lashes were wet. _Stupid._ Rafael’s gaze held no judgement as she furiously swiped at her own eyes.

            “I wanted a family at one point. A spouse, children, you know. But the years moved quickly, and I dedicated myself to my career. I thought ‘that’s okay. I can still make it work.’ Then, a few years before I joined SVU, I was trying a case, a double murder. I won, and as the perp was dragged out of the courtroom he looked me straight in the face and he said ‘I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you and everyone you’ve ever loved and everyone you ever will love and there is nothing you will be able to do to stop it.’ That changed me, Olivia. It was then that I realized that I had already sacrificed a normal life for this job. When you adopted Noah, I thought of that man. When you, both of you, snuck your ways into my life, I thought of him. And the countless others. I thought what it might be like if one of them ever made it out of prison, and the danger you would be in. I wanted to run away from you more times than you could ever know. But I didn’t.”

            “Why?” Olivia asked. She didn’t know whether Barba’s story actually made things better, but it was more of himself than he had ever let her see. And she would be lying if she said that the sound of his voice didn’t calm her a little. 

             “Because life is risk. Walking into a courtroom is just playing the odds. Every date, every day walking down the street, every hotdog from a dubious cart is a gamble. We assume the ones we think will pay off. And this time the odds were in your favor and you lost anyways. But this, having Noah in your life, in my life, giving that little boy a home, it was all worth the risk. And we will get him back. I swear to you.” He said it with such integrity Olivia wasn’t sure where the ADA coaxing a victim ended and where Rafael Barba began. Maybe there wasn’t really a difference and maybe it didn’t matter if there was. She nodded and briefly squeezed his hand.

            “Okay. Thanks, Rafa. I think,” she paused. There was a vibrating in her jacket pocket. Her cell phone. It had been hours since Chief Dodds had given up on contacting her, and the last few times Carisi had called Amanda. So that meant that there was likely only one person who would be contacting her. She thought fast. “I think I’d like another moment. You can go back in.” Rafael hesitated and Olivia gave her most convincing smile. “I swear, I’m alright. I just need to collect myself.” Finally, Barba nodded.

            “I’ll see you inside.” As soon as he was gone Olivia pulled out her cell phone. One unread message. The number was a new one, one she didn’t recognize. When she opened the message she was greeted by a photo of Noah. He was tied up somewhere, she couldn’t tell where. Tears streaked his face and he looked so, so scared. She choked back a sob. _What do you want?_ It took only a minute for the response to arrive. _Meet me. Come alone._ Okay, she was expecting that. _Where?_ Without hesitating, without waiting for his response, Olivia Benson slipped her phone into her pocket and started down the side walk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hoped you liked that, cause I enjoyed writing it. Please leave feedback, as the more I know you like this the more encouraged I'll be to write more!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter is a bit shorter, but I do think I get points for getting it up in only a few days. Thank you, thank you, thank you guys for your comments so far. I would not keep writing if not for them (seriously, I'm an attention whore).

Amanda looked up when Barba came back into the apartment. The first thing she noticed was that he was alone.

            “Where’s Olivia?”

            “Outside. She needed a minute.” Before he even finished his sentence Amanda was moving to the window. She got there just in time to see the figure of Olivia Benson round the corner.

            “Goddamnit, Barba,” Amanda snapped, already grabbing her jacket and moving towards the door. Barba seemed frozen, staring out the window.  
            “I- I didn’t realize.” Amanda bit back a retort. She didn’t have time to chew him out, no matter how badly her anger wanted a release.

            “Just stay here. I’ll call you with updates.”

            Out on the street she turned the corner as a vehicle peeled away from the curb and a perplexed man stood on the side. Amanda jogged up to him.

            “Police!” When he saw her badge the man’s face lit up with relief.

            “That other officer just took my car! She can’t do that!”

            “Okay, I’ll help you with that. Does your car have GPS?”

            “Yeah.” Amanda thought quickly. Olivia was already a good ways down the road. She took out a scrap of paper and a pen and wrote down Finn’s number.

            “This is my partner’s number. Call him.” The man looked like he wanted to protest further but Amanda was already moving away to hail a taxi. When she saw one coming she stuck her arm out. It took her a split second to realize it wasn’t slowing down, and less that to decide to jump in front of it. The cab came to a screeching halt, the driver laying on the horn.

            “Lady! What the fuck are you doing?!” He hollered, sticking his head out the window. Amanda was already yanking open the back door.

            “NYPD. Follow that car.” She pointed to the car Olivia had taken, growing more distant.

            “Listen, I’m just getting off my-“

            “I’ll pay you double,” Amanda promised through gritted teeth. What she wanted was to knock the man out and steal his car, but that would take even more time. Besides, no one could follow someone like a New York cabbie. “Just drive.” The driver conceded, taking off. As she kept one eye on Olivia’ car, now a couple hundred yards in front of them, Amanda dialed Carisi’s number. He picked up immediately.

            “Rollins. What’s going on?” Carisi sounded more panicked than Amanda could remember hearing before.

            “Olivia’s on the move. On her own. Did the car owner call Finn yet?”

            “He’s on the phone with him now.”

            “Okay, good. I’m in pursuit, but she’s moving fast. I need that tracking.”

            “I know. We’re working on it.” 

            “Work on it faster.” Amanda didn’t realize how sharp her tone was until the line went silent for several seconds. When Carisi spoke his voice was reassuring.

            “We’re not going to lose her, Amanda.” She knew he didn’t just mean in the chase and she inhaled sharply.

            “Just run the trace.” Without saying anything else, she hung up and immediately started dialing again. As the phone rang she looked out the windshield. Olivia’s car was still in sight, thank God. After a few dials the person on the other line picked up.

            “Rollins.”

            “Olivia, what are you doing?”

            “Are you following me?” Amanda hesitated for less than a second.

            “No. When Barba came up alone I knew something was wrong and I looked out the window but you were already gone. But, Liv, tell me where you’re headed. Tell me _something_ and we can help you.”

            “You can’t. You tried and I appreciate that, but this… this is what has to happen. I need to protect my son and if Lewis thinks anyone is with me he might hurt him again. Or… or worse.” Amanda pushed aside the implication to focus on the rest of what Olivia was saying.

            “If anyone is with you?” The words confirmed what Amanda had feared. “Are you going to meet him?”

            “I’m doing what I have to.”

            “You can’t do that. Come on, Liv. Think this through. We deal with men like Lewis all the time. And the one thing you don’t do is give them what they want. If you do this he will rip out your heart and hold it in front of you for sport.” There was a pause, and Amanda hoped, she already knew futilely, that Olivia was listening to reason. That hope was shattered when she finally spoke.

            “He already has.” With those words the line went dead. Amanda furtively tried calling back, but the phone went straight to voicemail. Ahead of her, the window of Olivia’s car rolled down and she threw something out the window. Her cell phone. Amanda knew the traffic would crush it before she could hope to get to it. Even as she instructed the cabbie to stick with the chase, Amanda began praying that they could get the GPS on the car soon.

 

**SVU Squad Room, 4:28 AM**

            Sonny Carisi liked being a detective for the same reason he wanted to be a lawyer: it was math. He was always good at math in school, and when he found that the same principles could be applied to the rest of life he began to understand it more. It was the same for being a detective. Crime plus evidence equaled a perp. If their suspect matched then he was the perp. If A plus B equals C and A plus B equals D then C equals D. He didn’t like the math for this situation at all. William Lewis plus Noah Porter Benson equaled dangerous. Olivia Benson thought that she could subtract the danger by adding herself. That wasn’t how math worked. Instead Olivia Benson plus William Lewis also equaled dangerous, so Olivia Benson plus Noah Porter Benson plus William Lewis equaled danger squared. It equaled someone dying. They needed to subtract Olivia Benson as quickly as possible.

            He turned to Finn.

            “Any word from the car company?”

            “They’re giving me the run around. Something about privacy.”

            “What for? The owner wants you to find the car.”

            “I told them, believe me.” Carisi felt frustration boiling up in his chest, creeping its way out to his limbs. Before he even knew what he was really doing he kicked a nearby filing cabinet, leaving a solid dent and sending the _thud_ ringing throughout the precinct. A few seconds later Chief Dodds stuck his head out of Olivia’s office.

            “What the hell’s going on out here?”

            “Sorry, Chief,” Carisi replied, forcing an even tone. “I just slipped.” Dodds didn’t look like he particularly believed the excuse, but that he decided not to pursue it further.

            “Anything new on Benson?” Finn and Carisi shared a look. _Time to let him in? No, not yet._ Finn shook his head.

            “Nothing yet.”  

            “Keep on it.” They both nodded and murmured ‘yes chiefs’ and Dodds went back into the office.

           

**Chelsea Pier 54, 5 AM**

            Despite the fact that five in the morning was late enough for New York City to be bustling, the pier where Olivia Benson stopped her stolen car and waited was desolate. Too far off the beaten path for the homeless and no use to anyone else, Olivia doubted it had seen much traffic in the past week, the past month even. That made it the perfect rendezvous point. In the blinding light of the rising sun she could just barely make out the figure of a man. As he stepped closer and his features became more defined Olivia willed herself not to shake, not to betray her fear. When he got close enough for her to make out the scar, the smirk he always wore, she thought she might throw up again. Seeing him on video chat had been hard enough. This wasn’t supposed to ever happen. He was supposed to be in a coma.

            Olivia forced her brain past the shock and fear and, almost robotically, lifted the gun she held in two hands to aim at Lewis’ forehead.

            “Stay right there.”

            “Olivia, really? After so many years this is how we greet each other?” She ignored the banter.

            “Don’t move.”

            “Or what? You’ll shoot me? Go ahead.” He took another step forward. The muzzle of the gun was less than a foot away from his chest now. “You know you want to.” He was right. All Olivia could see was the gun. It looked so much like the one that had greeted her when she came back to her apartment that night, so much like the one that Lewis had pressed into her mouth. She could taste the metal again, mixed with vodka and blood. The sound of the waves beating against the shore sounded like they had at the beach house. And they sounded like the sound of cracking bones. The dead patrolman’s broken neck. Noah’s broken fingers. God, how she wanted to pull that trigger. They both knew it. And then he continued speaking. “Just know that if you do shoot me, little Noah will be left all alone. New York is a big place. Do you think you’ll find him before he starves? Before something with big teeth eats him? Because I don’t think you will. Go ahead, Olivia. Shoot me. But know that if you do, your son’s life is forfeit.” Olivia still almost wanted to do it. She owed it to the world to do it. But he was right. Noah was what mattered, and if Lewis died right then then Noah would, too. “Or you can come with me and I’ll take you to him.” The possibility terrified her. The last time he had taken her anywhere it had haunted her nightmares for years. Still, with one decisive motion, Olivia snapped the gun back and aimed it at the sky.

            “Okay, Lewis. Fine. We’ll do it your way.” Before she could even react, his fist had lashed out, connecting with her jaw with a force that sent her stumbling backwards. In her shock Olivia’s grip loosened on the gun, and Lewis easily plucked it from her. Now she was the one staring down the barrel. And the flashbacks were coming back. _Don’t react, Olivia,_ she told herself. _Don’t let him know the effect he’s having._ From the smirk he was giving her Olivia suspected that he already did know. She put her hands up. “We can do this however you want. Just take me to my son.” Lewis looked delighted.

            “Hand me your handcuffs, sweetheart.” 

When she did he  did he snapped one end around her right wrist. “Turn around.” She complied and he yanked her other arm behind her and snapped the other end of the cuff in place. The action didn’t hurt as much as other things he had done to her, but it caught Olivia off guard, and she let out a hiss of pain. Lewis just chuckled as he pushed her up against the vehicle. His hands were too lingering as he patted her down for weapons, his body too close. The feeling was enough to make it hard for Olivia to breathe. “You got any other guns on you?” He asked, almost conversationally. Olivia knew he was confident he would find any she was hiding. The question was just for sport.

            “No,” she managed to choke out. It was true. She only had the one gun that he had already taken. She did have a tiny pocketknife in her boot, but she chose not to mention that. When Lewis was satisfied that she was unarmed he stepped back. But just for a second, because he was already grabbing her, tugging her along to the shore. For a split second Olivia was confused, and panic began to set in. He couldn’t plan to drown her. Not already. She needed to find Noah. She didn’t know whether or not to be relieved when she noticed the boat. It was a small thing, just enough for the two of them and the motor. Lewis gestured her towards it.

            “Well, sweetheart, hop in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW I don't know if I'm using the concept of the Chelsea Pier correctly. I live several thousand miles from New York, I did a google search, that's what I got. As always, I welcome your feedback.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who got her next chapter up in 24 hours because she's absolutely stunning? Ya girl. Fair warning, this chapter starts to contain the sexual assault stuff.

The last time William Lewis had kidnapped her Olivia had spent her time on the floor of his car thinking. She had thought about all of the people she had loved and what it had meant. She had thought of Elliot Stabler. Nothing had ever happened between them, not really. He was married with kids and neither of them were about to violate that. Even if he hadn’t been the man he was and had pursued her she wouldn’t have reciprocated. She thought too much of herself to be the other woman. She had also thought of Alexandra Cabot. The two of them had gone a little further. One too many late nights in the office, prepping for trial. They could both feel the tension. And then one night, Olivia couldn’t remember when exactly, the brewing storm had broken.  They had gone in for a goodnight hug, then their faces had been mere inches apart. And like a flash of lightning one of them had gone in for a kiss. And that hadn’t been the last time. but neither of them wanted to deal with the repercussions, not in those times. And a relationship seemed like so much work, anyways. So, they had given up. She had loved Brian Cassidy, too. When Lewis had kidnapped her she had thought of what this would do to him. He had lost too many women he had loved. It wasn’t fair.

            That was what Olivia Benson had thought about the first time William Lewis had kidnapped her and was transporting her to an unknown location. This time she knew she should be trying to be tactical: come up with a way out, a plan once they got to wherever they were going. But she knew that it wouldn’t matter. Lewis was in control and what would happen to her would happen. She could only hope that she could keep him- she almost shuddered at the thought- _entertained_ enough that he wouldn’t hurt Noah before the team could rescue them. That was what she really wanted to think about: her team, her family. Her father was a monster, Serena had never been much of a mother, and Simon had been in and out of her life. But her team had saved her life. Not just in the field but saved her from dying a lonely workaholic by age forty. Without them having her back, building her up, she never would have had the confidence or the support to make Noah her son.

            “What are you thinking about?” William Lewis’ voice burst through Olivia’s thoughts and she couldn’t stop herself form jumping a little.

            “Just how my team’s going to find you. And when they do you won’t live to see trial. We’ll make sure of that.” Lewis’ chuckle was enough to set Olivia on edge, but she wasn’t prepared for him to lash out, backhanding her with so much force her head knocked against the railing.

            “I’d watch my mouth, Olivia. Saying your plans fall through and I do wind up in a courtroom… well, threats didn’t really work out in your favor last time.”

            “I think I got out of last time better than you did,” Olivia spat back. “Unless if your plan was to take a four-year long nap.” Lewis just shrugged.

            “You’re probably right. Bronwyn really did screw the pooch on that one. I heard she got what was coming to her, though. What, ten years in prison? That’s rough, sweetheart. Did you show up to her trial? Did you look her in the eyes thinking she would feel bad? She didn’t, did she?” Olivia had gone to the trial. And Lewis was right. Bronwyn Freed had sat stoically through the trial, only speaking to insist that she was doing the right thing, that Lewis had been the real victim. It hadn’t mattered. Lewis was in a coma, Bronwyn was going to jail, and Olivia was free. Free to heal and move on. Or at least that’s what she had thought. She could see now how foolish she had been. There was only one way to escape a man like Lewis.

            That thought made Olivia realize there was one way out of this she hadn’t considered it. But once she did she began to wonder if it was really a choice at all. Tentatively, just to test her options, Olivia leaned back and forth. The small craft shook easily. So, it would work; she could capsize the boat and drown both of them. Though it wasn’t much of a movement, Lewis picked up on it, immediately going for the gun. Olivia froze, but they both knew that even though he had the weapon the power had shifted. Now he would have to be the one to talk her down.

            “You don’t want to do that, sweetheart. You’re stuck to this thing. If it goes over you’re dead. But you know my luck. I might be able to swim away from this. And if I do the first thing I’m doing is going after Noah. If I don’t he dies alone.”

            “But you wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else.” The words came out before Olivia even thought about saying them. This was crazy. She was willing to sacrifice her life, was all but betting on it. But Noah was an innocent. Then she thought of all the innocents he had already killed, and all the ones he would go on to kill. Other people’s children. But she couldn’t picture any of them. Not the lawyer or the patrolman. Not any of the potential future victims. Because they all had Noah’s face. As much as she hated to admit it, she could never sacrifice him. They both realized at that moment that it was over and relaxed their positions. _Selfish,_ a voice whispered in her mind. _Stupid and selfish._

            Within a few minutes an island came into view. It was small, one of the dozens that the river was littered with. The only thing of note was the decrepit lighthouse poised on it’s northern corner. They came ashore near the lighthouse. From the moment he turned off the engine Lewis kept his gone trained on Olivia. He didn’t need to worry, though. She wanted- _needed-_ to see Noah and when Lewis uncuffed one end of the handcuffs, she didn’t move a muscle. Handcuffs back on, he began to lead her up the side of the island. The lighthouse sat on an incline and climbing was hard with the restraints throwing off Olivia’s balance. The first time she tripped Lewis grabbed her arm and helped right her wordlessly. The second time he drew her close, pressing them together. She could feel the muzzle of the gun against her temple.

            “Watch your step, sweetheart,” he hissed. His nails dug into her arm through her shirt but Olivia didn’t make a sound, just nodded. From then on she was careful to stumble as little as possible, and together they made it up the hill. Olivia had to admit that the lighthouse was the ideal hide out. The island wasn’t big, and it would take a search and rescue team days or weeks to find them. They had shelter from the elements, and with the added height it would be easy for Lewis to spot an oncoming attack. When they reached the door Olivia waited for Lewis to open it. Instead, she felt something push her from behind. She fell forward with a groan, ducking just in time to stop her face from colliding with the wood. A rough grip spun her around, and William Lewis was grinning down at her. “Before we go in, let’s make one thing clear: I’m in charge. Anything I tell you to do, you do it. Anything I say you agree. You don’t say no and you don’t do anything stupid. Because if you do I promise, I _promise_ you, it will Noah who pays the consequences. Are we clear?” She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. With one arm on the door above her head, leaning down, he was so _close_. She tried to keep her face impassive, but Lewis must have picked up on her fear, because he grinned widely. “Don’t tell me you’re afraid. I mean, I know it’s natural and all, but I thought that you were tougher than that. I leave all my girls afraid, jumping at their own shadows. I thought you were different.”

            “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she managed through gritted teeth. She was afraid, yes, but she was also _angry._

            “Maybe. Let’s find out.” Without warning he swooped down, kissing her hard. She hadn’t expected it and tried to pull away. But he had her backed up against the wall. She couldn’t move, couldn’t scream, didn’t dare bite him. When he finally pulled away she suspected that he had cut her lip. But that wasn’t the least of it. Because now there was no containing the shaking in her limbs, the way she trembled and desperately wanted to cry. Lewis’ gin only grew. “There it is. I knew you had it in you.” With that he drew away, reached around her to open the door, and led her in.

            Inside the lighthouse was falling apart in a way that was almost beautiful. Sunlight streamed in where chunks of the wall her missing, making intricate shadows across piles of rock. Somewhere far above a bird chirped at them and another replied. In front of them were a set of stairs. They looked neglected, but stable enough to climb. _Barely._

            “Is Noah up there?”

            “You’ll just have to see, won’t you?” He gestured her towards the stairs and she started to ascend. Going up them was almost as treacherous as approaching the lighthouse had been. Debris littered the stairs, and there was no railing stopping her from tumbling down if her poor balance caused her to lose her step. Finally, she made it to the top. The stairs opened into a large room that must have taken up most of the floor. A large window in one side let in the morning sunlight. And in front of her, one hand tied to metal beam, was Noah.

            “Momma!” He called when he saw her, leaping to his feet and pulling against his restraints. All consideration for Lewis lost, Olivia rushed forward to her son’s side.

            “Oh, sweet boy. Oh, I’m here.” He threw his free arm around her neck. She tried to hug him back, but with her restraints had to settle for burrowing her face in his neck. She breathed deeply, taking him in, and for the first time, she felt tears roll down her cheeks. Finally, she pulled away. “Are you alright?”

            “He hurt me.” Noah pointed accusingly at Lewis and Olivia glanced over her shoulder, terrified of how he might react. But he just shrugged. When Olivia caught sight of Noah’s fingers, swollen and purple, she had to push down her own temper.

            “I know. I know, my love. But you’re going to be okay. I’ll keep you safe.” Lewis was already tugging at her arm and Olivia forced herself to pull away. “I need to talk to Mr. Lewis. I’ll be right back.” Noah looked like he wanted to cry, and Olivia planted a kiss on his forehead. “I promise. I just need you to be brave, okay?” Noah nodded, though his lip still trembled.

            When she had stood back up Lewis led her to the other end of the room. When she saw his face she immediately knew that showing her relief at seeing Noah had been a mistake. Lewis now understood the full scope of his power, and, if the sadistic gleam in his eye was any indication, he intended to use it. Olivia knew she needed to remove Noah from this situation as quickly as possible.

            “Just let him go. You don’t need him. You have me.”

            “You’re right, I do. But, thing is, I have you both.” He was moving closer, backing her against the wall. His mouth moved close to her neck as he said the words, and his hand went to her waist. She did the best she could not to recoil. He pulled back to look her in the eye. “I could let him go, but an island in the middle of the Hudson River is hardly a safe place for a child all alone. He could fall into the water. He could trip and hurt himself. The list goes on and on. Or, I can keep him here. Where we _both_ can keep an eye on him.” Olivia nodded. She hated to admit it, but at least here Noah had her flimsy protection. “Good, we understand each other. Now, you told your boy you’re going to keep him safe. That’s a hefty promise. What do you intend to do to keep it?” Olivia knew what he wanted her to say, knew it like the script to a movie she never wanted to see.

            “Anything. I’ll do anything you want.” She had hoped that  would be enough for now, but Lewis just moved closer, his hand sliding down, until he was gripping her crotch. She had to fight off every instinct to fight, to run, to scream. Noah was watching them from just a few yards away and, though Lewis blocked his view for the most part, he would know something was wrong if she reacted.

            “Oh really? Will you fuck? Will you do all those dirty little things you were too embarrassed to do for your boyfriends?”

            “Yes.” The word was a hiss forced out through gritted teeth. She couldn’t look him in the eye. “Yes, I swear.”

            “Good answer.” He spoke in a whisper, a breath in her ear. And then he pulled away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for taking the time to read. I hope that worked because, as I mentioned, I typed it up quickly. And no proofreading, we die like men! Anyways, feel free to leave me your lovely feedback.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh sorry this took so long, guys. I started a new full time job that had me move in the span of a weekend, so I've been super busy. And then when I did get a chance to write I had a lovely case of writer's block (which is why you might have noticed I uploaded and deleted this chapter twice). Anyways, I'm glad to finally bring you a new chapter, and a bit of a longer one at that. Enjoy!

**Chelsea Pier 54, 8AM**

Amanda and Finn stood next to the abandoned vehicle, and as she surveyed the vastness of the harbor Amanda felt her stomach sink. All that time tracking down the car and car and they were too late. Lewis could have taken Olivia anywhere, land or sea. She had become a detective to make a difference, to stop being a helpless victim. And now all those years meant nothing. Less than nothing. She wanted to scream into the cold grey of the New York morning _“It’s not fair! It’s not right!”_

            “Rollins,” Finns hand on her shoulder made Amanda jump, and she forced herself to take a deep breath. “We need to tell people.”

            “I know.”

            “We need to tell Dodds what we know, 1 pp, you know.” That snapped Amanda out of her own thoughts.

            “No, not Dodds.”

            “Amanda-“ She turned to face Finn, her mind already working quickly.

            “Finn, Liv went rogue, only hours after going on tv and confessing to all of New York to beating a defenseless man almost to death. Their priority will be getting Lewis, not her safety. And do you think if he thought he was cornered he’d hesitate to take her down with him? Or Noah, too, for that matter?”

            “Yeah, I know. But we can’t do this alone.”

            “No, we can’t.” But Amanda was already walking back to their own squad car, working through a plan in her head. “We need to make some calls,” she hollered over her shoulder.

**10:47AM, An Island in the Hudson**

            A part of Olivia hoped that Lewis had learned from his mistakes last time, that he would rape her and be done with it. It couldn’t hurt more than the torture, than the hours of waiting. She knew it was a foolish thought. As soon he was done with her he would kill her, likely Noah as well. Either way, it didn’t matter; Lewis was intent on taking his time.

            After she had agreed to do what he wanted and he had pulled away, he had started moving towards Noah. He cut the rope binding the little boy and started nudging him to his feet. Olivia had started protesting.

            “Where are you taking him? What are you doing?”

            “I’m doing you a favor, sweetheart.” Lewis’ voice was sweet enough to turn Olivia’s stomach. “I assumed you wouldn’t want your _sweet boy_ ,” he spoke the pet name mockingly, “to see what’s going to happen next. But if you have any objections…” It took Olivia only seconds to shake her head.

            “No.”

            “Good.” He led Noah over to a door. When he opened it, Olivia could see through to a room smaller than his one at home, but bigger than a closet. Lewis gestured her over and Olivia came, desperate to both keep him satisfied and to be near her son. “Now, I’m going to do you one better and give you a few moments alone with Noah. Try and explain things. Or don’t.” He shrugged. “In the meantime, I’ve got some things to prepare.” He gestured with his head and for the first time Olivia noticed a large fireplace in one corner of the room. During the time when this was a functioning lighthouse it was probably heated to create a light. It made Olivia shiver.

            Lewis herded them both into the room and stood in the doorway.

            “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Now don’t try anything you’ll regret. You know how fast my trigger finger is.”

            “Yeah, okay. I know.” Olivia braced herself to take a risk. “Will you undo these?” She rattled the handcuffs. “Just for a minute? Just so I can hug him?” For a second Olivia thought that she might have pushed him too hard, that he would hit her again and this time it would be in front of Noah. But Lewis just shrugged.

            “We’ll compromise.” He undid the cuff around her left wrist, then pulled her right arm in front of her. “Come on, give it up,” He gestured for her left hand, and when she hesitated grabbed it roughly. He slapped the cuffs back on, this time in the front. “Now, remember what I said, and behave.” And with that he left the room, closing the door. Olivia hurried over to Noah.

            “Oh, sweet boy, I’m here. Momma’s here now.”

            “Momma, what’s happening?” Olivia wanted nothing more than to gather her son in her arms and just take comfort in his presence. She wanted to pretend, if only for a moment, that they were anywhere but there. But she knew that Lewis would be back any minute, and that she needed to prepare Noah. He was only a child, but too much was at stake for him to act like one. And she would have to be the one to kill that innocence.

            “You know for my job I chase down bad guys, right? And put them in jail.” Noah nodded.

            “Like I do when Eddy the elephant steals all the ice cream.” Olivia didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

            “Yeah, just like that. Well, the bad guys don’t always stay in jail. Sometimes they get out. Mr. Lewis is one of the bad guys who got out.”

            “But you’re gonna arrest him again, right? So he can go back to jail.”

            “I will. But I can’t yet.”

            “Why?” Olivia didn’t know how to tell him about the gun, about the threat they were under. Besides, if he was afraid he might panic. She tried to think of an explanation.

            “Do you know how sometimes in tv shows the good guys let the bad guys think they have them, and then they escape as a surprise?” Noah looked confused for a second, then his face lit up.

            “Like Perry the Platypus.”

            “Yes, like Perry the Platypus. Now, you and I both are like Perry, and Mr. Lewis is like Dr. Doofenschmirtz, okay? And Perry is very quiet, so that’s what you have to be. You have to sit and be quiet so that we’ll have him fooled. And then I’ll tell you when you need to act. Does that make sense?” Noah nodded, his fear abated by the idea of playing make believe. “Does he have an inator?” Olivia couldn’t help smiling a little.

            “You bet.” The smile was quickly, erased, though, when she remembered the next part of the conversation.

            “One more thing, buddy, and this is very important. But it’s a secret, so we’re going to whisper, okay?” She dropped her voice when she said the words and Noah nodded. “Good.” Stretching, she managed to reach in her boot and dig out the pocketknife she had been hiding. “Take this.”

            “You said not to play with knives,” Noah whispered.

            “I know what I said. But the rules are different now. You just need to be careful. I need you to take this and hide it. And only use it if Mr. Lewis tries to hurt you.”

            “How?” Olivia swallowed. She didn’t want to have to teach her son this.

            “You’re going to grip it with both hands, and you’re going to push it as hard as you can. Anywhere that looks squishy. Does that make sense?” Noah nodded. “Good. But only if you need to, remember.”

            “Yes, momma.”

            “Good boy.” Stretching the handcuffs to their full length she was just able to stroke his hair. “I need you to promise me you’ll stay here and you’ll stay quiet. No matter what,” she almost choked on her words, “no matter what you hear outside. Can you promise?” Noah looked scared again, but he nodded again. “Good. Good. I’m so proud of you. You’re so brave.” She heard the door handle turning, and quickly slipped the knife into Noah’s pocket.

            “Time to go, sweetheart,” Lewis spoke from behind her. Olivia felt panic rising in her throat, threatening to choke her. She pulled Noah in for one more hug, a desperate attempt for something to hold on to. She inhaled, breathing in the scent of her son. She needed to hold him, to feel him, to have something to sustain her in what was to come. From less than a foot away she heard him say, “I won’t ask again.”

            “Okay, okay.” She took one more deep breath, then pulled away to look her son in the face “Noah, sweetie, I love you so much. So much.” She planted one last kiss on his forehead and pulled away. As soon as did Lewis had grabbed her, pulling her towards the door. Noah immediately started crying.

            “Momma! Momma!”

            “I know sweet boy, I know.” Tears had streamed down Olivia’s own face, there was no use denying it. “But remember what we talked about. You’re so brave.” Lewis dragged her out of the room and slammed the door shut, cutting her off from Noah.

            Lewis was suddenly all business, his face impassive as he walked over to a table littered with knives, ropes, and a few devices Olivia didn’t want to know the purpose of. She braced herself, but when he turned back to her all he held was a bottle of vodka.

“Drink.” Her stomach already twisting itself into a ball, she shook her head. She needed her mind to remain clear. A spark of anger grew in Lewis’ eyes, sudden and dangerous. “Remember what we agreed? You don’t tell me no. Now, drink, or I’m going to take this to Noah and give him your share.”  That was all Olivia had to hear and she practically snatched the bottle from Lewis’ hands to screw off the cap. “That’s what I thought. Now go ahead and I’ll tell you when to stop.” Cradling the bottle between her hands, Olivia started to choke down the clear liquid. In a sick way she supposed she had to thank William Lewis. She had always known that trauma was a natural part of working in SVU, had anticipated it from day one. And she had always been afraid that she would handle the trauma the same way as her mother had: by turning to alcohol. When the trauma had come, though, and she found herself trying her best to forget William Lewis, she had found that alcohol had had the opposite effect. Every drink had brought flashbacks of her apartment or being propped up the back seat of a stolen car. Eventually, she’d been able to have a glass of bourbon with friends, but anything more than that would send her reeling. Of course, no part of her wanted to thank Lewis as he forced her to down half the bottle of vodka. Finally, he indicated that she could put the bottle down and she thankfully stopped drinking.

Hardly had she gotten a breath of fresh air, though, and he had dragged her into the center of the room. He grabbed a hook on the end of a chain that dangled from the ceiling. When he grabbed her arms Olivia understood that of course it hadn’t been kindness that had brought him to rebind her wrists in front of her. He attached the hook to the links in between her hands. With a tug to the other end of the chain her arms were jerked above her head. Olivia could only imagine what sort of purpose the chain and pulley system had served back when the lighthouse was active, but at that point it served to yank her upwards until she was barely able to stand with her feet on the ground, her body pulled taut like a canvas before Lewis. Her head was already growing hazy from the alcohol, and she thought she might be sick.

Still wordless, Lewis had stepped away from her towards the fireplace, which was roaring. He had grabbed a wicked looking poker that had been balancing precariously, one end in the flames. When he pulled it out it still glowed red hot and Olivia gulped hard. _Don’t scream,_ she told herself. _Noah is_ right there _and if you scream he’ll hear._ As he sauntered towards her Lewis grinned, like he could hear her thoughts and took them as a challenge.

“Let’s begin.”

 

Now, five hours later, he had burned, torn, and cut at Olivia in ways that hurt so badly she hadn’t thought it was possible. And yet, he hadn’t raped her. She wished she knew what he was waiting for so that she could give it to him and get it done with. Anything to get him to stop hurting her like this. Through hooded eyes she could see Lewis walking back towards her. He held a cigarette in one hand, which he waved carelessly as he walked around her, taking her whole form in. She heard his footsteps stop behind her. At first that had made her nervous. She had quickly learned that no matter where he was she should be afraid. And then she was in too much pain to care.  Early on he had ripped open her sweater in the front and back, and the tattered clothing hung around her arms. He held the cigarette against the exposed skin of her back, and Olivia let out a hiss. It was all she could manage. Lewis tutted, as if disappointed. “Come on, sweetheart. You can do better than that.” She didn’t respond. He had spent the better part of the last hours talking, and she had learned quickly that he wasn’t actually looking for an answer. It had been several seconds now, and he was still holding the cigarette in place. It was only when she let out a slightly louder moan that he relented. “There you go.” And in that moment Olivia understood. In all the hours they had been alone together she hadn’t screamed. Not properly. She knew that Noah was nearby and was trying to spare him the trauma. But that was exactly what Lewis was looking for. He wanted her to terrify her own child, to leave him listening to her cries and not knowing what was causing them.

“No,” she groaned out.

“Excuse me?” Lewis did seem genuinely surprised. In all their time she had barely spoken, after all.

“I know what you want and no, I won’t do it. You want to torture me? You want to rape me? Fine. But I will not make my own son suffer. Not for my sake and certainly not for yours.”

“All mothers make their sons suffer. It’s the nature of things.” Olivia knew where this was going, and it was almost hysterical. Without meaning to she let loose a peel of unhinged laughter. Lewis stepped back, unsure how to react.

“So that’s it?” Olivia felt herself drawing strength, despite everything, gaining a fraction of control back. This, at least, was familiar territory. “All this because of another sob story? What is it this time? Your mommy hit you? Is that why you hate women now?”

“Nah, she never raised a hand to me. Never stuck around long enough.” Lewis delivered the words flatly, clearly disappointed to have his thunder stolen.

“Well, isn’t that just tough? Mine used to pass out drunk every night. We all have shit, Lewis. Eventually you’ve got to get over it and grow the hell up.” While Olivia had been talking Lewis had been walking over to the table of instruments. When he came back with a knife Olivia braced herself for more pain. Instead, Lewis grinned in an entirely new way.

“There she is. I was wondering when she would show up.”

“What do you mean?” Olivia didn’t like the way he stalked towards her. Something had changed. Before he’d been going through the motions; now he was into the game.

“Olivia Benson, the _real_ Olivia Benson. Not this mask you wear. The woman who could beat a restrained man until he stopped moving. I knew she was hiding somewhere. Admit it, if you were free now, you’d kill me with your bare hands.” As soon as he said the words Olivia knew what he wanted. It wasn’t about hearing her scream and hurting Noah; that had been a read herring.

“You want me to admit that there’s some darkness in me that makes us the same, as if there’s a line between the heroes and the villains and we both fall squarely in the darkness. Well, I won’t. I have evil and I have dark, but the world isn’t that binary. Because I would never do what you do. I would never prey on the weak.” Lewis shrugged.

“Admit it, don’t admit it. I don’t actually care. We both know the truth.” He was right.  It wasn’t just that she wished she had killed William Lewis to protect innocents. She was almost painfully aware that given half the chance now she would murder that man for sport. And, what was worse, the fact didn’t even scare her. But she would be damned if she’d tell him so. Lewis seemed prepared for this reaction. “As long as you insist on acting like a pathetic whore I’ll treat you like one. If you decide you want to be more, then I’ll treat you like someone worthy of a fight. In the meantime,” he released the chain that suspended Olivia from the ceiling, causing her to crash suddenly and violently to the floor. Something was nagging at her, a voice yelling her to _get up! Fight!_ But the alcohol and the pain had made her sluggish and before she could force herself to move Lewis was grabbing at her hair, jerking her upwards. “Come on, sweetheart. We’re going to do this dirty. Get on your knees.” Olivia could barely hold herself upright, but the more she managed the more the pull on her scalp abated. Now Lewis was back in front of her, grinning down at her swaying form in a way that filled her with hatred. “If you need to hold on for support feel free.” She knew she’d fall on her face before she did such a thing. Now he was unzipping his pants. “I take it you know what to do. And I assume I don’t have to warn you about what happens if you try to bite me.” All it took was the situation combined with those words and Olivia was flashing back to another assault, one she hadn’t thought about in years. Within seconds her mind had transported her back to the basement in Sealview Prison, and she couldn’t stop shaking with the weight of the memories. Lewis could see it, too. “Ah, so this isn’t your first time after all.” Olivia managed to shake her head. No use lying about it; the truth was obvious enough. “Tell me about it.” She didn’t want to, didn’t want to admit one of the most terrifying moments of her life to this monster. But he had paused in unbuttoning his pants and the message was clear… reveal your humiliation and postpone the inevitable. And as much as Olivia didn’t want to admit it she did want to postpone it. She had prepared herself for assault, had spent hours telling herself _this is what’s going to happen. You know this is going to happen._ But she had thought that she’d be able to lie still, to close her eyes and take her mind somewhere else. What Lewis was demanding was her active participation, and she wasn’t sure that she could stomach it. So instead she told him the story of Lowell Harris, of going undercover in Sealview, of being dragged down to that basement and chased for what seemed forever, of how he had finally pinned her against the gate. “And  did he do you?” Olivia shook her head, feeling the smallest bit of fire return to her chest.

“No, no he did not. Because we stopped him and arrested him. And five years ago he died in prison.” The story had clearly still served it’s purpose for Lewis, though, because he eagerly finished undoing his pants and let himself out.

“Well then, this is for Lowell Harris.” And Olivia wanted desperately to fight. But she was so tired and so hurt and drunk and sluggish and a thousand other things. And on top of it all Noah was still only one room over. So she simply did as she was told when Lewis commanded her to open her mouth and didn’t bother protesting when he pushed deep and fast into her throat. She sucked and licked and did exactly as he commanded and when he was done he left her mercifully lying in a heap on the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I don't usually write this dark, so if it was mediocre I apologize, and thanks for your feedback of course. And if I ever take that long to update again feel free to come into the comments and kick my ass into shape.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter updated as of 6/16!! If you haven't read it since then go back and read at least the first part again. Sorry, guys, I just decided to expand my plans and kinda tell two stories at once so it just needed a little adding.   
> Anyways, enjoy the next chapter.

**12pm**

            William Lewis was unsatisfied. He had had a good enough time with Olivia. The torture had been fun and the blowjob had, well, done the trick. But still something was… lacking. He’d wanted to break Olivia, sure. He’d wanted to see her beaten and bloody and on her knees. But he hadn’t really wanted it so soon. He glanced at her, still crumpled on the floor like some injured animal, unconscious or too dazed to react to anything.

He’d thought she’d fight at least a little. He thought he’d get the satisfaction of an opponent. He wanted a warrior, someone he could get the satisfaction of taking his time with. Instead he got another scared whore. Anger boiling over he drove his fist into the wall in the side room he had retreated to. This wasn’t what it should have been! And he knew why. It was because she was insisting on wearing that white hat, on being the hero. The moment she gave into her lesser angels, boy that was when the real games would begin. He took several breaths, forcing himself to think. Well, if Olivia wouldn’t admit to the darkness inside of herself he’d make her. he needed to force her to make a choice, one that would make her realize that he wasn’t the only one with the potential to be a killer. He’d have to make a plan. In the meantime, he might as well keep playing this game. He was about to force her awake and try another tactic when he heard a crying from one room over. Olivia’s brat. Lewis had almost forgotten about him. But while Olivia was still out of it he might as well take advantage of the time alone, if for no other reason than he knew that it would drive her crazy if she knew. He left the main room for the one where Noah was squirreled away. The boy looked eager to see someone coming for him, but when he saw that it was Lewis his expression changed.

“I want momma.” Lewis had to admit to himself that he was surprised. He’d expected the kid to cower, to cry and whimper. Instead his voice was clear and as pissed off as a five-year old’s could be. “I want momma and I’m hungry.” Of course he did and of course he was.

“I’ll get you food. And  you can talk to your mom later. She’s resting now.”

“You hurt her.” Lewis scoffed at that. _He_ hurt _her?_

“How do you know that? You haven’t seen her yet.”

“She tried to be quiet. She tried real hard. But I was quiet, too, so I could hear. You were hurting her.” So, they were having the conversation. Lewis had to admit, he had been looking forward to this. Even as much as assaulting Olivia, he would enjoy telling her son the truth about her.

“Do you know what a hypocrite is, Noah?” The little boy shook his head.

“A hypocrite is someone who does something to you but doesn’t want you to do it to them. Like your mom.”

“Nu-huh.”

“Oh yeah? Who do you think did this to me?” Lewis gestured to the scars running across his face. That stopped Noah, causing him to freeze. “Yeah, your mom did that. When I was tied up and couldn’t stop her.”

“You’re lying. Bad guys tell lies and you’re a bad guy. You’re lying.”

“You don’t believe me? Ask her. See what she tells you.” Noah didn’t know what to say to that. Lewis knew that he was used to believing grown-ups, especially ones that spoke with confidence, and, well, that was one thing that Olivia Benson hadn’t taken from him yet. “Now,” he continued, digging in a backpack he had brought with him, “I think I have some stuff for peanut butter sandwiches.”

 

**3pm, Mike’s Diner, Manhattan**

            Amanda Rollins sat in a booth of the diner, cradling a coffee between her hands. She didn’t know if it was her fourth or fifth in the last eight hours, but she knew that it had been her dinner, breakfast, and lunch. A waitress had come by and asked her what she wanted to eat, but she had waved her away. The rough morning combined with the upcoming meeting meant that she might throw anything she ate back up. So she kept dragging from her coffee and ignoring the menu in front of her.

            Five minutes later the bell over the door rang as it opened, and Amanda nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound. And what she saw did little to calm her done. Nick Amaro looked as haggard as Amanda had ever seen him, running in with jacket flapping in the wind and his five o’clock shadow already prominent.

            “Amanda!” He called as soon as he was close enough to her booth. “What the hell? You call me here from Cali? Something about Liv? What the hell is going on?” Amanda took a hard swallow and ran her hand through her hair. She couldn’t look Nick in the eyes when she explained.

            “Lewis is back.”

            “Back? What do you mean? He’s in a coma.”

            “He woke up. We don’t know- they said it happens sometimes. But, Nick, he has Olivia. And Noah.”

            “How? Liv’s gotta be stronger than-“

            “He took Noah first. And Liv-“

            “She gave herself up,” Nick finished for her.

            “Yeah.” They fell into silence for a few seconds, neither of them sure how to address the space that the last four years had made between them, brought to a sudden close by this nightmare. Finally, Nick spoke.

            “Amanda, what am I doing here?” Amanda thought carefully about how to reply. She had gone back and forth with Finn and Carisi all morning on the issue of calling Nick. Carisi had been against it, not wanting to bring another unpredictable element onto the board. Amanda had insisted that they needed someone not bound by the badge, someone on the outside who still knew Olivia as well as any of them, someone else who could care as much as they did. Finn had bounced between the two of them. Finally, Carisi had relented and Amanda had made the call.

            “We need to get her back and 1 PP, well, they just want to stop Lewis. They don’t care what we lose. We need more people who do.” Nick didn’t reply right away and Amanda felt her frustration swelling. “Look, Nick, it’s gonna be dangerous. If you don’t want to do it, with Zara and Gil, I get it.”

            “Why? Cause I’m the only one with a kid?” Amanda bit her lip. He didn’t know; of course he didn’t know. “Would you let that stop you?”

            “Actually, I- I got a daughter, Nick.” Nick startled, clearly trying to process the information.

            “A daughter?”

            “Yeah, her name is Jesse. She’s three years old. And I’ll save you the trouble of asking, she’s not yours.” Nick shrugged, clearly trying to process the information.

            “Okay, fine. Well, if you’re going to risk it I can, too.”

            “Good. Cause we need all the help we can get.”

 

**Apartment of Lt. Olivia Benson**

            “Rollins is already at the diner. We’ve got to move,” Sonny called into the apartment, pacing nervously by the door.

            “Detective Rollins is at the diner with Nick Amaro,” Barba challenged from down the hall. “I doubt giving them a couple of extra moments alone is a bad idea.”

            “Right, cause they had a bit of a thing.” Barba, who had come into the living room, gave Sunny a questioning look. “What? I got ears. People talk.”

            “Yeah, of course.” Barba shrugged. He looked himself, but also not himself. The light was gone from his eyes, the swagger from his step. And Sonny knew what was taking it away. He reached out and grabbed Rafael’s arm as he was walking by. Usually he wouldn’t dare touch him, but nothing about these situations were usual.

            “Hey, it’s not your fault.” When their eyes met, Rafael’s were full of guilt.

            “Not my fault? I left her. It’s my job to know when people are lying and I couldn’t see it.”

            “If she didn’t get away then she would have found another way. With the bait he had he was going to catch her. It wasn’t you.” Rafael took a deep breath. He wasn’t sure he believed it, but hearing the words out loud was something.

            “Yeah, okay.” Together they left the apartment. They had barely locked the door and started down the hallway when a blonde woman in a tan trench coat rounded the corner.

            “Hey, what the hell?” Sonny thought maybe he’d seen her before but couldn’t place her. Rafael, on the other hand, clearly could.

            “Alexandra?” He asked incredulously. “What are you doing here?” _Alexandra._ That made Sonny remember. Alex Cabot had been quite the story when he was studying at law school. The ADA who’d come back from the dead. And she looked every bit as fearsome as Sonny had always imagined she was.

            “I’m here because Liv is missing and no one thought to give me a phone call.”

            “No one knew _how_ to give you a phone call,” Rafael shot back.

            “The internet exists, Barba,” Alex replied with a scoff. “You could have figured it out.”

            “And how did _you_ figure it out?” That was from Sonny, the part that had been nagging at the back of his head. How did an ADA that had retired to Florida find out what had happened so quickly? Alex turned to face him.

            “And you are?”

            “Detective Carisi, SVU.” Sonny held out his hand and Alex shook it briskly.

            “Alexandra Cabot.”

            “I know who you are.” There was a momentarily awkward silence. Finally, Sonny repeated his question. “How did you know what’s going on with the Lieutenant?”

            “I keep tabs,” Alex replied vaguely. “And maybe I know something about women and children who go missing.” Barba picked up on the counselor’s reserved tone. He and Alex Cabot had worked on a couple of cases together, before either of them had gone to SVU, and they’d seen each other in the office. They weren’t close, but he knew when she was holding something back.

            “Alex.”

            “It’s not important right now. What’s important is we need to get Olivia and Noah back.” Barba wanted to fight her, if for no other reason than to prove that there was something he could still win. But time was a precious resource and he couldn’t afford to waste it.

            “Fine.” The three of them made their way out of the apartment, where a car was already waiting. In the driver’s seat was a slight redhead.

            “Casey Novak,” Barba said as he slid into the back seat, followed by Carisi. “What is this? A reunion?” Casey shrugged.

“Olivia’s in danger.”

**Rochester, NY**

            Finn Tutuola sat in his squad car on the street outside of a two-story cape cod style house. By all means it was a nice house, clearly full of life. A kid kicked a soccer ball around the front yard. A young woman with a baby in her lap sat and watched him. They were so picturesque it felt wrong to interrupt that, like breaking some sacred privacy. Less than six hours ago he had met with Munch back in Manhattan, who had handed him a slip of paper.

            “It’s all here.”

            “Thanks, man.”

            “Finn, you know I don’t like this I wouldn’t do it if it weren’t for Liv.”

            “I know.” And with one last nod they parted ways. Now there he was, at the address that the paper had brought him to, considering making the long drive back to the city with nothing. But almost as he was about to start his car again to leave a loud knock on his passenger window made up his mind for him. Standing outside the window, staring at him with just as much disbelief, was Elliot Stabler.

            Finally, Elliot shrugged.

            “Want to come in for a cup of coffee, Finn?”

            Inside Kathy brought them both mugs of coffee. She had to be shocked, but she didn’t say anything besides “nice to see you again” and quickly left the two men alone. The kitchen they were sitting in was as all American as Finn had ever seen, nicely decorated with checkered drapes and a matching table cloth. This was the better side of Elliot Stabler, the side that he had never been allowed to embrace as a detective. Finn ha to admit it felt good to see someone find their happiness, especially someone with as much dark in his past as Elliot. He hated to be the one to drag him back.

            After a few minutes of small talk Elliot was the one to ask the question: “Finn why are you here? And how?”

            “Munch is a PI now. He was able to find your new address. I wouldn’t have done it but it’s Liv.”

            “Liv. Right. She’s a mom now.”

            “How did you know?” Elliot waved it away.

            “Kathleen saw it on some gossip site.”

            “Yeah, she would have told you but-“ Finn cut himself off, thinking of the sealed invitation to Noah’s christening, still sitting, stamp and all, on a shelf in Olivia’s apartment. _But she didn’t know your address._ “That’s in the past. Anyways, she’s in trouble. Some psycho we caught years ago just escaped from prison. He’s taken her and Noah and we’re gonna get them back?”

            “We?”

            “Our own team. We’re not counting on the brass to help her.” Finn knew what they were thinking: all the times that Elliot had done what was needed- _whatever_ was needed- to get the perp. He had interrogated the man he thought had killed Judge Culler’s son. He had beaten rapists within an inch of their life. When he needed to be Elliot could be the fiercest protector any of them had ever seen. Before Finn could say anything else Elliot stood up.

            “I’m not that guy anymore.”

            “I know. But-“

            “No, this is my home.” Though Elliot didn’t raise his voice, his tone was firm enough to signal the conversation was over. “You need to leave.” He started to walk by and Finn grabbed his arm. For a second it looked like Elliot was going to hit him, but he didn’t.

            “Elliot, this is Liv.” Though he didn’t say it, it was obvious what he was trying to convey _This is Liv, and you already left her once._ They stood in tense silence for several seconds, not breaking eye contact. Just in the moment that Finn was sure that he had lost, that Elliot was going to toss him out on his ass, he broke away.

            “Fine. But just this once. And just because it’s Olivia.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Avengers: Infinity War is the most ambitious cross over event in history." Me: Hold my beer.   
> Anyways, I just was kinda thinking how SVU tends to just drop it's characters and thought it would be cool to bring everyone back to help save Liv. I hope ya'll like it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I'll keep this intro pretty brief. I think we'll all agree that this is quicker than I've been getting chapters up lately, so yay for that. This one's also quite a bit longer, to make up for the last one being pretty short. Also, I know that there's been abuse, both physical and sexual up to this point, but heads up for some pretty descriptive physical abuse that I think could be triggering in the last couple of paragraphs.

_When she had been a child Olivia had dreamt of having a father. Not daydreams, though she had had those, too. No, Olivia Benson had had vivid and incredible dreams while she’d slept about what it would be like to have a father. Her dreams always started with her in danger. She’d be hanging from a cliff by her fingertips or kidnapped by men in ski masks. But just as she was about to lose her grip, just as one of the guys was waving a gun, her father would burst in. sometimes he was tall, sometimes he was blonde. He was always kind, and unbearably handsome. And every time she had a dream she wrote it down in a notebook. She enjoyed writing as a child. She embellished her stories with details she could never have dreamt up, added flourishing pose. In hindsight her work was terrible. At the time she thought she was Shakespeare._

_One night, when she was eleven years old, she had been sitting in the living room, writing a story about a dream the night before in her marbled composition book, when her mom had come through the front door. By the way she stumbled over the entry carpet Olivia knew she was drunk. Even as a child she wasn’t surprised. She knew she should try to help her mother through the apartment and into bed as she had every other time this had happened, but Olivia didn’t move. It was late and she was cross, and tired of this._ Why did her mom act this way? Why couldn’t she be like the moms at school who were home all night and tucked their children into bed, not the other way around? _So instead she ignored Serena, pointedly focusing on continuing to write._

_“Ol…Olivia…” Olivia continued to ignore her. “Hey you! I’m talking to you!” Serena had managed to peel off one of her shoes, which she threw at Olivia. It hit her in the back of the head and she turned with a cry._

_“Ow! What are you doing?”_

_“What am I doing? What are you doing? It’s too late for homework.”_

_“It’s not homework,” Olivia answered indignantly. “It’s a story.”_

_“A story? You write stories?” Her mom’s laughter pricked at Olivia’s ego._

_“Yes, about my father.” That stopped Serena’s laughter. Her silence was worse._

_“Your father? What do you know about him?” There was something new in her voice, something more than drunkenness and something more than mockery. There was danger. Olivia quickly found herself backtracking without really knowing why._

_“Nothing. I don’t know anything. They’re just stories. I just make them up.”_

_“Yeah? And what happens in these stories?”_

_“I’m in danger and he saves me.”_

_“He saves- he saves you?!” The laughter was back, but this time it wasn’t just cruel, it was hysterical. Serena had started to pace the room, but before Olivia could respond she whirled to face her, sticking one finger in her daughter’s face. “Listen here, kid. Your dad never saved anyone. All he ever did was hurt. He snuck in my room and he held me down and he raped me and he ruined my life. That’s the kind of man he was. Whatever it is you got there,” she gestured to Olivia’s notebook, “it could never be real. He ruined everything.” And without another word Serena fell over onto the couch and passed out. That was the first time Olivia had heard that word- rape- come from her mother's mouth. She'd heard it whispered about in school, behind children's hands. And one day she'd looked it up in the dictionary to understand what people meant. But now she understood. It wasn't a silly word used when the teacher wasn't looking. It wasn't dark ink on a thin, white page. It was her beginning._

_That night Olivia had thrown all her notebooks, over half a dozen of them, in the trash. As she did so her mother’s voice repeating in her head_ He ruined my life. He ruined everything. _And Olivia knew that Serena didn’t just blame her father, the mysterious rapist. She blamed Olivia herself for even being born. That was when she gave up on wanting to be a writer and decided to become a detective. She would stop men like the one who had taken a young college student and turned her into an alcoholic and abuser. She would stop them all, and they would pay._

 

**4:15 PM, An Island in the Hudson River**

Olivia was brought back to consciousness by Lewis kicking her in the back.

“Rise and shine!” He declared cheerily. She barely twitched. “Come on, sweetheart! Up and at ‘em.”

“No,” she muttered. “No, please.” She knew she was pitiful and she didn’t care.

“My patience is wearing thin, Olivia,” Lewis warned. She knew she had to give something, or else he may get bored and kill her right there.

“What do you want?” She managed to choke out. “What do you want now?”

“Actually, I’m here to give something to you. A chance to see Noah.” The promise was enough to perk her up and force herself into a sitting position. She didn’t just want to, she _needed_ to see Noah.  

“What do you want?” She asked warily. Lewis never gave anything.

“Nothing,” Lewis shrugged. “I just thought that since you performed so well,” she shuddered at the implication, “you deserved a reward.” Olivia couldn’t help the excitement growing inside her. A breeze on her bare skin turned the anticipation into apprehension in moments as her mind caught up with her body and she remembered her bare chest.

“Lewis.” By his responding grin, he knew. Still, he was going to make her say it. Of course he was going to make her say it. “I need a shirt. I- Noah can’t see me like this.”

“Well that’s tough, cause I don’t think yours is going to work at all.” She knew he was right. The tattered remains of her sweater still hung around her arms. “Of course, I do have a solution.” He shrugged off the blue button up he was wearing over the tank that had once been white. Olivia reached for it eagerly, but he held it just beyond her grasp. “You don’t get something for nothing, Olivia. You know that.”

“What do you want?” Even as she asked she felt herself falling into despair. A broken voice inside her head begged silently.   _If he wants to fuck me again I may actually die_. _Please, God, just a little bit of a break._ But instead of saying anything Lewis walked over to the table  and grabbed a hammer. He pulled the gun out of his waistband and pointed it at her. They both knew it was an unnecessary gesture. Even with a weapon she’d have a hell of a time trying to fight anyone. The first thing he did was release the handcuffs, the gun still trained on her. She didn’t bother to attack, though, letting them dangle limply from her right arm. She stretched out her hands, savoring the feeling of them being free again. Before she could truly enjoy it, Lewis tossed the hammer towards her. She hesitated, not sure what to do next. She thought she might know, but her mind was too fuzzy to figure it out. Lewis rolled his eyes. “Take the hammer, sweetheart, and choose a bone to break.”

“What?” It wasn’t that she couldn’t believe that Lewis would do that. It was only one in a string of horrors. Still, she could hardly comprehend what he was asking of her.

“Break one of your bones,” He repeated. “With the hammer. Could be an ankle. Could be a finger, to match your son. I don’t really care. But I want to see you do it.”

“And- and if I do you’ll give me the shirt?” He smirked.

“Cross my heart.” Olivia stared at the hammer on the ground in front of her for several seconds, not moving. He wanted to hurt her, he wanted to kill her, then that was what he would do. But getting her to break herself was something that she wasn’t sure she could comply with. Lewis, of course, anticipated her hesitation, and was waiting with an even sicker solution. “Of course, I could offer you a choice. Break a bone, ooorrr… “ He drifted off and Olivia had to stop herself from screaming at him.

“Or what?” She hissed out.

“Or tell me about your father. You always were so hesitant to talk about him.” Olivia didn’t say anything else, didn’t hesitate. That was a secret she would never give to him, not on her life. Instead, she picked up the hammer. Olivia placed her left arm flat against the ground, the angle awkward and uncomfortable. She pulled back the hammer and, with a sharp gesture, brought it down, hard, against her wrist. She managed to keep herself from screaming out loud, but the resulting groan through clenched teeth was enough to widen Lewis’ smirk to a grin. “There you go. Was that so hard?” Olivia didn’t answer the question, tears streaming down her face from the pain. When she could speak again all she said was

“The shirt.”

“Right, of course.” Lewis did take off the blue shirt and throw it at her.

Olivia snatched at it gratefully and started to put it on, carefully maneuvering the sleeve around her already swelling wrist and wincing in pain the whole time. When she started to fasten the buttons she ran into another obstacle. Her left hand was useless, and she couldn’t do them without it. Lewis, anticipating that, was already squatting next to her.

“Let me get that.” Olivia started to protest. They both knew that the only reason he was offering was to have another opportunity to invade her space, to touch her. But a few more seconds of struggling and she gave in, too tired to fight it. He took his time, and she shuddered each time he touched her skin. When he got to the third button down he suddenly and quickly slipped a hand inside the shirt, moving to cup her breast. Every part of her wanted to scream and pull away and claw at him. She forced herself to do none of that, keeping her expression as stoic as she could manage. He kept his hand there for a moment, reminding her that he could, before chuckling and moving on to finish with the buttons.

When he was done he stood up. She tried to do the same but found that the best she could was force herself to her knees. _Her knees…_ The memories of hours before almost made her throw up. _Could that have really happened? To her, Olivia Benson? That didn’t happen to her._ She shook her head, forcing the thoughts to the side. Noah was waiting, and she needed to see him. Noah was all that mattered.

“Let me see him,” she rasped out.

            “I’ll get him.” Olivia hated the thought of Lewis leaving her behind while he fetched her son. Even those few seconds when they would be alone together filled her with dread. But she knew that she couldn’t get to her feet, much less walk with him. So she waited on the floor and a moment later the two of them emerged from the smaller room.

            When she saw Noah again, tears pricked at Olivia’s eyes. She held out her arms.

            “Oh, sweet boy! Come here.” Noah hesitated, though, his expression scared in a way that broke Olivia’s heart. So, she must have looked worse than she thought. Finally, he took tentative steps towards her. When she tried to hug him, forgetting for a moment her wrist, she felt a searing pain shoot up her arm. She drew back with a hiss, causing Noah to recoil.

            “Mamma? Did he hurt your arm?” Olivia thought as quickly as she could, trying to come up with an explanation..

            “It was a mistake,” she lied. “Momma just hurt herself.” Noah looked like he didn’t believe it for a second. He was so smart for a child, so observant.

            “It’s not good to lie,” He said, his voice accusing. Olivia hated to think what else he might be referring to.

            “You’re right, baby. But we don’t need to talk about this right now. You’re so brave, and so smart, do you know that? And I love you so much.” But Noah was looking at her carefully.

            “Your shirt is different. What happened to your shirt?” And Olivia couldn’t help it anymore. She was trying to be brave for her son, God knew she was _trying,_ but that one question and she felt the whole horror of what had happened. She felt every burn and scar. She felt the pain and humiliation and fear, and it was all so obvious to her five-year-old son. She drew him in for a hug with her good arm, shaking with barely concealed sobs. She tried to come up with an explanation, but found she was crying too hard to speak. So she just held him tighter. She wasn’t sure how long she held onto Noah, making them both tremble as she cried. But her sobs had barely begun to abate when Lewis reached in, separating them. Olivia clutched at her son desperately but Lewis pushed her back and she knew better than to try to protest. She doubted she had the strength to, anyways.

            “Noah and I talked while you were asleep, didn’t we?” Lewis’ voice was too sweet as he gave Noah a slight nod. “We learned a new word. Tell her the word you learned.”

            “I don’t remember,” Noah muttered, staring at his toes. “It started with an h. like hippo.”

            “Hypocrite. The word we learned was hypocrite. Do you remember what it means?”

            “When someone does something and doesn’t want you to do it.” Olivia felt a cold dread sweep over her.

            “Noah, sweetie,” she started, choosing her quickly. She glanced at Lewis, who gave her a nod. She could tell what he was thinking _Ask him. You know what you want to ask him._ “What did Mr. Lewis tell you?” Noah shook his head, biting his lip. He was terrified to say it, and that, more than anything, told Olivia the truth. Still, she needed to know for sure. “It’s okay. You can tell me. I won’t be angry.” And she wouldn’t; she would not be angry at her son. But Lewis might if Noah didn’t answer the question, and that terrified her more than anything. Finally, Noah spoke, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

            “He said you hurt him. He said you did that to him.” Noah pointed at Lewis face, and Olivia understood he was referring to his monstrous scars. Olivia took a deep breath, thinking quickly how to respond. She couldn’t lie to her son, both for her own sense of morality and to avoid Lewis’ wrath. But she knew that he couldn’t understand the whole story either. And after everything she had gone through in the past twenty-four hours she didn’t think she’d survive it if her son believed her to be a cold-blooded monster. When she spoke her voice was measured, calculating.

            “You know, he’s right, sweet boy. But you remember we’ve discussed this before, right? That sometimes people fight and they get hurt.” That was the wrong thing to say and Olivia knew it as soon as she said it. She knew she should have given up her pride and admitted to brutality. It was clearly what Lewis wanted. She should have let Noah believe every horrible thing about her. But she held on to her high ground and barely had the words left her mouth than Lewis backhanded her across the mouth.

            “Liar!” He bellowed. Noah screamed, reaching for her, but Lewis held him back with one arm across his chest. Olivia fell to the ground with the force of the blow, her head knocking painfully against the stone. She wanted to lie there, to let the darkness at the edges of her vision overtake her. But she took a deep breath and forced herself slowly, painfully, to a sitting position.

            “Lewis-“

            “You’re a lying bitch,” He cut her off. “It’s not a fight if someone can’t fight back. And you made sure I couldn’t fight back.” Lewis turned to Noah next, and Olivia’s heart beat harder. “There are consequences to lying. You know that, right, Noah?” Noah nodded, clearly scared beyond belief. Lewis moved closer to Olivia, until his face was right in hers. He was worked up, his skin turning red in a way that made his scars even more pronounced. “You know that, Olivia,” He hissed out. Despite his rising temperament he spoke quietly enough for only the two of them to hear. “Now tell him the truth, the _whole_ truth, before I take something permanent from your son. Say an eye. Or his tongue. Considering it would be a result of your lies that would surely be poetic.”

            “Don’t,” Olivia choked out around the fear rising in her throat. She knew his threats weren’t hollow, could see it in the rage in his eyes. “I’ll say what you want. I swear.” He stared her down for another moment, and to Olivia his dark eyes were boundless, so deep she could fall into them and drown in them like a terrifying well. Finally, he pulled away.

            “Good.”

            “Noah,” she spoke carefully. “I didn’t tell the whole truth before. Mr. Lewis and I didn’t get in a fight. I… I hit him very hard.” She felt more tears pricking at her eyes as she spoke, then cascading down over her cheeks. “I tied him up with my handcuffs first, and then I hit him with a stick.” As Olivia had been speaking Noah had looked from her to Lewis, not sure where to let his gaze settle.

            “Why?”

            “I- I was very angry. And sometimes when we’re angry we make mistakes.” _And my mistake was not killing the motherfucker,_ she thought. Now Noah was shying away, cowering from both her and Lewis. It broke Olivia’s heart to see the pain in his eyes. He didn’t understand at all. And she didn’t know how to explain it. “I can tell you more about it another time. But I love you, Noah. You know I love you so much.” Noah nodded, but his expression was still confused and guarded. And when Olivia held out her arms for another hug he held back.

            “Okay, bud, I think that’s enough for now,” Lewis spoke up. “Let’s get you back in your room. Your mom and I need more alone time.” A small, foolish part of Olivia wished that Noah would protest as Lewis led him away, just to prove that he still wanted to be with her. But he was silent and allowed himself to be walked back to the other room.

            After Lewis closed the door he turned back to her. He had calmed down from when he had hit her before, but the anger was still obvious on his face, and Olivia knew that she wasn’t going to like what was going to happen next.

            “Now,” he spoke measuredly, making sure his words carried the weight he intended. “I spared your son because you did such a good job obeying and telling him the truth. But you still lied at first, and someone has to be punished for that.” Without saying anything else, he undid his belt buckle. The sound of leather sliding out of his pants made shivers break out across Olivia’s skin, and when he folded the belt in on itself, buckle out to face her, she wanted to scream, wanted to run. Instead she lay there, barely able to cover her head as he brought the belt down.

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Wow, another really heavy, dark chapter, Beth! Why do you do this?" Cause life's a bitch, hypothetical reader, and so am I. Anyways, thanks for all the feedback so far and tell me your thoughts you're having cause they feed me.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves! BTW I upgraded the rating on this piece as I was rereading it and realized this probably isn't something I would want my teenage sister exposed to. Anyways, warning for some lesphobic language/homophobic attitudes in this chapter.

_Olivia Benson found herself standing in a hallway. On either wall were rows of lockers, and posters hung in any free space along the wall. In the distance she could hear the chatter of children, the blowing of a gym whistle._ Was she in a school? How did she get here? _She took a few cautious steps down the hall, not sure where she was going but led in a certain direction nonetheless. She stopped outside a door on her right, the second from the end. Inside a boy stood in front of the class with a man in a police uniform. Words written on the board in white chalk read **Career Day- Bring Your Dads!** The man in the uniform was showing off his badge as the little boy talked animatedly. The whole class watched raptly. The whole class except for one girl, who sat in the back. Almost all the other kids had a grownup sitting with them. But the girl was alone. She stared down at her hands, picking at loose skin around her fingernails. Olivia recognized her immediately. _That’s me! _She thought with a shock. Every year her school had the dads visit for Career Day and every year she had hated it. But she remembered that year as the worst of all. Only months earlier her mom had told her the truth, and as young Olivia sat in the back and watched the parade of older men come to the front of the classroom with their children she felt a special kind of poison. It curled itself into a tight ball in her chest, making it hard to breathe. And Olivia felt the anger and betrayal as fresh as it were yesterday that she were sitting there. She had wanted to run to the front of the classroom. She had wanted to yell for everyone to hear_ ‘I know what my dad did! He was a rapist. How’s that for a goddamn career day?’ _She wanted to shake up the whole world with what she held inside._

            _Adult Olivia wanted to go into the classroom and sit with her. She wanted to put an arm around her shoulders and tell her ‘_ It’s going to be okay. Pay attention to that badge. You’re not going to need anything else from them. You’re going to be your own hero.’ _But when she went to grab the door handle it disintegrated into smoke in her hands._

 

            _Next Olivia was at a party. Around her teens were gathered in dark rooms, red solo cups or beer bottles in their hands. Some of them were dancing to some slow, entrancing beat. Others lounged in chairs or couches, smoke drifting around them. The only lights were pink and blue and wavered erratically and Olivia had to struggle to keep herself from stumbling as she made her way through the room. Along a far wall a boy and girl danced. They couldn’t be any older than 16. The boy pinned the girl up against the wall and they moved together to the music as they kissed. Olivia knew the boy, knew what that he tasted like pot and alcohol. She knew what his hands on the girl’s waist-_ her waist _\- felt like as they lifted up the hem of her shirt. They felt smooth at first, like feathers. But then they moved down, down to the band of her pants. And suddenly they felt like lead. Young Olivia didn’t know why she minded Steve McKinnon playing with her pants. She had had a crush on him for two years, and if he wanted to do that well, it was what everyone else was doing. But suddenly she was scared. She tried to shift away but he moved closer, his hands moving across the space of her lower back under the fabric, towards her ass. She didn’t want to fight him, didn’t want to make a scene._ Why couldn’t he realize from the way that she stopped dancing that she didn’t want this? _But he was breathing heavy in her ear, hot on her neck. And his hands weren’t stopping. Adult Olivia felt her own heart catch in her throat._ ‘Come on,’ _she silently urged her younger self._ ‘Push him off. It doesn’t matter if he’s mad. It doesn’t matter if everyone stares. Push him off.’ _Young Olivia was feeling the same tight anger in her chest. But this time she told it to be quiet._ ‘This is normal’ _she hissed to herself ‘_ just go with it.’ _Adult Olivia wanted to go to her but suddenly her limbs were too heavy to move, and there were too many people between them. Steve felt her for a few minutes, grinding against her. And Olivia stayed frozen. Finally, she was able to break away and got another drink._

            _Then Olivia was in a bar. A small crowd dominated the space, making a festive mood. An older man with a balding head and a potbelly raised his beer. ‘To the new detectives of the 14!” He toasted. The group raised their own drinks in response, letting out a round of cheers. The ones in uniform, looking young and fresh, cheered the loudest. Towards the edges of the crowd a woman in her early 20s, wearing the same officer’s uniform, leaned against the bar and sipped from her bottle. She let a rare smile to tease the edges of her mouth, and she closed her eyes to bask in the moment. Years of hard work had led her here. She had done it. Because she wasn’t looking she didn’t notice the two other officers approaching her. One was younger, in the same uniform as her. The other was the same older man who had made the toast. Older Olivia wanted to warn her, but her throat wouldn’t make a sound. She knew that their friendly smiles masked sinister intent._

            _“Hey, Liv.” The younger man said, startling Olivia to attention._

_“Oh, Mark. You surprised me.”_

_“Sleeping on the job already?” the other man joked, wagging his eyebrows suggestively. Olivia, still young, couldn’t stop herself from blushing. Mark picked up on her insecurity and moved closer, draping an arm around her shoulders in a way that she was sure was supposed to appear casual.  It made her skin crawl._

            _“Ah, don’t mind him, sweetheart. We’re all very proud of you. First girl detective out of the 14. Where is it your going next, again?” Of course he knew. They all knew and had teased her about it nonstop._

            _“Special victims unit,” she muttered under her breath. Her other training, the one that the Academy had never meant to teach her, was kicking in._ Keep your head low. Just take it, just grin politely. They’re trying to get a reaction, don’t give it to them.

            “ _Riiiight,” Mark said slowly. The older detective chuckled. “The panty police.” Older Olivia ground her teeth. She had almost forgotten the old nickname. “Don’t you want a real job? Does it make any sense to you, Stewart?”_

            _“Who knows?” The other detective, Stewart, replied. “Maybe it’s a lady thing.” Olivia knew what everyone thought, knew the whispers that followed her around_ ‘why would someone choose to join sex crimes? The real action is homicide. Or narcotics. Everyone knows that. No one becomes a cop to deal with crying girls all day. Unless _… This was the part that Olivia hated the most…_ Unless if someone did it to her. Unless if Benson’s damaged goods.’ _Mark grinned._

 _“Maybe she’s just a dyke. They’re allowing those around now, too.” The same anger that had been there before rose inside Olivia. She was tired. She had worked hard for years,_ years _, and now she was supposed to have just one night to relax. And frankly tonight she had had too much to sit there and take it. But she wasn’t going to scream at them, either. Her captain wasn’t too far away, and she knew that all anyone wanted was an excuse to throw her off the force. So she pushed herself off the bar, leaving her drink behind. “Awww, come on, Liv,” Mark teased. “You don’t got to go.” Olivia turned back, hiding her anger behind a smirk. She gave both the men a jaunty salute._

_“Maybe you shouldn’t have called me a dyke, Mark. Or maybe you should have been less of a dick. Who knows?” And she was living. Older Olivia felt pride swell in her chest. It wasn’t what she had wanted. She had wanted to deck both of those men, toss them across the bar. But it was the first time she hadn’t just taken it, and it was a start._

 

_The next time the scene changed Olivia was standing on a street. It was night out, the street lamps catching softly falling snow. She could see two figures coming down the sidewalk towards her. They leaned into each other, talking and laughing. One of them was blonde and tall, thin but strong looking. The other was brunette and the snow was starting to create a white blanket in her hair. Olivia immediately recognized her as herself, now in her 30s. The other woman was Alex Cabot. And of course, she knew what night this was. They were only a few yards away from her now, and the older Olivia braced herself for what she knew what was going to happen. A second later a man jumped out at them from a nearby alley. Alex was closer and he grabbed her. The gun he held against her waist made it obvious that he wasn’t looking for a fight, just trouble._

_“Give me your purses,” He spoke frantically. “Both of you, your purses and your jewelry. Now.” Older Olivia knew that both of the younger women must be terrified now. She could remember the feeling, the cold taste, almost like metal in her mouth, as her heart beat fast. But this time she didn’t even want to intervene. She knew what was going to happen next, and though she had been terrified at the time she knew now she had nothing to fear. Younger Olivia started taking off her watch and necklace. She held them out, along with her purse. When the man reached across Alex’s shoulder to grab the item Olivia dropped them._

_“Sorry,” She muttered. “Nervous.”_

_“Hey, lady,” the man warned. “Don’t play with me.” Olivia fell to her knees to pick up the items. Now, with his view of her blocked, it only took a second to shove his legs with both his hands. The man went down, hard. His hand flew out to the side, and though he managed to squeeze the trigger on the way down the shot went wide. Alex stood behind her as Olivia drew her own firearm, training  it on the man. With her other hand she drew her badge._

_“NYPD!” She yelled, breathing hard. “Stay down, asshole!” She felt adrenaline, felt the last remnants of fear. And yes, she felt anger, too. The rage that had been settling inside her whole life was starting to come to the surface, snaking up her throat and down her limbs, causing them to shake. She could see now that the man was hardly older that a kid, that he was terrified and crying. And the rage didn’t care. Behind her were sirens wailed as a squad car pulled up._

_“Olivia,” Alex murmured, lightly touching her shoulder. Olivia flinched like her touch was fire. But it was enough to snap her out. “That’s enough. We’re safe now.” Olivia lowered her gun, still breathing hard. And the scene faded to black…_

Olivia woke with a start, gasping. Everything hurt. There were still burn marks and cuts across her skin. And of course the angry red welts from the belt that was now tied around her wrists. She forced herself to quiet down, to take in her surroundings. Lewis wasn’t there. She hated not knowing where he had gone or what he was doing, but she was glad for the moment’s reprieve. And he had left her only bound by the belt. Either he was playing something or he no longer considered her a threat. _Or both_ , she thought sourly. It took several minutes of forcing her mind beyond the pain, beyond the hopelessness and fuzziness, but she was able to force herself up. First sitting, then to her knees, then slowly, painfully, to her feet. Taking cautious, stumbling steps she moved towards the window in the far wall. She needed to take in her surroundings, and, just as importantly, she needed to breathe in air that didn’t smell like her own burning flesh.

When she finally made it she leaned as far out as she could trust herself to without falling out. The cool air was a godsend against her face and torso. She didn’t dare allow herself to close her eyes, but she breathed deep, taking it in. The air was wet and smelled of salt and refuse. To her it was heaven. She could see the shore of Manhattan. So close, yet so far. Not wanting to think of what was just beyond her grasp she looked anywhere else. Which meant looking down. The waves beat against the rocks of the island, creating a violent spray that fell just short of reaching her. Olivia briefly thought of what it was would be like to lean just a little farther, to let herself fall out and down into the ocean like a wave breaking against the shore. _Stop it,_ she told herself. _Think of Noah._ But she still stood there, relishing the relief of the fresh air.

She was so distracted she didn’t hear the footsteps behind her and was taken off guard by a hand grabbing her roughly, pushing her back far enough to slam her back against the wall of the lighthouse.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Lewis growled in her ear. Olivia knew she should be afraid, knew she should be trembling. But the memories she had just relived, whether they were dreams or hallucinations brought on by too much physical strain, had reminded her of something: she was strong. She had grown from a sullen little girl to a scared teenager to a budding young woman, to a fearsome detective. And she had done it with the anger and she had done it with the pain. And what she was faced with now wasn’t a beast. He wasn’t the devil or even a demon. He was another man who got off on hurting women and making them afraid. And she was done being afraid of men like that. Using what little strength she had she pushed back. It couldn’t have been much force, but Lewis wasn’t expecting it and when she got enough space to move her arms she raised them above her head, using her closed fists like a battering ram. Lewis’ grip released and she spun around to face him. He was standing only a couple feet away, grabbing the gun with one hand and holding his nose with the other. Blood spurted forward. But through the bright red Olivia could swear he was grinning. “Welcome to the party, Olivia,” He commented. “I was wondering how long it would take you to fight back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading my friends. I was feeling this chapter pretty hard so I hoped you enjoyed it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! New chapter! This one's fairly brief, but enjoy. Also, if none of this makes any sense it's because it's 3:30 here and I've had like 6 hours of sleep in the last 36 hours. Happy readings!

**Chelsea Pier 54, 5PM**

            The car holding Casey, Alex, Rafael, and Sonny drove up to the pier, prepared to meet up with Nick and Amanda and begin the search, hopefully joined shortly by Finn and Stabler. What none of them were expecting was for Amanda and Nick to be waiting sheepishly by their vehicle, with none other standing between them than Chief William Dodds. Sonny sucked in a quick breath. They were compromised. Oh, this was bad.

            “Casey, turn the car around. Turn the car around!” Casey complied, yanking the steering wheel so suddenly the tires squealed on the ground. As she was about to press down on the gas and haul ass out of there Amanda came running towards them, arms waving desperately. From inside the car Sonny could just hear her muffled shouts.

            “Wait! Wait, Carisi!” Casey was already driving away, desperate to put space between them and Dodds. But Amanda kept after them and Sonny hesitated.

            “Wait.” He hated telling Casey to turn the car around but suspected in his gut that Amanda would dig herself in fifty feet of shit before she flipped and gave them up. “Go back. Let’s- let’s see how this plays out.”

            “Sonny,” Casey said incredulously, making no indication of slowing down, “I know I’m new to this little gang, but don’t we want to _avoid_ the chief of detectives?”

            “Yeah but trust me.” Casey just looked away from the road for a second, just long enough to share a look with Alex. But that one glance was enough. Nodding and taking Alex’s hand in her own, Casey slammed on the breaks of the vehicle. The four occupants all went hurtling forward with the force of the stop. “Everyone okay?” Carisi asked.

            “Yeah,” Alex answered.

            “We’ll see if we are by the time this is over,” Casey muttered under her breath. But together the four of them exited the car.

            Dodds and Amanda were already approaching them, Amanda running ahead.

            “Rollins, what the hell?” Carisi demanded, rushing to meet her.

            “I could ask you the same thing, Detective. It’s not my first time around the block. I know when my detectives are lying.” Dodds’ response was harsh, but Carisi knew it was no more than they deserved. He wasn’t used to disobeying orders, wouldn’t have thought of it if it weren’t to save the best commanding officer that he’d served under. And while the chief was entitled to his rage Carisi felt that he had to try to explain.

            “You weren’t supposed to find out, Chief. We didn’t want to bring this down on anyone else’s head. And-“ Carisi took a deep breath, careful to proceed. “And all due respect-“

            “With all due respect you were afraid that the NYPD would consider your lieutenant an acceptable loss?” Amanda and Sonny exchanged glances. Neither of them wanted to admit it, but that was exactly what they were afraid of. Thankfully, Dodds wasn’t going to make them say it. And his expression was softening.

            “I get it, detectives. Believe it or not I remember what it was like to have a CO that you respect above all else. And I remember what it’s like to want to move heaven and earth for one of your own just to feel like you can do _something._ And you’re right; Benson is one of the good ones. So, this is what we’re going to do: from this point forward this is a rescue mission sanctioned by me personally. When he gets here, as I’m sure he will, Detective Tutuola will be in charge. Amaro, you’re going to be brought in as a consulting private citizen. And you,” he directed at Casey and Alex, “well, I was never able to tell a DA what to do before and I’m not about to start trying now.” He paused to give them a chance to catch up. The team stared at each other, all of them equally stunned. They had imagined the moment any of the higher ups had found out about their rogue mission they would all be trouble and Olivia would be as good as dead. What Dodds was saying was a godsend beyond what any of them had imagined. “My condition is you keep me in the loop. You send updates, and you call for back up if you need it. I’m not losing anyone else today. Understand?” Amanda was the first to find her voice again.

            “Yes, sir.”

            “Good.” Dodds gave them all one last hard look before getting in his own car and driving away.

 

**An Island in the Hudson**

            William Lewis didn’t know what brought the fire into Olivia’s eyes, but he had to admit he was glad for it. She had started to get so _boring_ , another sad creature he broke in less than a day. That was half the time as before. Four years in a coma and he knew: he was _owed_ something more. He was owed a warrior. Standing in front of him, eyes flashing and muscles taught, Olivia was electric. She was that warrior. And he was delighted to have the chance to break her.

            Of course, the pure amount of fight in her could only last so long, with her physical state being what it was, and as soon as the adrenaline began to fade Lewis knew she would begin to feel the pain again. And one moment in particular he was looking forward to. When it happened, she doubled over, holding her left arm close to her body. She’d forgotten when she’d hit him that her wrist was broken, and the force of that blow had to have hurt her even more than it did him. Lewis stood there, impassive, and watched as she curled around her broken bones, moaning through her closed lips. It took several minutes for her to be able to do anything but drown in the pain, but when she did, there was a new question in her eyes. It wasn’t any different from the pain, just an extension of it, laced with fear.

            “Noah?” Of course. She was terrified that he was going to hurt the boy for the stunt she just pulled. He decided to give her this one sliver of assurance, just to prove that he could.

            “No, I’m not going to do anything to him. Truth is, Olivia, he never interested me. Best we keep this between us adults, right?” Olivia looked suspicious, but she nodded.  She had forced herself upright. She swayed slightly but stood tall. That pride in her stance, the way she refused to let the pain and exhaustion take her. Lewis had to admit, it was a bit of a turn on. And it was going to be even better to force her back to the ground. He moved too quickly for her to step back, until their faces were mere inches away from each other. She flinched, and Lewis chuckled slightly. They all thought that they’d be able to hide their fear, until they were surprised. But Olivia recovered shockingly well, covering her emotions with the mask of determination. She wasn’t going to make this so easy for him the second time. He reached out to touch her neck, thumb caressing her jaw. When she tried to pull away he reached out with his other hand and grabbed her broken arm, a rough contradiction to his other soft touch. When she stopped struggling he lessened the pressure of his grip. He didn’t have to say a word to make his message clear: _hold still or I hurt you._ She didn’t try to pull back again. But the anger, the renewed fire in her eyes, didn’t go away. That was fine; he had time. “I have this theory, Olivia. Do you want to hear it?”

            “Actually I think I’ll pa- aaah!” She cut off with a cry when he squeezed her arm.

            “That was more of a rhetorical question, sweetheart. Anyways, I have this theory that certain people, certain incredible people, you have to break three times before you break them for good. Now, I got you once, all those years ago in the beach house. And again earlier.” She opened her mouth to protest but he cut her off, placing a thumb over her lips. She didn’t flinch this time, didn’t shudder. They both know that he could do- had done- worse. “Don’t bother denying it. we both know the truth. That mean that if I’m right- and we both know I am- I’ve got one more shot.”

            “Does this make you feel like a big man?” Olivia demanded. “Touching me, intimidating me? I hope it does. Because between you and me, we both know you need every opportunity to feel big.” She looked down, certain that he understood her meaning. He felt anger rising in his chest, a fire that spread down his limbs before he could stop it. _Bitch._ His hand slid back to her throat, squeezing tight. For a second he could see her eyes widen with fear, just a little bit. But it made him grin. Good, she needed to know that finding a little bit of a spark didn’t mean that he would tolerate that sort of shit. A little bit of fight was interesting. Any more than that was trouble. After a second or two he released the grip. Even though he hadn’t held her long she was gasping for air. So, she wasn’t doing well, physically. He could use that. But there was something that he needed to take care of before they could get to the important stuff. Before she could properly catch her breath, he was grabbing the belt, dragging her forward. She stumbled along, just trying to keep her footing. Across the room he grabbed the half empty bottle of vodka.

            “Come on. Finish it.” Olivia shook her head defiantly. He briefly thought about playing the kid card again, just to get past this tiresome task. But, no. that was cheap theatrics, and they had moved past it. Instead he took a step back, walking slowly around her. She eyed him warily, but otherwise didn’t move. They both knew there was no point. When he was behind her Lewis snaked an arm around her waist, so fast she didn’t have a chance to fight it. In the next second he pulled out the gun, pressing the muzzle against her lower back. “I shoot you now, you’re paralyzed. Now…” He nodded with his head towards the bottle he had left on the table within arm’s reach… “Drink.” She sullenly complied. They were so close to each other, sharing the same breath, the same heat. As she drank he pressed his face into her hair, inhaling deeply. Even after over twelve hours in his custody she smelled like soap and mint. When the bottle was empty she let it drop to the ground. Fine. He put the gun back in his pant’s waist. With her there he had a special opportunity. Wouldn’t want to waste it. He let the hand that wasn’t still holding her touch the small of her back. She flinched at the unexpected feel of his skin. Boy, was she going to _love_ what was going to happen next. His hand started to move, sliding down, under the waist band of her pants. That made her breath hitch.

            “Lewis…” The single word was heavy, the alcohol already taking affect in her empty stomach. He ignored her, the hand still moving. He cupped her ass, grabbing firmly. Then it was moving, fingers sliding down and forward, seeking. She must have had more fight left than he realized, because she started bucking against him. “St…stop. Lew- stop.”

            “Shhhh… shh… don’t want you to get hurt here, Olivia. This is tricky.” He was so focused on what he was doing he wasn’t prepared when she lifted a foot, donkey kicking him hard in the shin. The two of them went flying in opposite directions, him stumbling several feet back and her falling forward. It only took Lewis seconds to recover, swearing profusely as he pulled out the gun. He pointed it at her before realizing that the gesture was unnecessary. Olivia had hit her head on the stones on the floor and was lying on the ground. Though she was obviously breathing, she was unconscious. That was okay. Lewis knew he needed time to plan his next step anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that was a good read. I always love your feedback, even if it's critical. Thanks for your time!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 4 in the morning and I banged this out instead of sleeping cause I'm a godamned fool. But I was bit by inspiration and shit all this out in like 2 hours. But I didn't proofread like at all so any of this sounds dumb and irratic, sorry not sorry. Also, this came out way gayer than I ever intended (said my mother about me. Self burn!) Enjoy!

**The Hudson River 10:15 PM**

            Amanda had been on the river for hours, navigating trash and other boaters alike. She had seen more of the City’s waterfront in the last five hours than she had thought possible. She and the others had investigated every back channel or stream they could find. But they found nothing. And with it being dark searching was getting even harder. A cold wind blew across the water and Amanda drew her windbreaker closer. She was almost tired and frustrated enough to cry, something she’d last done she didn’t even know when. A crackle on her radio made her jump.

            “You find anything yet?” The voice on the other end made Amanda grind her teeth. Elliot Stabler. She had heard about him often enough. Anyone with eyes could tell how Olivia had felt about him, after all their time spent together. The two of them had been closer than family, closer than any people should be able to be. And in the end he had left her without a word. She’d never said as much but Amanda knew that it had broken a little, and that that was why it had taken her so long to open up to her and Nick. What was he going to do after they had found Olivia, just up and disappear again?

            “Nothing here,” Nick’s voice replied over the radio. Amanda knew that she couldn’t blame him for leaving, the way she could Elliot. He was just doing what was right for him and his family. And it’s not like he had dropped off the face of the earth. But she still felt irritated when she heard his voice, and she wished that she could switch with Finn and investigate on the land with the ADAs. Everyone thought she was irrational, a risk. Quick to anger and slow to forgive. But when the cards on the table _she_ was the one who had stuck around. Along with Finn _she_ was the one that Olivia had relied on the longest. But they would never see her differently for it. Finally, she replied.

            “Yeah, I got nothing.” Just as soon as the words left her mouth a flash of light caught the corner of her eye. It was just a second, probably nothing. But maybe it was something. “Wait, I might have something. A light. I’m going to go check it out. Come back me up.” She listed off her coordinates before starting the boats motor again and steering in the direction that she had seen the light.

When Olivia woke up she was terrified by how cold she felt, how much air grazed across her skin. It took her a few seconds to push through the disorientation, the drunkenness that made the world spin, and the headache crushing her skull. But when she was aware enough to connect the sensations to reality, the horrifying truth dawned on her. She was strung up like she had been earlier, hanging from her wrists. But this time she was completely naked. _No, no, no…_ Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, and she had to bite back a scream. She couldn’t cover herself, couldn’t hide, couldn’t do anything. She started twisting in the chains, trying to pull her legs up to curl in on herself. But she didn’t have the strength.

            Her struggles were interrupted by William Lewis walking up the stairs. When he saw her writhing he grinned.

            “Might as well give it up, sweetheart,” He said, the smugness permeating his voice. “Or don’t. I do like it when you struggle.” When he said the last part Lewis reached out, his hands hovering above her midriff. Olivia did her best to suck in her stomach, to retract away from his touch like they were opposite poles of a magnet. He stopped before touching her, though. Instead he took a step back. “I am glad you came to. You always worry, with alcohol and a head wound. I wouldn’t want our fun to end too early.” The whole time he was talking his eyes were raking her up and down, taking in every inch. It made her want to be small, to shrink up to nothing. But she forced the instinct to cower away, focusing on the strength she had found inside her. Whether he was right or not, William Lewis believed that if he broke her down again it would be over. And that was when he would kill her, and, by extension, Noah. She had to keep him alive. She had to be stronger than she had been.

            “Is this supposed to intimidate me? Scare me? After everything you’ve done?” She spat out. “The problem with putting someone through hell, Lewis, is you’ve already shown your hand. You can’t scare them anymore.”

            “Don’t make assumptions, Olivia. I’m sure I still have some tricks up my sleeve. For example, why don’t you ask me what you’ve been wondering the whole time we’ve been talking?” As soon as he said the words the question that Olivia had been avoiding, had been refusing to even acknowledge sprang straight from the recesses of her mind out of her mouth.

            “While I was unconscious did you…” she sucked in a deep breath, hating her hesitation. “Did you rape me?” She had said the word thousands of times in her life, more than most people ever would even think of. But in that moment it seemed absolutely foreign to her, like she was speaking in a language she barely knew. Still, Lewis was determined to make this as difficult as he could for her.

            “What do you think, sweetheart?” Olivia forced herself to think logically, past the fear and trauma to think about what she knew of Lewis. And since she had spent more time than she’d like to admit thinking about him it was a  considerable amount.

            “No. No, you’d want me to be awake. To feel me… resist.” He grinned and Olivia knew she was right. She also knew that was hardly a victory.

            “Very clever. And, you know, for a while there I was afraid that you’d deprive me of that, sitting there like a slab of wood.”

            “What makes you think I still won’t?” She shot back. “Just to foil you?” Lewis moved closer and settled his hands on her hips. She tried to struggle but he held on, and she had no leverage to push him away.

            “Because now you’re fired up. You’ve found your spark, that little bit that keeps you going, and not even you can stop it. Besides we both know what happens the second you give up.” That was true. As much as she had wanted to go into this prepared for the worst, resigned and hoping it would be over quick, that wasn’t an option if she wanted to save Noah.

            “Go to hell,” she spat out. He ignored her.

            “You know, speaking of fire and hell, I thought we’d give this another go.” He turned back to the fireplace, the hot coals a red blanket. She sucked in her breath. ‘ _Goad him,’_ she told herself. ‘ _Make him angry. Keep his attention on you. Anything you have to do.’_

            “That old chestnut again?” She taunted. “Can’t come up with anything more original? Come on, Lewis, you’re getting boring.” She was getting to him, too, Olivia could tell. His movements over by the fire were hurried and jerking, and he dropped things several times, cursing as he did so. _‘Good,’_ she told herself. _‘Piss him off. He’ll get sloppy.’_ She was beaten and bruised and less than sober, but Olivia had somehow pushed herself past lethargic and defeated and moved to hysterical and scheming. She harbored no illusions of having a way out, of ever escaping alive. But if she could get Lewis to screw up even a little, if she could get one moment like she’d had before at the window, she could maybe send a signal of where they were and someone would be able to come rescue Noah in time. But when Lewis turned back to face her Olivia could feel her new-found resolve start to quake a little. In his hand he a metal bar, but instead of glowing hot like the other ones he had used this one was wrapped in a scrap of cloth and it was on fire. He must have soaked the whole thing in some sort of starter fluid because the flames were larger than they should have been on a torch of that size. Olivia felt herself start to tremble. _‘This is what you wanted,’_ she reminded herself. _‘You taunted him. You asked for this.’_ Somehow, that didn’t make her feel better. Lewis could see the fear in her eyes, the way the bright flame reflected in her dark irises. She knew it had to turn him on. He walked around her naked form, moving briefly near the window, then back again.

“Do you remember, Olivia, that you cut your hair after our time together?” She didn’t answer. “You probably thought it would make me angry. Truth is I was glad to see I’d had such a profound effect on you. To see that I could make you go through such a change.” She didn’t say anything, until he touched the flame to the ends of her hair. The smell was what hit her first. Rancid, worse than the flesh even. She gagged on it.

“Lewis, st- ah!” The fire on the end of her hair brushed briefly against her bare back and Olivia’s pleas broke off with a cry. Now it was climbing higher, only maybe six inches from her scalp. “Lewis, stop! Put it out! Please!” With a grin he obliged, pressing at the fire with a damp cloth until it died. She let out a sigh of relief despite herself. When she moved her head felt a pound lighter, and the sensation made her want to be sick. Or maybe that was the smell again. She could tell she wasn’t the only one gasping for air. Behind her, Lewis was panting, too. His forehead rested against the base of her neck and they both shook with the force of it.

“You’re incredible, Olivia. There’s no use denying it. And I am having so much more fun breaking you this time around.” She could hear something else. The sound of a zipper. _Oh God._ But then there was something more. Something besides the rustle of his jeans and the labors of their breathing. Something outside. Lewis must have heard it too, because he paused in what he was doing, startling. He stood up straight and moved towards the window, and Olivia hated to notice that she felt the absence of his touch as strongly as she had felt the presence of it.

“Fuck!” The word was a low growl in Lewis’ throat. “Fuck, fuck.” He moved back to the center of the room, turning to face Olivia. She was battling consciousness, now, struggling to comprehend what was happening. He grabbed her chin, making sure that she was facing him. “Your friends are more clever than I gave them credit for, Olivia.”

“Maybe… rrr… sloppy,” she muttered out. Despite the fire, despite everything, she was cold now. She was cold and she couldn’t keep her eyes open. She had to keep fighting… fighting him… but she couldn’t remember why. Why did she night to fight him? For who? Lewis took one good look at her and scoffed.

“That last bit must have done it, cause you’re a goner. Too bad. We never did get to do it proper.” He shrugged, already moving again. He was grabbing that damned blue shirt from the floor and slipping it on. Then he was grabbing a bag. “Anyways, I think I’ll leave you like that. Something for them to find.” He was talking to himself now. There was no way Olivia was still conscious and if she was she was beyond understanding him. “Gotta take the kid, though. Got to have some sort of insurance.” He ducked into the side room where Noah was. At some point the boy had fallen asleep. Lewis gave him a rough shove to wake him up before dragging him to his feet. “Come on, kid. We’re moving.” Noah looked like he might cry again. _‘Jesus Christ,’_ Lewis thought. _‘Does the brat ever do anything else?’_

“What about mommy?”

“You’re mommy can’t come with us. Now get moving before I give you something to cry about.” He was already dragging Noah out of the room. When he caught sight of his mom hanging there, Noah’s tears turned into full blown sobs.

“MOMMY!” He started tugging, trying desperately to run towards Olivia.

“Come on,” Lewis fought back. “Stop it. Stop-“ He cut off when Noah pulled against his grip and snapped back, losing his footing in the process. He knocked his head against the wall and stopped moving. Lewis checked his chest. Still breathing. Thank God. He couldn’t lose all his leverage right away. Besides, he’d be a hell of a lot easier to move this way. Lewis threw the kid over his shoulder and beat a hasty retreat down the stairs. At the door to the light house he could hear voices just outside. _Fuck!_ On the opposite wall was another window. Okay, they hadn’t made it over there yet. And that was the same side that his boat was on, anyways.

Maneuvering as best he could with Noah Lewis made it out threw the window. He stumbled down the rocky slope to the water where his boat was waiting. They were beating on the front door. Good, they were making a lot of noise. He started the motor to the boat, confident they wouldn’t hear, and pushed away. As the island got smaller and smaller in the distance he felt bitter sweet satisfaction. He’d never gotten that final victory over Olivia; ultimately, she had gone to her grave the winner. But his luck had held in every other respect. And he did have the boy.

 

_They flung open the door to the lighthouse, Amanda leading the way and Nick and Stabler flanking her. “Lewis!” She hollered, already pointing her gun. It was empty._

_“Rollins, the stairs!” Nick pointed and the three of them ran towards them, making a quick but careful way up the treacherous steps. At the top it was dark except for the low light in the fireplace. The place had been recently occupied but was now abandoned except for… except for Olivia, hanging from a chain by her wrists in the center of the room, stark naked._

_“Liv!” Amanda cried. She rushed towards Olivia. Stabler tried to move past her and she elbowed him out of the way. She had to get to her. As soon as Olivia was in arm’s length Amanda started searching for a pulse. She was so cold. “No, no, no, no, no,” she muttered to herself._

_“There’s no one here,” she heard Nick call from another room. She ignored him._

_“Damnit, damnit.” Finally, there it was. There it was! “I got a pulse! I got a pulse!” Stabler was reaching for his radio._

_“We need a bus. Officer down. Stat!” He gave their location._

_“Help me get her down!” Amanda demanded. Stabler shook his head._

_“We can’t, Rollins. Not until the bus gets here.” Amanda nodded, but felt tears spring to her eyes anyways._

_“Well, then help me cover her, keep her warm.”_ Keep her decent. _She took off her own windbreaker, throwing it as best she could over Olivia’s shoulders. Amanda couldn’t help noticing that her hair was short, burned at the ends._ So that was the smell.

_“Nnn… Nooo...” The barely audible sound from between Olivia’s lips startled Amanda and made her sick all at once. Lewis was long gone and she was still begging him to stop. “Where is that bus?” She demanded to no one in particular._

_Fifteen minutes later the paramedics arrived, and Olivia was still alive. Nick, Amanda, Elliot, were all rushing to be near to her. But the paramedics took her away separately, and the three were left to follow. It wasn’t until the paramedics were gone and the island was crawling with CSU that it hit Amanda what was off: Olivia hadn’t been begging Lewis at all. She had been asking about her son. Noah was still missing._

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... A lot happened there, very dramatic. That's kind of the end of the first act, so it may take me a bit to update, fair warning. Anyways, I hope you loved it. And if not I hope you tell me why so I know what to do better.


	16. Resurrecting Benson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter serves as a sort of bridge between the first part and the next one, so it's super brief. I'll be back to you with a regular chapter soon, hopefully.

                    _When Olivia woke up she was surrounded by glass and light. She tried to sit up but her body wouldn’t obey her._ Okay, try moving something smaller, she told herself. A finger. Move a finger. _Her right ring finger twitched._ Good, that’s good. What about your hands? _She could move them both but when she tried to lift them they hit something hard. More glass. Was she surrounded by it? Making a fist and pulling it back as far as she could, she punched the glass in front of her. But it didn’t break, didn’t even budge. Now the panic was setting in. She was stuck laying there, like something was sitting on her chest and pinning her down. And she was in some sort of glass box._ Turn your head, Olivia. Turn your head and figure out where you are. _The light shone in her eyes with an intensity she could barely imagine, but she was able to squint past it to see a gathered crowd of people, all dressed in black and sitting in rows._ What the hell? _Now she was moving, passing by all the sitting people. She looked over one shoulder and saw that people were carrying the box. And the realization hit her like a train. It made her breath start coming in small bursts, made her skin feel tight and the box feel small. No, not box- the coffin._ ‘I’m in a coffin! This is my funeral!’ _Off to her right Finn carried one corner of the coffin. She could see_ _Carisi on another corner. Amanda sat in a row near the front, her hands shoved deep into her pockets, her cheeks tear stained. Next to her, Barba stared stoically ahead. His lips moved in a prayer too quiet for anyone to hear. She pressed her fingers against the glass, pushing with all her might._

 _“Don’t cry! I’m alright, I’m right here!” But they couldn’t hear her. Now they were nearing the end of the procession and by twisting Olivia could just make out the gaping maw of her grave. It was dark and seemed boundless, a black hole waiting to swallow her forever. “No! No! No! No! I’m alive! Damnit, I’m alive!” She screamed, she beat her fists against the lid of the coffin. But none of  it made a difference. No one could see her, no one could hear her. And now the darkness was waiting._ _“No! I’m alive!”_

 

“No! We’re losing her! Come on, damnit!” The paramedic’s protests were interrupted only by the flat tone of the heart monitor. After another minute of desperately performing cpr, of swearing and trying every medical trip she knew, she felt a hand on her arm, gently pulling her back.

“Murphy, she’s gone.” Angela Murphy shook her head, dark hair swiping against her shoulders in a ponytail as tears sprang into her eyes. She didn’t know why she was crying, she had lost plenty of patients in the back of that ambulance. But this one was different. She had been on the television plenty of times and Angela had always admired how strong she looked, how sure. Now, she just looked broken.

Just as Angela was leaning back, quietly whispering one more time “Damnit” she heard a noise.

With a gasp, Lieutenant Olivia Benson started breathing again. She sprung forward, screaming. “I’m alive! No, I’m alive!” It took all of Angela’s self control not to dissolve into hysterical laughter. _How fitting._ She forced the lieutenant down, putting enough pressure to keep her from moving.

“Yes you are,” She managed to choke out. “Yes you are.”

 

 

 

           


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I told ya'll it would take me a while to get the next chapter up, but turns out I have exactly two things going for me in life: my job and this fic. And since today was my day off... Anyways, it might actually take me a while to figure out where I'm going with this next, so don't be surprised if there's a bit of a wait. But go ahead an enjoy!

**Mercy Hospital, 3:27AM**

            Carisi stepped off the elevator onto the fourth floor, a cardboard tray of coffees in each hand. The SVU squad was waiting in the hallway. Finn sat in one plastic chair, looking intensely at a notebook in his hand, as if it might give him an answer. Next to him, Amanda slept, her head resting on his shoulder. Sitting across from him Nick Amaro rubbed his hands over his face. He was emotionally exhausted, but he knew he had gotten the more rest lately than the others.

            “Okay, where could he take Noah. Anywhere?” It was the same question he had been asking for five hours, and everyone had given up on trying to provide a response. They had no leads and were too worried about Olivia to try to come up with any. Next to Nick’s chair Donald Cragen paced anxiously. He had received the call just past midnight, and had rushed to the hospital, staying with the rest of them since.

            Carisi distributed the coffee amongst the group, holding onto only two cups. Further down the hall, Rafael Barba stood, staring through a window into the hotel room where Olivia lay, still unconscious. The steady beeping of the machines couldn’t be heard through the glass, but Barba could see the brightly colored lines run across the screen. He had been here enough to know that she was holding steady, no more, no less. Carisi offered one of the coffees up.

            “How is she?”

            “She’s- she’s not dead.” It was the best Barba could come up with. According to the EMTs Olivia had coded in the ambulance, and they thought that was it. But she had come back. “She’s not dead,” He repeated in a whisper. “And she’s a fighter.” Carisi nodded.

            “Yeah, she is.” Carisi tried to offer up the coffee again and Barba ignored him. They stood in silence for several seconds. Carisi knew this must be eating him up inside. He had done his part in the courtroom, making sure that Lewis had gone away. But after the escape attempt he hadn’t put up a fight when they’d moved him to minimum security at Bellevue. There was no reason he should have: William Lewis would likely have been in a coma for the rest of his life. But between that and leaving her alone the other night, Carisi knew that Barba blamed himself. And it the knowledge killed the detective. He was struggling for something, anything, to say to alleviate the guilt. Before he could say anything, Barba turned to look at the detectives down the hall from them.

            “Why are they just sitting there?” He demanded, his tone thick and harsh. “They should be out looking for Noah. Or have we given up on him, now?” His words bit into Carisi’s heart, who looked down the hall to see if the others had heard. The lack of reaction told him they hadn’t.

            “Hey, we’re doing what we can. But we got no leads and most of us have been awake for almost two days. Until the Lieutenant wakes up we got nothing.”

            “Still…”

            “There are Unis out looking, state patrol, everyone. There’s nothing else that can be done now. And, Barba, they’re not the ones you’re mad at. You’re just mad. So save it for when we can use it.”

 

            _Olivia had been wondering in grey for hours. At least it felt like hours; she had no sense of time here. But her legs had begun to hurt and she wanted to stop and sit down. But she couldn’t. Somehow, she knew she couldn’t. In the distance she could start to see something, and she sped up her pace. Anything to get a way out of here. As she got closer she could see two seats situated around a table. And sitting at the table was a woman with long blonde hair. When she rounded the table and could see her face Olivia thought the woman looked familiar. She was young, maybe twenty, and more innocent than anyone Olivia had known in a long time. But she could swear she knew her. She stopped, facing the woman._

_“Olivia, welcome,” The woman smiled when she saw her. Olivia didn’t recognize that smile. But she was starting to see pieces of someone she knew in the dark of the woman’s eyes, the wrinkle around her lips._

_“Mom?” The woman in front of her was Serena Benson before Olivia had ever known her, before the rape that changed her life. She was radiant._

_“It’s good to see you, sweetheart. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”_

_“What are you doing here?” Serena chuckled._

_“Me? Oh, I’ve been here for years. I belong here. You’re the anomaly.”_

_“Where is here?” Olivia reached to pull back the other chair as she spoke, but Serena waved her hand and it refused to move._

_“Not a place for the living, my dear. You don’t want to rest here.” At the sound of the pet name Olivia felt tears spring to her eyes and she furiously wiped them away._

_“I need to, mom.” She hated how her voice cracked on the last word. “I’m so tired.”_

_“I know you are.” Serena got to her feet, rushing over to place one hand gently against her daughter’s cheek. “But you are so strong, Olivia. And you’ll need to stay strong for all of the people out there who need you. For your loved ones, for your son. And I have absolute faith that you can do it.” Olivia nodded, placing her hand over Serena’s, thinking of all the times that that hand had been laid on that exact spot on her face in a pinch or a slap. And she thought she could hardly breathe. “Now, ask me what you’re thinking,” Serena prompted, and now Olivia’s tears_ did _begin to fall._

_“Why were you never this kind to me?” It was a foolish question. Olivia knew that there was no why, not really. There was only pain and lost innocence and a mountain of other questions. But, still, she needed to ask. She hadn’t had a father growing up, that was just part of the deal. But why had she never gotten the mother that she deserved?_

_“Oh, Olivia,” Serena cooed. “I had so much pain and so much rage. I had been robbed and I was never taught how to cope with the loneliness that left. That’s not an excuse. But my mistakes gave you a fighting chance: to be an incredible leader and woman and mother. And my only regret is I never was there to make it right.” Olivia nodded. She knew that nothing said in this place could serve the purpose of mending that bridge, but she thought maybe she didn’t feel the pain quite so strongly. “Now,” Serena continued, “You can’t stay. You have so much left to do.” She waved her hand and the grey fog dissipated to show a golden road. Olivia looked at it before turning briefly back to her mother. The young woman in front of her was one she had never known. But she had somehow molded Olivia into the woman she had become, and she was ready to be. She nodded._

_“Goodbye, mom.” And with that they stepped away from each other, and Olivia walked down the path._

            Donald Cragen was in the room when Olivia opened her eyes. She blinked lazily a few times before seeing him.

            “Captain? Wh- what?” Her mouth was dry and her head was fuzzy and she wasn’t sure where she was or why. But she immediately recognized the slight smile tugging at her captain’s mouth.

            “Welcome back.”

           

 

            Elliot Stabler was walking towards the hospital doors, jacket slung over one arm and car keys in the other hand, when he heard the click of heels behind him. At first, he ignored them, but when a familiar voice called “Elliot!” He turned to face the speaker. Alex’s was not a face that he had ever expected to see again, but somehow God had conspired and here they were.

            “Are you leaving?” Alex asked. “Didn’t you hear? She’s awake.”

            “Yeah, I heard.” He kept his tone short, careful.

            “Then why are you-“ She stopped as the pieces clicked into place in her mind. “Elliot, you should see her.”

            “I said I’d help find her, get her to safety, and that’s what I did. With what she’s gone through she doesn’t need to deal with this right now. It’s easier this way.”

            “That’s what you thought last time. From what everyone else said, it wasn’t true then. I doubt it’s true now.” Elliot felt a twinge of guilt. Olivia had been his partner, it was his job to have her back. If he hadn’t abandoned her would any of this have happened? He hadn’t wanted to go. As much as he told everyone- even himself- it wasn’t for Olivia’s benefit that he’d made such a sudden break. It was for his. He knew he couldn’t leave his job if he was still in this city, tempted to find any excuse to go down to the station and see her again. There was no way he’d be able to keep himself from wanting to be near her every day. And she didn’t deserve that. Cathy didn’t deserve that. “You thought that you’d spare her your feelings. You didn’t. she always knew how you felt.” Elliot had forgotten how blunt Alex could be.

            “How did you know?” He finally asked.

            “Everyone knew. It had to have been SVU’s worst kept secret.” They were silent for several seconds, Elliot neither moving to the door nor away from it. Finally, Alex spoke again, and it was one of the few times Elliot could remember her sounding unsure. “I loved her, too.” Elliot couldn’t help cracking a grin.

            “Counselor, that was SVU’s _second_ worst kept secret.” She let out a chuckle at that. He could see it felt good to hear him say it. Finally, they could be honest with each other.

            “Come on, Elliot,” She prodded. “Let’s go in. We’ll see her together.” He nodded and turned to walk back with her towards the elevators. As he did so he noticed the brief case over her arm and that she was wearing her coat. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one thinking about making an early exit.

            “Were you…?” He teased. She laughed again, giving him a light shove.

            “Oh, shut up.”

 

            _William Lewis entered the truck stop, baseball cap pushed low over his brow, hand in one pocket fiddling with his lighter. The place was off the beaten path and this late there was only the cashier in sight. He was a burly guy, more than Lewis could hope to subdue with brute force. ‘Thank God for the invention of firearms,’ he thought to himself, a grin breaking out on his face. But it wasn’t time to act yet. He slowly made his way around the store, grabbing candy bars, energy drinks, some duct tape and rope. When he got to the counter he gestured for a pack of cigarettes. Barely had the man put them down on the counter than Lewis pulled the gun out from the waistband of his pants._

_“Give me your money.” The man didn’t jump, just stood a little bit straighter. He had the expression of someone who had done this before._

_“Yeah, okay. No problem.” He opened the drawer, pulling out bills methodically. When he put them on the counter Lewis gave them a quick assessment. A couple hundred. Not enough to get him far, but it would do. The cashier’s hands were straying towards the edge of the counter and Lewis gestured with the gun._

_“Don’t even think about it.” The man stopped his reach for the panic button._

_“Okay. You’ve got what you want. Just go.” Lewis grinned._

_“I might have. But it’s been a long night, and I_ really _need a win.” And without another word he shot the man in the forehead._

_Out in the car  Noah was in the backseat. He had woken up shortly after they’d left the island, but Lewis had given him a small dose of rum. It was barely half a glass, but it was enough to knock the kid out for several more hours, giving Lewis blessed time and quiet to come up with a plan._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Godamn, Beth! Another out of body dream sequence?! Why do you do so many?!" Because they're so much fun to write and let me explore deeper issues. Anyways, the next chapter will have some actual action, so tune in for that fun stuff. And, as always, I love and appreciate the tremendous support ya'll have given me.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I did warn ya'll it would be a little while. And I know this one's kinda brief, but I wanted to get it up instead of making you wait any longer.

**Mercy Hospital, 11AM**

            Chief William Dodds entered Olivia’s hospital room to find a scene of chaos.

            “Let me, let me go!” Olivia struggled to push out of the bed, and despite her injuries it was taking two nurses and Amanda to hold her down. “I need to go find him! I need to find Noah!”

            “You need to rest,” one of the nurses insisted.

            “Rollins,” Olivia growled. If she had fangs Amanda believed she would have snapped them. “Let me go. That’s an order!”

            “I can’t do that, sweetie,” Amanda insisted, a forced calm in her voice. “We’ll find Noah. I promise. But you’re still not out of the woods. If you don’t lay down you could open some stitches. You could start bleeding again.”

            “I don’t care!” As Dodds took in the scene he let a stony wall fall across his demeanor. He had been SVU’s helper throughout this ordeal. He had been their protector. Now he would have to be their chief; and they weren’t going to like it.

“Rollins, Tutuola, come here,” He instructed. They both looked surprised, but his tone told them not to try their luck, and Amanda gestured for Carisi to take over assisting the nurses. She and Finn joined the Chief out in the hallway, and as soon as she caught the expression on his face, Amanda’s stomach fell.

“Chief?”

“She’s never going to stop fighting you, not as long as Lewis has her son. You’re both parents, you understand that, right?” Amanda and Finn both nodded hesitantly. “And you understand any of Benson’s attempts to interfere are going to put both her and Noah at risk?” Another round of nods. Olivia’s surrender to Lewis had made sense from a mother’s perspective, but it had almost led to them both being lost.

“Then I need you to go in there and place her under arrest.” Amanda’s jaw fell open, and a glance at Finn told her that his reaction was the same.

“Chief, we can’t do that,” Amanda protested.

“She confessed to brutality and perjury on television. Believe me, you have charges.”

“No, that’s not what we meant.”

“I know she’s your commanding officer, but that’s why you should do this. Do it to protect her from herself. Or…” and his voice got sterner… “Do it because I’m _her_ commanding officer and I told you to.” Amanda started to protest, when Finn, who had remained silent during the conversation, cut her off.

“Chief, are you actually planning to press charges?”

“You know that’s beyond my control. It’s up to the DA. He may drop the charges and he may not.”

“I’m not taking that risk, Chief,” Amanda insisted, crossing her arms over her chest.

“And I’m not asking, Detective.”  Dodds looked her in the eye, but Amanda wasn’t backing down. She squared up to face the Chief, unflinching. When he broke eye contact she thought maybe she had won, when instead he met Finn’s gaze.

“Detective Tutuola, go read the Lieutenant her rights.” To Amanda’s surprise Finn nodded and started towards the hospital room.

“Finn!” She shouted. “Are you kidding me?!”

“He’s right, Rollins. It’s what’s best. If Liv were thinking right it’s what she would do.” He brushed her off, avoiding eye contact, and approached Olivia.

“Olivia Benson, you’re under arrest for aggravated assault in the first degree.”

“F- Finn what’s going on?” Olivia barely seemed lucid, and her eyes darted anxiously from one face to another. He ignored her question.

“You have the right too remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you-“

“Amanda!” Carisi pulled back from trying to hold onto Olivia, confusion written across his face. “What’s he doing?”

“He’s arresting Liv.” Amanda stumbled for words but understanding spread against Carisi’s face.

“To keep her contained. To protect her.”

“Don’t tell me you agree with them.” Carisi stumbled over his words to explain, but Amanda had stopped listening, and started pushing past the others towards the bed. She shoved her way between Finn and Olivia.

“Don’t- don’t do this,” She all but pleaded, her voice barely above a whisper. From his expression Finn was telling her the same thing.

“Detective Rollins,” warned Dodds, “get out of the way.” Amanda shook her head defiantly.

“No, no I won’t.” Dodds sighed.

“Very well. Detective Carisi?” Sonny hesitated just a second, before moving forward. His hands trembled as he pulled out his handcuffs, and Amanda did him the favor of not struggling as he tightened them around her wrists behind her back.

“Amanda Rollins, you are under arrest for obstruction of justice. You have the right…” As he led her away Amanda could see a handcuff being locked around Olivia’s wrist, the other end attached to the bed railing. Confusion, fear, and pain all warred for control of her expression, as she cried out for her son.

 

_Noah had been conscious for several hours when Lewis dragged him into the motel room. He’d been crying for most of that, and it was starting to really piss Lewis off. He threw the kid on the bed, who rolled and landed against a headboard with a thump. Which started him crying again._

_“I want momma.”_

_“Well, you can’t have her,” Lewis shot back, already turning away. Noah’s hands were duct taped behind his back, and so were his ankles. Lewis wasn’t worried about him escaping. There was near silence from over by the bed for almost a minute, until finally Noah spoke again. Quietly he asked._

_“Is Momma gonna be okay?” Lewis turned back, suddenly interested again. He cocked his head to the side, assessing the kid._

_“Noah, do you know what ‘dead’ means?” Noah looked at him for a second, confused. Lewis almost groaned out loud._ God, why were kids so stupid?

_“Kinda. It’s like asleep but forever.” He gasped when the pieces fell into place in his mind. “Is Momma… Is she asleep forever?” Lewis shrugged._

_“No, she’s dead.” Without a word he turned back to his bag, leaving Noah to dissolve into even more violent sobs than before._

_It took hours, way more time than he would like, but eventually Noah cried himself to sleep, and Lewis pulled out the phone he had stolen from the truck stop attendant. He’d been keeping it turned off, worried about it being traced. But now he held the red power button with determination. There was a call he had to make._

Amanda was sitting in the bullpen, where she had been forced in with everyone picked up over the night for drunkenness or prostitution. It had been hours, and she wasn’t getting any less antsy the more time went by. For the half dozenth time since that morning she approached the bars at the front.

“Come on, you gotta let me out of here.” The uni on duty, a young guy named Jacob Halcomb, gave her an apologetic shrug.

“Sorry, detective Rollins. There’s nothing I can do.” Pushing down her temper, Amanda leaned close to the bars, making sure to bat her eye lashes. When she spoke her voice was honey sweet.

“Come on, can’t you at least let me out to stretch my legs? Maybe an interrogation room.” The officer bit his lip, clearly torn on what to do. Thankfully, he didn’t have to give himself a conniption trying to make a decision because another officer rounded the corner towards them. In her hand she held Amanda’s cellphone.

“This is the third time you’ve gotten a call from an unknown number.” Amanda immediately jumped back into cop mode.

“Come on, give it to me.” The officer hesitated, and Amanda wanted to scream her frustration. “It could be Lewis. Come on, don’t you want to say you helped get the bastard?” The two unis shared a look before nodding.

“Okay,” Halcomb agreed.

“Good, but you gotta let me out of here.” When neither of them moved she forced herself to explain. “We want Lewis to know as little as possible. That means he can’t know I’m locked up. Now you can keep me cuffed, but get me into a conference room, _now._ ” Whether it was her words or the steel in her tone the officers tripped over themselves getting the cell door open and leading her into the nearest empty room. Halford cuffed Amanda’s left wrist, attaching the other end to a railing so that her right hand would be free and the female officer handed her her phone. Amanda allowed herself one steadying breath before clicking the green _answer_ button.

 “Rollins.”

“Amanda.” A chill ran down her spine at the sound of the familiar voice.

“Lewis,” she choked out, almost completely forgetting her surroundings. Only one question echoed in her mind. “Where the hell is Noah?”

“He’s alive,” Lewis reassured. “There’s no rush. I am sorry about Olivia, though.” Amanda felt a flash of white hot rage at the mention of her Lieutenant’s name in Lewis’ mouth. The images of Olivia’s wounds played back in her mind.

“Not as sorry as you’re going to be,” she growled.

“So you’re already mobilized? That’s impressive. I thought that your little band would be pretty laid up without your fearless leader. Speaking of which, is there going to be a service? Somewhere I should send flowers to?”

“A… a service?” It took only a few seconds for the words to connect in Amanda’s mind. He thought that Olivia was dead. Which meant that his entire focus had changed. He wanted something else now. And until she figured out what she was going to play her cards close to the vest. She took a deep breath. “Why are you calling, Lewis? To gloat? What do you want?”

“A way out. I want a clean exit. Get me a plane to somewhere without extradition.”

“After what you’ve done? That’s never going to happen.”

“It will if you want little Noah back safe.” He crooned the words in a way that made Amanda want to throw up. She tried to think. _Okay, buy time. Get something out of him, Rollins. Anything._

“Well, maybe we can work something out. If we can get Noah back safe.” She heard a chuckle on the other end of the line, so dark it sent a shiver down her spine.

“I’m surprised you’re handling this so well, Amanda. Considering that famous temper of yours.” Amanda had to keep her hands from shaking with rage. He thought he knew her? He knew nothing. Instead, she forced her tone to be even when she replied.

“Well, we really want Noah back. So why don’t you tell us where to meet and we’ll make arrangements.”

“No, do you think I’m stupid?” The sudden rage in his tone made Amanda jump. “You think I’m gonna give everything away so swat can come rushing in here? So you can have a sniper take me out?”

“No, that’s not going to happen. We’re not going to risk Noah like that. Come on, Lewis, you know that.” The other end was silent for a minute, Lewis clearly considering. That told Amanda that he wasn’t thinking far ahead, that he was working quickly and sloppily. That could be good for finding him, but it could be dangerous for Noah. Finally, Lewis spoke again.

“Kingston. That’s all you’re getting right now. Go to the river, and I’ll call again. And, sweetheart?” Amanda took a hard gulp before answering.

“Yeah?”

“I want to see you there. With your pretty blue eyes.” _God, I’m gonna retch._

“Yeah, I’ll, I’ll be there.”

“Better be. Unless you want to be responsible for wiping out the last of a family today.” And without another word the line went dead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the drama. Thanks for all your support so far!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know ya'll, I know. It's been 83 years! Let me tell you, writer's block is a bitch. But I think I actually know what I'm doing now, so let's see how this goes.

“This unit, I swear to God,” Chief Dodds muttered under his breath as he stormed through the bullpen and into Olivia’s office. “The whole godamn unit is out of control.” Finn followed behind, letting the door fall shut behind the two of them. As soon as he heard the clock Dodds whirled to face Finn. “I cant let this happen. You understand that, right? We can’t let Lewis get away, again.” Fifteen minutes ago two officers had rushed over to tell him about the phone call Rollins had received, another stone to weigh down an already sinking ship. “And we certainly can’t let Rollins be a part of this operation. Not with their history.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“But?”

            “There has to be a way to take out Lewis and get Noah back safely.”

            “What do you suggest?” Finn thought quick. He knew that this was a test, that Dodds was seeing if he had what it take to call the shots.

            “Have a team go to the location. SWAT, backup, everything. But make it subtle, otherwise he’ll spook. And,” He hesitated just long enough to take a deep breath, “you’ll need Rollins there. Use her as a cooperating witness and keep her under arrest for all it matters. But we gotta let him think he’s having his way.”  Dodds faced away from him, hunched over the desk in frustration. Finally, he nodded and turned.

            “Alright, we’ll try that. But you take the lead.” Finn didn’t like the sound of that, but nodded anyways, thankful that he was being listened to. “Bring Rollins along and make sure she’s kept under control. And, detective?” Dodds was already moving out the door but turned to face Finn once more. “We do not let Lewis escape. No matter what.”

            “Yes, chief.” Finn’s stomach did a flip at the command. He knew what was at stake, what was riding on that one order. _If it comes down to it, let Noah go._ He couldn’t do that. Noah and Liv were as much his family as Ken, Alejandro, and Jaden were. But he had to pretend, for the sake of the job. He had to be able to approach this like a sergeant.

           

**Mercy Hospital**

            Olivia had been drifting in and out of consciousness for the last several hours, barely able to hold on to her senses for more than a few minutes. When she came to again she found Nick Amaro sitting by her bedside. She couldn’t be sure, but he may have been praying.

            “Nick?” Her forehead itched from a cut, but when she tried to reach her right hand up to scratch it, her wrist was jerked back painfully. She looked down to see a handcuff binding her to the bed. “What- what the hell?” Her voice cracked with fear. “What’s going on?”

            “Liv, do you remember?” She shook her head. “The chief, he had you arrested. For your confession.” Olivia hated the tears that pricked at her eyes. She knew this was an option. That didn’t make facing the consequences any easier.

            “Can I- can I see Noah?” Nick froze, and Olivia felt fear take over her. She knew that expression. It was the look he wore when he was about to give a family member bad news. “Nick, what is it?”

            “You don’t remember.”

            “What. Is. It?” Nick sighed deeply before answering.

            “Lewis still has Noah.” Olivia’s response was immediate and jarring. She threw herself forward, crying out in pain when the handcuff jerked her back, and every cut and bruise responded to the sudden movement. She didn’t seem to care.

            “No! No, no, no!” Nick rushed to her side, pressing her as gently as he could back into the bed.

            “Shh… No, we’ll get him back. We’re getting him back.”

            “I need to be out there. I need to find him.”

            “You can’t do that. You don’t understand. He- he nearly killed you, Liv.”

            “And now he has my son,” she growled back. But she had to admit she was getting tired again and pushing back hurt so much. She looked plaintively up at Nick. She hated feeling that frail and helpless. “What would you do, Nick? If it were Gill? Or Zora?” A muscle clenched in his jaw at the thought.

            “I’d kill him.” Olivia opened her mouth but he kept talking. “I’m not saying I don’t get it but let us handle this.”

            “And how are you _handling_ it?” The instincts that made her such a strong leader  were taking over. Nick hesitated before moving closer.

            “Okay, I’m not telling you this, but he called Rollins. We set up a meeting.”

            “Did he say what he wants?” Nick didn’t answer at first.

            “Tell me. What did he ask for?”

            “He… he wants a free pass. A way out.”

            “You can’t do that. You- you can’t give that to him.” A million potential faces flashed in Olivia’s mind, a million future victims. Their faces were contorted in pain, in the pain he was putting them through. She knew, better than most, what he would do if let loose in the world. But the consequences of denying him caught up with her and a new wave of horror washed over her. _Noah._ She couldn’t let anything happen to him. He had already suffered too much because of her.

            “We won’t. We’ll get him back. Rollins is damn good, you know that.” He was right, but that did little to reassure Olivia.

            “You have to let me go. Let me talk to him.”

            “You can’t do that.” He met her gaze, his blue eyes holding her dark ones steady. “Liv, he thinks you’re dead.” That made sense. They both knew that if Lewis knew that she was still out there he wouldn’t be asking for an escape, he’d be demanding her hand delivered to him. Again. She sunk into the hospital bed, the exhaustion threatening to overtake her. She wished he had just killed her and let Noah go home. All she’d ever wanted was for him to be safe, and now they were back where they had been 36 hours ago. Except this time she was helpless to even offer up a sacrifice. “We’re going to get him back,” Nick repeated his earlier promise, but to Olivia it sounded hollow. How could they guarantee that? Her son was going to die and she was lying there, handcuffed to a bed. Lewis had assaulted her. He had tortured her. He had forced her to hurt herself and forced her to her knees and somehow none of that was worse than what he was doing to her now. She was a woman of action forced into helplessness and that alone made her wish she _were_ dead.

            Nick reached over to give her hand one last squeeze, but Olivia jerked it away. _Hands grabbing at her, pinching her, burning and scratching her._ She couldn’t let anyone touch her. not when his fingers still felt present. Realizing what was happening he gave a last sympathetic smile before leaving. Olivia didn’t watch him go, instead staring at the wall.

 

           

**Kingston Point Beach**

**Kingston, NY 3:47PM**

Amanda stood on a beach, looking at the Hudson River for the second time since all of this had begun. Except this time everything had changed. This time Noah’s safety rested on how well she could lie to a psychopath. Because one thing was for sure: there was no way that the NYPD, the feds, or anyone else was letting Lewis leave the country. It was a good thing she had experience. She was staring at her feet, kicking one of the thousands of old, broken bricks strewn across the shore, when her phone rang. She waved down the nearest tech.

            “Hey, it’s him!” Within seconds a team surrounded her, Find at one elbow, a tech on the other.

            “Go ahead and pick up,” Finn instructed, not like Amanda had to be told twice. She was already holding the phone to her ear.

            “Lewis.”

            “Hello again.”

            “I’m here, just like you said.”

            “I can see that. And you brought some friends.” For a brief moment panic flashed through Amanda. Maybe everyone else should have stayed hidden. Maybe Lewis would punish Noah. The chuckle on the other end did little to put her at ease. “Don’t worry, Amanda. I don’t mind. Just don’t let them spread out too far. I want to stay hidden for now.” Amanda nodded. If that was what it took to keep the situation from escalating, fine. She could wait.

            “Yeah, we can do that. Now, how about we get this taken care of, Lewis? You want a one-way ticket out of the country? We can do that. I’ll take you to the airport myself, if you let Noah go first.”

            “Let Noah go, let Noah go, _let Noah go,_ ” he parroted back at her, mocking. “That’s all anyone over there cares about, is it? Don’t you think about anything else? Or are you really ready to die for him. Just like Olivia? Are you desperate to be her or something? Got some sort of sick fascination, just like me, don’t ya?”

            “He’s her son,” she managed through gritted  teeth. “Just give him back, you son of a bitch.” He let out a low whistle.

            “Ooh, I struck a nerve there. Too much overtime at the office, taking orders, just the two of you and those closed off interrogation rooms. So close and so far. And now so far forever.” He paused and Amanda had to stop herself from snapping again. Another outburst and Finn might just take the phone from her. When he realized he wasn’t going to get another reaction from her Lewis spoke again. This time his tone was practical, disinterested. “Fine. Meet me at Raul’s. 11pm. And, Amanda, no tricks. You better come with whatever paper’s you need to get me out of the country tonight. Cause if I sense this is a trap you _will_ lose the last connection to Olivia you have. I promise you.”

            “Yeah, I understand. I’ll be there.” The line went dead and Amanda relayed the conversation to everyone waiting. At least the parts that were important. They weren’t able to get a trace, but it didn’t matter. They couldn’t risk a blunt attack when he had Noah. They’d have to just go tonight, and hope for that one window of opportunity.

 

 

_Lewis sat on a bench at Kingston Point Park, watching the officers through a pair of binoculars. Noah tugged at his sleeve and he let out a labored sigh._

_“What is it now?”_

_“I gotta go potty,” the little boy whimpered. He crossed his legs, his face screwed up in concentration, and Lewis knew he had to have been holding it for a while. Probably too afraid to say anything. Good._

_“Nothing’s stopping you,” he replied indifferently._

_“Pleeeease. I need to go potty.” He was on the verge of tears now, and Lewis didn’t want a scene. He groaned._

_“Fine. Let’s go find one.” Before he stood up he took one last look through the binoculars, focusing the lenses on Amanda. Her blond ponytail kicked in the wind as she talked to her coworkers, and she impatiently brushed a lock away from her eyes. She thought, they all thought, that all he wanted was to get away._ Gullible, _he thought._ Stupid and gullible. _Speaking of which… Noah was tugging on his arm again and Lewis put down the binoculars once more before leading him away from the bench to find a public bathroom._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that was pretty short, but it was an update, so I guess take what you can get? Or come bug the snot out of me for more updates, your choice. As always, ya'll are amazing and your feedback has really helped me to keep this going!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, look at that. I actually got a chapter up in a decent time period. Enjoy!

**Raul’s Bar and Grill, Kingston NY**

**11 PM**

            The usually packed restaurant was empty. The lights were bright instead of dimmed, revealing every sticky drink spot or piece of gum from the night before. And by the bar, wound tight as a spring, was Amanda Rollins.

“We’re in position, already to go.” Finn’s voice in her earpiece helped ground her, and she took a deep breath

“I’m all set here.”

“You’ve got this, Rollins.” She nodded, knowing they were watching through hidden cameras.

“I know.” That was a lie. All she wanted was to be in a casino. Drink in hand, leaning over a table, someone beautiful blowing on her dice for good luck. But they had to think that she could handle this. Noah and Olivia were counting on her ability to keep it together. She thought of just hours ago, sitting with Carisi and Finn in the tactical team’s van. They were going over the plan for what felt like the hundredth time and Amanda’s nervousness was starting to make her snappish.

“I know the plan. I get him talking, move him around, line him up with a window.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “Don’t let him shoot Noah.” Finn nodded, but his expression betrayed his worry. He had been her partner to know when she was on the edge, and they couldn’t afford to have her crack under the pressure.

“Uhuh. Right.” His phone rang and he checked the number before standing up. “I gotta take this. Carisi, stay with her.”

As soon as Finn was gone Amanda felt a new wave of jittery anxiety overtake her, rushing across her skin like electricity. She began playing with her hair with the hand that wasn’t cuffed to the van railing. She wrapped one golden lock around her finger. _Twist._ When it started turning purple she let it unravel. _Untwist._ She did it again. _Twist._ This time she held it longer. Her finger was starting to ache, but the pain grounded her. She was just considering releasing the knot when someone grabbed her hand.

“Stop that.” Carisi. She’d almost forgotten he was there, she was so focused on not letting herself split apart.

“I… I was just…” She’d stumbled over her words, not looking him in the eye.

“I know what you were doing.” His tone commanded her to meet his gaze and she could see there that he did know. It wasn’t much, just a temporary relief around one finger. But he could see the true depth. Hold your hand a second too long against a candle’s flame. Press a pin to your fingertips. Dig your own nails into your wrists. Nothing that would leave scars, but Amanda could tell. He knew. Intimately.

“I’m okay.” She promised, not sure how much it mattered if she wasn’t. There was too much at stake. Sonny didn’t look like he believed her. Still gripping the hand he’d freed from her hair, he’d started to speak.

“Amanda-“ Before he could continue Finn entered the room again.

“Good news, Rollins. DA’s not pressing charges on you.” She nodded. It wasn’t much, but it was one less thing for her to worry about.

“Thanks, Finn.”

“Yeah, no problem.” He checked his watch. “It’s time for you to get out there. You sure you got this?” She looked both him and Sonny in the eyes. She wasn’t sure, not nearly as much as she would like to be. But for the first time in her life she had a family she could rely on. And she was not about to let Lewis take that away from her. She nodded with a manufactured courage.

“Yeah. Let’s do this.”

Now as she stood at the bar she felt the courage slowly start to eek out of her with each passing minute. _Where was he?_ At five after he finally showed. He entered through the front door, swaggering, like he hadn’t a care in the world. Like they were old friends meeting for drinks. Amanda tightened her hands into fists at her sides to keep them from shaking, a task that became even more challenging when she saw Noah, being dragged roughly along by his arm.

“Sorry I’m late. Junior here is basically dead weight.” When he saw her, Noah’s face lit up.

“Auntie Manda!” He started to run towards her, but Lewis’ grip was firm, and he jerked back with a painful cry.

“Not yet, kiddo,” Lewis growled. “ _Auntie Manda_ and I gotta talk first.” Noah whimpered but didn’t try to run towards him again. It took all of Amanda’s self-control not to dash across the room towards him. _Remember the plan,_ she told herself. There was a window maybe two feet to his left. She just had to get him to move.

“Okay, Lewis. I’ll come with you. Why don’t you let Noah go, and I’ll come over there?”

“So you can take me down as soon as he’s over there? Nah. You’re both gonna start walking at the same time.” Amanda tried too think. If she did this right…

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

 

**Mercy Hospital**

            Olivia lay in her bed, staring at the blank white wall across the room. Besides the concern of arrest or the terror she felt for her son or the pain from her wounds, something was bothering her. There was a whisper at the back of her mind, something she just couldn’t shake, but she couldn’t hear it. But she knew something wasn’t right. She tried to think of everything she knew of Lewis, every moment they’d spent together. The lighthouse. The courtroom. And before that, the beach house. There was something that had happened in the beach house. She forced herself to relive those trying hours, desperate to know what her subconscious was trying to tell her. Did it have to do with the maid or her daughter? A five-year-old? No, that was nothing. Was it the story he told about his dad and the baby sitter? No, that was bullshit. Then what? Then she remembered. _Standing over him, the gun in her hand. She could still see specks of her saliva on the barrel. And him, hunched on the bedpost. She wanted him to beg for his life. Wanted him to tell her why he needed to live, so that she could deny him. But instead what he said was ‘Come on. Do it. Shoot me.’_ Olivia snapped back to the present. She knew what was wrong. It was never about survival for him, not after he met her. He didn’t want to live, he wanted to make her suffer. And if he thought she was dead he wouldn’t stop until everyone around her suffered, too. A nurse came in. She was different than the one that had been helping her before, petite and blonde. Olivia hardly noticed.

            “Get Chief Dodds! Get Sergeant Tutuola! Get anyone you can, now.” The nurse looked confused, but Olivia felt panic rising in her throat. The voice that had been whispering was now screaming, and Olivia gave it life. “Now! It’s a trap!”

 

**Raul’s Bar and Grill**

            Amanda started across the floor by taking a small step to her right. Not enough for Lewis to grow suspicious, hopefully, but enough for him to adjust to the left to compensate. As soon as she started moving he let Noah’s arm drop. He used both hands to train the gun on Amanda. Fine, anything to protect Noah.

            “Now, Noah, you move slow you hear? You move real slow and careful or I’ll shoot your auntie here.” Noah nodded, and, with more self-control than could be expected of a five-year-old, started taking slow steps backwards, towards the door he and Lewis had just entered through. Amanda took another step to the right. One forward, one to the right. Keep him adjusting. Don’t make him suspicious. She was so focused on what she was doing, on lining it u just right and making sure he didn’t notice, that she missed the slow smile spreading across Lewis’ face. “You know, Rollins. You’re clever. I’ll give you that. A little more luck and your plans might have worked.” She froze. “Yeah, I know. Hidden snipers, get me in front of a window. Cops, you’re all predictable. Still, it might have worked. If I weren’t already ahead of you.”

            “Lewis,” she replied slowly, feeling icy fear creep into her veins. He knew. This had been a setup. But what could he be planning? And then the other shoe dropped. A _thud_ echoed through the otherwise quiet room and Amanda looked past Lewis to see Noah, collapsed on the floor. She started to run to him, all conscious thought lost, but something grabbed her and jerked her back. She whipped her head around and was confronted by Lewis’ wicked grin.

            “Don’t worry. He’s alive. We just had a little snack before coming, milk shakes. And I may have laced some extra Benadryl in the little guy’s, just to keep him here with us.

            “No,” Amanda’s response was somewhere between a growl and a hiss, more animal than human speech. Lewis was unfazed.

            “Yes. And if you don’t want me to shoot him right here and now you’re going to walk out of this place with me and keep them from gunning us down. Understood?” Amanda’s eyes flew around the room, desperately searching for a way out. But the gun was press into her temple, distracting her. And Noah, God she had no doubt he would kill Noah.

            “Okay, yeah. Fine.” He gave her a shove and she started walking towards the door. The window, her hope at getting him taken out, shrunk behind them. As they passed Noah Lewis gestured to him with his gun.

            “Pick him up.”

            “What? No. I’ll be your shield, just leave him.”

            “Hey,” he answered roughly, giving her a shake. “Don’t do that. You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

            “Yeah, okay.”

            “Now pick him up.” She didn’t want to, just wanted to leave that child on the floor where at least he might be safe. But she also knew that I tested Lewis wouldn’t hesitate to shoot both of them. So she did as she was told, picking up Noah and carrying him the same way she had when he was an infant, over her shoulder, one hand on his back for support. It felt safe, and so _so_ wrong. He gestured with the gun and she started moving again. She opened the door and led the way for the three of them out into the night. She couldn’t see ESU, but she knew they were there.

            “Tell your guys to stand down, sweetheart” Lewis hissed in her ear the gun pressed against her back.

            “Hey, guys?” She called out. “Ya’ll need to not shoot, okay? He’s got a gun on me and I’ve got Noah. We’re not hurt, but don’t shoot.” She didn’t see or hear anything, but no bullets came flying towards them, either, so they must have listened. She led Lewis to the van that had been waiting down the block. It was supposed to have been for show, to convince Lewis that there was an escape plan. Apparently, he had worked that out on his own. She set Noah, still sleeping, in the back seat and fastened the buckle. Then followed Lewis’ instructions to take the driver’s seat. “Where are we going?”

            “Forward,” was his blunt response. When he turned to her his voice softened to a sickly sweet tone and he reached out to brush some hair that had fallen across her face. She fought the urge to reach out and slap him away. “Don’t worry. I’ll tell you what to do.” Amanda’s stomach clenched. That was exactly what she was afraid of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are heating up! I think I'm taking things in a good decision, but please let me know what you think of the excitement going on here! And thanks for reading!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised myself I'd have this up today, so here you go. I typed it on two drinks and no food, so I hope you enjoy!

“Hey, Barba!” Rafael, rushing up the steps of the hospital, turned in surprise. The voice belonged to Tess McLaughlin, the reporter he had first leaked Olivia’s confession to. Rafael had to bite back his frustration. He did not have time for handling the press right now.

“What do you want, Tess?”

“You never gave me a follow-up to the story about that cop. I’ve left you messages.”

“Yeah, I’ve been busy.”

“You should have told me he escaped from prison, the man she beat. You should have told me that he took her.” Rafael had started walking again but paused when he heard what she was saying. When he turned back to face him Tess grinned, smug to finally have his attention.

“How do you know all that? Nobody’s released that information yet.”

“I have sources all over this city. And I’ve done my homework.”

“What else do you know?”

“Plenty. And if you want your side heard you’ll give me a statement.” Rafael pinched the bridge of his nose, exasperation sinking into his bones.

“We’ll give you a statement when there’s more to know. In the meantime, keep this out of the press.” Tess just shrugged.

“Can’t stop the free press, Barba,” she replied with a smile that barely masked a vicious hunger.

“Free press my ass,” he muttered as he turned back to the hospital. “Can’t stop the vultures, more like.”

 

 

Amanda had been driving for what felt like hours but according to the dashboard clock was only forty minutes. Never once had Lewis’ gun waivered. And never once had he stopped talking. At first, he’d talked about Olivia, about the details of what had happened in that lighthouse. He repeated every scar, every burn mark. And they all played back in Amanda’s mind from when she had visited Olivia in the hospital. She drove in silence, refusing to let him see her fear and anger except in the way that her white knuckles gripped the steering wheel she thought it might break. She thanked her lucky stars that at least Noah was asleep and couldn’t hear what he was saying.

“Damn, Amanda,” He muttered, as much to himself as her. “You shoulda seen it. And when I had her, fuck, she was good. Bent over backwards, bent every which way really.” That was the part that almost broke Amanda’s silence. She wanted to scream at Lewis that she knew that wasn’t true. They had done a rape kit and he had never done the things he was describing. But she couldn’t say so without admitting that Olivia was alive. So she looked ahead at the road, forcing the words like acid back down her throat. When he saw that his retellings weren’t getting the desired response Lewis tried a new tack. “You seem really calm about all this. You know that’s what’s going to happen to you, right? You must have figured that out by now, but you’re not even flinching. That’s got me thinking,” he leaned forward in the seat until his face was inches from hers. She refused to let her eyes leave the road. “Maybe you’ve been here before. Maybe someone else did you like that, too.”

“You don’t know anything,” Amanda snapped, regretting the words as soon as they left her mouth.

“She speaks!” Lewis exclaimed with false delight. “I was beginning to think this would be no fun. I’m right, though, aren’t I? I always know. Was it a boyfriend? A perp? Some guy on the street? Did he throw you up against a wall and pin you down? Pull your pants down while you begged him to please, _please_ not do this?” _Back in that hotel room, Patton on top of her. While she cried and laid there and prayed for it to be over. He held her wrists above her head. The blanket was cheap and coarse and left a rash on her skin. She couldn’t breathe, much less scream. And feeling him on her and in her, saturating every pore of her body._ The van swerved violently, and Amada jerked the wheel to correct it. Lewis grinned, sitting back. “I knew it.”

“Go to hell,” she choked out.

“Fine, don’t tell me the details. I’ll find out on my own soon enough.” He checked their surroundings out the window, his demeanor switching. “We gotta ditch the van. I’m sure your colleagues are tracking it fifty ways to Sunday.” Up ahead of them a van was pulled over on the side of the highway, its hazard lights blinking. “Perfect,” he commented. “Pull over up there.”

“No,” Amanda choked out. “It’s a minivan. There’s probably a family. We can find something else. Don’t do this. Please.” He waved the gun inches from her face, making a _tsk tsk tsk_ ing sound.

“Now, that was some real nice begging right there. But you can save that for later. Right now you’re gonna pull over this van or I’m gonna do something real regrettable to little Noah.” For a second, Amanda actually considered still driving. She tried to weigh it in her head, hers and Noah’s safety against that of whoever was in that van. But in the end, she knew she couldn’t do that. She may be a detective and a survivor and a million other things, but she wasn’t a hero. She just wanted Noah to be safe, and she wanted to make it home to see her daughter. So she did as she was told and pulled the van over to the side of the road, right behind the other vehicle. “Good choice, detective. Now, you’re gonna come with me. And you’re gonna go along with whatever I say. Or you, Noah, and whoever’s in that van is dead. You hear?” Amanda nodded, but apparently that wasn’t enough because he gestured angrily with the gun.

“Yeah, I understand.”

“Good. Now let’s go.” As soon as they stepped out of the car Lewis grabbed her by the arm, pulling them side by side. He dug  the gun into her back, hissing into her ear a reminder to behave. When they got close enough to be seen Lewis’ whole demeanor changed. A friendly grin spread across his face, and he waved to the middle-aged man standing outside the van. “Hey there!”

“Hi,” The man answered tersely. When he noticed Amanda his demeanor relaxed considerably. A man on the side of the road was a threat. A man with a woman on the side of the road was salvation.

“My wife and I were just driving by and we saw you pulled over. Figured maybe you could use some help.”

“Thanks, man. But we're just stretching our legs. Came all the way from Virginia. Thanks for stopping, though.”

“Yeah, sure thing.” Hardly had Lewis finished speaking when he pulled the gun out in front of himself. The other man automatically raised his hands above his head.

“Hey, there. We’re not looking for trouble.”

“Good. Then this should be easy. Give me your wallet. Sweetheart,” he addressed Amanda, who did her best not to jump. “Go open the doors, get everyone loaded out.”

“No!” The man started to lunge towards the van but stopped when Lewis cocked the pistol. “Don’t hurt them.”

“Amanda, get them out of the van,” Lewis said, ignoring the man. Hating herself for it, Amanda did as she was told, sliding open the side door. Inside were two kids, no older than eleven, and a woman in the passenger’s seat. They all looked terrified.

“Come on, guys. You’ve got to get out.”

“We- we don’t have anything,” the woman stuttered. “Do you want my purse?”

“I don’t want anything from you,” Amanda admitted. “But he’s wound pretty tight out there. So if you want to stay safe, want to keep your kids safe, you need to get out now.” The woman nodded, quickly opening her door. An idea occured to Amanda. She hurried around the van to where the woman was opening the side door. "Give me your phone," she whispered. The woman didnt even quesiton it, just handed it over. Amanda tucked it into her back pocket and helped pull the kids out. “Okay, she told Lewis. That’s all of them. Come on, let’s go.” Lewis looked pissed that she was trying to tell him what to do, but even he knew time was of the essence.

“Okay, all of you,” He gestured to the family, “Get over there.” They moved to where he indicated, by the police van they were leaving behind. “You,” he said to Rollins, “Get the kid.” She hurried to obey, grabbing Noah from the back seat. “Okay, here’s the keys for that van,” Lewis held them up in front. For a second it looked like he was going to just give them to the man. But with a quick gesture he flung them out, across the field on the side of the road. Amanda tried to trace their trajectory with their eyes but quickly lost track in the night. “Anyways, you folks have a good night. You hear?” And with that Amanda loaded Noah into the van and took the driver’s seat. She briefly considered taking off right then, but there was no telling what Lewis would do if left alone with that family. And a second later he was taking the other seat. “Go ahead and drive.”

When the family had faded from their rearview mirror Amanda let out a breath she wasn’t aware she’d been holding.

“Well done, sweetheart,” Lewis crooned. He reached out, placing a hand firmly on her thigh. Amanda didn’t even bother trying to shake it off. In a way she thought, she deserved whatever he might do to her for allowing him anywhere near those innocents.

 

 

Outside Olivia’s hospital room, Nick, Elliot, and Rafael gathered in a tense circle. Nick paced slightly, talking into his cell phone.

“Yeah, I understand. Yeah, okay. I- I understand.” He hung up the phone, then turned to the other two men, who were waiting impatiently.

“She was right. It was a trap all along. Now he’s got Rollins _and_ Noah. They’re going to try to track the van but… we all know he’s smarter than that.” The other two nodded.

“Someone’s got to tell her,” Elliot finally said.

“That’s the other thing. They want this under wraps as much as possible. In case Olivia tries anything rash again.”

“She’s handcuffed to a hospital bed,” Barba objected. “Not to mention her injuries. What could they possibly be afraid of?” Nick shrugged.

“I don’t know. But you know Liv. Where there’s a will there’s a way.” Barba nodded.

“Well, I’m going to go take a very important phone call, over there,” he gestured purposefully to the end of the hallway, “where I’ll be out of earshot.” Nick couldn’t help smiling a little, taking his meaning.

            “Thanks, counselor.” As soon as Barba was gone he turned to Elliot. He didn’t trust the guy, didn’t like how he had hurt Olivia. But if there was one person who she could use right now Nick knew it was the man who had been her partner for so long. Honestly, it was that knowledge that stopped him from starting a fight in the middle of the hospital. “So, who’s going to tell her.”

            “I’ll do it,” Elliot volunteered wearily.

            “Are you sure that’s smart? You two have barely spoken since she’s been back.”

            “That’s why I should do it. Liv can’t afford to lose anyone else she cares about. That doesn’t mean me anymore.” He knew it was his own fault, but it still hurt to say it. Nick nodded.

            “Okay. Thanks, man.” Without another word and with a heavy heart Elliot turned to enter the hospital room. Despite what he said he wasn’t sure how he was going to do this. He didn’t know how to give the one person he had once been closest to some of the worst news of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope ya'll loved that. It's been fun switching the hostage situation and trying to figure out how Amanda would react, bringing her own trauma. Either way, please let me know if you liked it or if you have any criticsm. Thanks!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last Chapter was updated as of 8/15. Be sure to check it out or this won't make much sense!

**Indian Head Wilderness, 1am**

Driving wouldn’t be so bad if Lewis would shut up. Amanda thought that was almost the worst part. He seemed to know how to target everything she hated, all of her worse vulnerabilities.

“In a way, I have you to thank for all of this.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Amanda knew she shouldn’t respond, shouldn’t give him the satisfaction, but they had been driving for an hour and a half and she had learned that it didn’t matter if she answered or not. She might as well get to vent her frustrations back.

“I think you do. If you hadn’t insisted on bringing everyone in on that Sunday, if you had just let me go with a warning like I suggested, then I never would have met Olivia. We never would have become so entangled with each other. And what more I think you know it.”

“If I hadn’t you would have gone on to attack someone new. And someone after that.”

“That’s true. But I don’t think that helps you feel better about it. I think you’re still kept up at night with the what ifs. Tell me, Amanda, did she start treating you differently, after?”

“It wasn’t like that,” Amanda insisted. “Liv would never-“

“I know she wouldn’t blame you. Not out loud, at least. But maybe she got a little shorter with you. Maybe she looked away when you entered the room.” Amanda stopped talking, focusing on the road. He was right. Olivia had done her best to keep herself professional. She may not even have noticed she didn’t. But the first day she came back she’d been unable to even look at Amanda. And every time she did after that Amanda could see the question in her eyes: _why?_

A few minutes later Lewis abruptly demanded that Amanda pull over the van. She did so, her stomach churning with dread at the idea that she would no longer have the simple task of driving to distract her. They had long left towns behind and were in the middle of thick woods which spread out for as far as she could tell. She stopped the van on the side of the abandoned road and Lewis commanded her to step out. Outside it was nearly silent. The only sounds were the chirping of insects and the distant calls of different animals. They mingled with the music still coming from the van radio. The trees did an efficient job of blocking the sky, but the patches she could see shone with the clearest stars she had seen in years. The air was cool and clean in a way that New York’s and even Georgia’s had never been. If Amanda hadn’t been terrified she would admit that it was breathtakingly beautiful. _A beautiful place to be raped,_ she thought bitterly.

“Come on,” Lewis muttered, pushing her forward. Amanda hadn’t even realized that she had stopped moving. As she stumbled around the van to the back hatch she tried to think of a way out. But she couldn’t run away without leaving Noah with Lewis. And she couldn’t fight him off and risk him shooting her. So she opened the door to the van. In one of the captain’s seats in the middle, Noah was still sleeping. The space behind the seats was open, except for some baggage. The benches that belonged there were presumably folded into the floor to make for more space. Lewis indicated for her to climb in through the open hatch as he began rummaging in a fluorescent orange bag, muttering to himself. “Emergency roadside kit… gotta be somewhere…” Finally, he straightened up, a wicked grin on his face as he pulled out a handful of zip ties. “Give me your wrists.”

“Go fuck yourself.” The slap came without warning and was hard enough to snap Amanda’s head to one side, knocking it against the inside of the van. She cried out in shock and pain, and immediately glanced towards Noah. Still sleeping, thank God.

“Now let’s try this again.” This time Amanda did as she was told, grudgingly holding out her wrists together. Lewis looped the zip ties around them, then through a metal wring in the floor, potentially meant to hold the seats when they were installed. When he turned back to her, he held a small knife he’d dug from the kit, and a wicked grin spread across his face. “Well, let’s get to it.”

Amanda knew that it would be smart to lie there and take it. She knew that Lewis got off on the struggle. She knew that he would only be emboldened by her fight. She knew that Noah was right there and might be woken up. But that was what she had done during her first rape, just laid there like an already dead body. She couldn’t do that this time, she just couldn’t. So when Lewis started ripping open the buttons on her slacks she squirmed and cried and did her best to kick. But he was on top of her, pinning her legs and torso down. And by the way that he kept moving she knew that he wouldn’t be deterred. As she continued to struggle she squeezed her eyes shut. The radio was loud in her ears. _I’m on the hunt I’m after you._ He had gotten the pants open and was pulling them down. She could barely feel his hands fumbling with her waistband through the haze in her mind. _And I’m hungry like the wolf._ He was paused when something heavy thumped out of her pants. Amanda immediately knew what it was and her blood ran cold. _The phone._ Lewis’ voice held glee as he picked it up. “Nice try, Amanda. But I think I’m going to hold onto this. Who knows how it will come in handy?” And, not to be distracted for long, he was touching her again. _I’m on the hunt I’m-_ Amanda’s eyes jerked open when the music was interrupted by a loud siren from the radio, signaling an emergency announcement. Amanda and Lewis both froze in surprise. An automated voice came in over the radio.

“We interrupt your regular programming to bring you this emergency announcement.”

 

 

**Mercy Hospital**

            Olivia was laying in her bed, staring down at her hands. They were torn and bruised still, but the painkillers kept her from feeling the sting of them. They were just there, a jolting reminder of what her body had just been through. _What Amanda could be going through._ A clamor from the hall caused her to snap her gaze up just in time to see Carisi round the corner. He practically fell over himself as he didn’t bother to slow down before sliding into her room.

            “Turn on the television!” He gasped.

            “What?” Olivia muttered in confusion. But Carisi was already grasping for the remote. After a second of fumbling he managed to get the tv on, and the face of a perky, blonde news anchor filled the television. Olivia thought she vaguely recognized her but couldn’t place the memory. It was what the woman was saying that was compelling, anyways.

            “Since his escape from Bellevue several days ago convicted criminal William Lewis has managed to kidnap two NYPD officers.” Olivia shook her head, as if that could erase what she was seeing.

            “No, no, no. No one’s supposed to know this.”

            “While the identity of the second victim is unknown, we do know that the first officer taken was Lieutenant Olivia Benson of Manhattan SVU.” Olivia’s own face filled the screen, footage of her outside the courtroom steps after testifying against Lewis. “Years ago Lieutenant Benson made news for testifying against Lewis, who kidnapped and allegedly attempted to assault her. While she was held for several hours and sustained serious injuries, Benson is still alive and is expected to make a full recovery in Mercy hospital.” And that was it. The final nail in the coffin. If that information was out there, they all knew it was only a matter of time until Lewis heard it. Olivia felt sick. She reached frantically by her bed until she found a free bowl, just in time to empty her stomach into it.

            When she couldn’t heave any more, Olivia looked up at the television where the woman was speaking again. “I’m Tess McLaughlin, and we’ll keep you updated as this story develops.” And suddenly, Olivia knew where she had seen the woman before. She felt the sickness and fear mingle in her throat as she choked out.

            “That was my nurse.”

 

            Lewis drove the knife into the soft flesh of Amanda’s hand, so sudden and violent she couldn’t hold back her scream.

            “You fucking bitch,” he hissed into her ear. “You lied to me. You told me she was dead.” Amanda couldn’t answer around the pain. When he pulled the knife out she screamed again but he seemed almost not to hear, distracted by a new thought brewing. “You know, Amanda, this actually works out.” He gave her an almost gentle peck on the cheek before abruptly crawling out of the back of the van, slamming the hatch, and going around the front to start the van again. Without another word they were driving.

            After what could have been ten minutes or nearly an hour they approached a small town. The van jostled as it hit a small curb and Lewis brought it to a stop. Amanda couldn’t see out the window, but the flash of neon lights playing across the ceiling of the van told them told her that they were stopped at a gas station. Lewis turned back to her, his expression somehow was both a glower and a smirk. He grabbed the man’s wallet from between the front seats.

            “Now don’t go going anywhere.”

            As soon as he left Amanda started desperately yanking at the zip tie. If only she could get free… she stopped when she heard a noise coming from the front of the van.

            “Auntie Manda?” Amanda’s heart beat faster.

            “Noah!” She whispered as loudly as she dared. “Noah are you okay?”

            “Yeah, I just woke up cause you were screaming. I feel fuzzy.” He still sounded sleepy, but unhurt. _Thank God,_ Amanda thought. And now this could be used to her advantage…

            “I know buddy. But can you come back here? Just unbuckle your seatbelt and come to me?”

            “I can try.” A couple of seconds later Amanda heard shuffling as he got up from his seat and crawled back to her.

            “Good, good job. Now, Lewis took the knife with him. But we need to find something sharp so that I can get these off, okay?” She gestured to the zip ties. Noah nodded and turned to start rummaging in the back of the van. A sliver of moonlight caught something in the back of his pocket, winking back at Amanda. “Noah, what’s that? In your pocket?” Noah paused, before reaching into his back pocket. When he pulled out a pocketknife Amanda thought she might cheer with excitement. Noah’s face lit up.

            “I forgot. Mommy gave this to me.” He paused, as if confused. “The bad guy said that Momma’s dead. Like sleeping.” Amanda had already started hacking at the zip ties but paused to give him a reassuring look.

            “He was wrong. You’re mom was hurt, but she’s going to be okay.” No sooner had she finished talking, than she heard footsteps approaching the van. _Lewis._ “Shit,” she hissed out. The zip ties had been weekend, but they were still binding her to the van. And she barely had time to toss the knife under one of the seats before the hatch of the van was thrown open. Lewis greeted her with a wicked grin. In one hand he held a shopping bag, in which she could make out some matches and a bottle of vodka. In the other he waved the cell phone.

            “What do you say we have some fun?”

                                                                                   

 

The rest of the squad had been in and out of Olivia’s room over the last twenty minutes, demanding to know how the reporter had gotten access and how much she knew. Olivia knew it was useless; the information was out there now and no one could take it back. She had been alone for a few minutes when the landline on her bedside table rang. Olivia hesitated, but slowly picked it up.

“Hello?” The voice on the other end was filled with a mixture of rage and wonder. It immediately filled Olivia with dread.

“So it’s true. Olivia Benson, back from the dead.” Olivia tried to force herself to think past the fear, but she was immediately assaulted by memories. _Stabbing her, burning her. Holding a gun against her spine. Dragging to her knees as he forced himself into her mouth._ She was shaking, then. But she took a deep breath and forced herself to speak.

“Lewis. What do you want?”

“You know what I want.”

“I can’t make that happen. Even if I wanted to, I can’t leave the hospital. It’s impossible.”

“I know, sweetheart,” he crooned. “That doesn’t mean we can’t still have some fun together. Now, as I’m sure you know, I have your son here, and I have your friend Detective Rollins.”

“Let them go,” Olivia interrupted at the mention of them. “Please, just stop. Just let them go.”

“Now, now, let me finish. I’m only going to hurt one of them. And you get to choose which one.”

“What- what do you mean?”

“Come on. Don’t tell me your injuries made you stupid. Give me a name, and that’s the person I’ll hurt. I think I’m going to burn them. I got myself a brand new box of matches.” He softly sang the line. Olivia could barely believe what she was hearing. She knew what he was saying, she knew that Lewis was capable of it, but she couldn’t make it make sense in her brain. So she resorted to something that had always served her well: stubbornness.

“I won’t. I won’t sacrifice someone to you. You got to hurt me as much as you wanted. Don’t take it out on someone else because you weren’t able to finish me off.”

“Come on,” she heard a new voice over the speaker of the phone. _Amanda._ Olivia felt tears building in her throat. Her detective sounded as pissed as Olivia had ever heard her, but beneath the anger and bravado she could tell: she was scared. “We both know what the right answer is. Whatever you’re gonna do, do it to me.”

“Now that’s noble, but I want to hear it from her. Now choose, Olivia. Or I’ll hurt both of them. I’ll start with Noah.”

“Olivia!” Amanda demanded through the phone. “Come on. Just tell him. We both know. It’s… it’s okay.” It wasn’t, but she also knew that Lewis was true to his word. He would hurt both of them. And she would have saved neither of them. She just had to give him a name. Clearing her throat of the tears she nodded, even though she knew he couldn’t see her.

“Okay. Okay. Amanda. Hurt Amanda Ro-“ Before she could finish speaking, a new sound came over the phone. It was the sound a struggle, cursing, and finally, the unmistakable soft _squish_ of a knife being driven into flesh. “Amanda!” Olivia screamed. She could hear running down the hallway towards her room, but she didn’t care. “Amanda, what’s happening!” The other line was quiet for so long Olivia thought they might all somehow be dead. Or too locked in a fight to reply. But after several more seconds Amanda’s voice came though the phone, quiet, but filled with relief.

“Liv, it’s over. He’s dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there we go. Thoughts?


	23. Salvation Rollins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, and sorry it's brief. This is another one of those bridge chapters. Hopefully I'll have an update for you soon.

 

_“Olivia Benson, back from the dead.” Lewis held the phone in front of him, the speaker on. Amanda could guess that it was to make it easier for Olivia to hear whatever Lewis did to them. The thought filled her with a terror she didn’t feel often. She’d felt it when she'd arrived at the hotel to meet Patton: it was the dread that something terrible was going to happen and she wasn’t going to even try to stop it. For a moment that paralyzed her. She desperately tried to force her brain past the trauma and fear to understand what he was saying. “I’ll only hurt one of them.” Oh God. He was going to make Olivia choose. Amanda knew that she couldn’t do that. There was no way that she should even be able to. With Lewis’ attention turned to his call and tormenting Olivia as much as possible Amanda started working at the zip tie that still held her hands to the van. She moved more slowly than she would like, cautious movements that weren’t likely to draw attention. She knew that that should be her focus: breaking her bonds as quickly and as quietly as possible. But she could hear Olivia on the phone call, refusing to choose a victim. Just like Amanda knew that she would. And Lewis was getting impatient. He lit a match, holding it equidistant between her and Noah. He moved it close to her, holding it inches above where her shirt had ridden up to expose the flat of her stomach. Amanda closed her eyes, desperately trying to keep herself from trembling. She could feel the heat, almost touching her. but then it was retracted and he was holding the match just as close to Noah. The child whimpered and tried to pull away, but there was only so much space in the back of that minivan. The light illuminated the terror on his face. Seeing his fear, Amanda couldn’t hold her emotions in anymore._

_“Come on. We both know what the right answer is. Whatever you’re gonna do, do it to me.” For a moment she was worried that her outburst may have drawn Lewis’ scrutiny, that he may notice the way that the ties were close to breaking. But he barely spared her a glance._

_“Now that’s noble, but I want to hear it from her. Now choose, Olivia. Or I’ll hurt both of them. I’ll start with Noah.” His threat- his promise- sent a new jolt of terror through Amanda, and she focused once again on working the ties. Olivia still hadn’t answered, and Lewis was lighting another match, temporarily demanding Amanda’s attention once more. She knew what was coming next, and she needed Olivia to_ hear _her, needed her to say what needed to be said._

 _“Olivia! Come on. Just tell him. We both know. It’s… it’s okay.” Her hands curled into fists with her concentration over the ties that bound her, and her own nails dug into where Lewis had stabbed her earlier. But she ignored the pain._ Get them loose, before he actually does it, _she hissed in her mind._ Come on, Rollins. You’ve got to protect Noah. _There was a pause on the other end of the line, and Lewis was holding the match over Noah. Olivia couldn’t choose. Of course she couldn’t-_

 _“Okay. Okay. Amanda. Hurt Amanda Ro-“ Just as her shock at the reply was about to make Amanda pause, she felt the last of the plastic ties give. Not allowing herself a moment to dwell on what Olivia had said, she sprang forward. The match was immediately knocked from Lewis’ fingertips, where it fell harmlessly to the ground. Lewis had gotten sloppy, he hadn’t doped Amanda up when he’d first taken her. And that meant that they were all but equally matched as they grappled in the back of the van. That is, until Lewis grabbed Amanda’s hand, digging his thumb into the knife wound from earlier. She bit back a cry of pain, but it was enough to give him the upper hand. He pushed her back, and she hit her head on the plastic siding of the vehicle. Then he was on top of her, his hands around her neck. She grasped around her, desperately, as his grip tightened and her vision started to go black. Then her hands grasped around something small and sharp under one of the seats._ The knife. _She drew it upwards, driving it into his shoulder. Shocked and in pain, Lewis drew back. Using the new leverage she had, Amanda pushed herself upwards and shoved the knife into his throat. Lewis started gagging almost immediately, blood running out and around the knife. Within seconds it was over, and he went limp. Amanda gave him one final shove, pushing him off her and over the edge of the van. He fell on the ground outside with a final_ thump. _Amanda struggled to catch her breath. The phone had been carelessly tossed aside and through it she could here Olivia hollering._

_“What’s happening?!” When she was able to respond Amanda picked up the phone. She looked from it, to Lewis’ corpse, to Noah, curled in a corner of the van, and back to the phone._

_“Liv, it’s over. He’s dead.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again that that's brief. But I know ya'll wanted to know what happened.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya, sorry this took so long. Work got insane, and then I took the holiday to see family and friends, and then it got insane again. Hope it makes up for it that this one's a bit longer. Also, for clarification, this is somewhat compliant with S19. So Alex is doing her rescuing of battered women, but Olivia and the rest of the team don't know about it.

**SVU Squad Room, 3 weeks later**

            Olivia Benson stood in her office, breathing in the air. it felt stale after so long sitting empty. And somehow it felt foreign. For almost four years that office had been her space, her sanctuary. It had been her eye in the storm. How many late nights had she spent in that office? How many tears had she shed? She picked up the photo on her desk of Noah. Had it only been a few weeks ago that she had held it and stared at her son lovingly before going to speak to Bethany James? It felt like it had been a lifetime.

           

            _Two days after Lewis had been stabbed, Dodds had visited her in the hospital. From the moment he stood in the doorway of her room, Olivia knew that this wasn’t a get well call._

_“Lieutenant, we need to talk.”_

_“Yeah, I figured. Why don’t you come in?” They stayed in there for nearly two hours. The rest of the squad, gathered outside, had exchanged nervous glances. They knew that whatever was being said, it was going to change all of their futures. Finally, the door had opened again. But only to call Finn in. Amanda, who had been fidgeting with the bandage wrapped around her hand, had shot him a questioning look. He’d shrugged just as confused as she was. When he disappeared into the room, she went back to fidgeting with the bandage, until Carisi had reached over and held her hand still. Her first instinct was to pull away, but instead Amanda gripped tighter, desperate for anything to keep her grounded._

_After a shorter amount of time the door was opened once more and the rest of them were invited in. Despite both Amanda and Carisi’s best attempts, Olivia refused to make eye contact, staring stubbornly down at her hospital blanker. The reaction surprised Amanda more than anything. She’d never seen Olivia look nervous before. Terrified, enraged, sure. But not nervous. It was not a color that sat well on her. After an uncomfortable length of silence, Dodds spoke._

_“The lieutenant and I were discussing and we decided-“ Before he could finish the sentence Olivia cut in._

_“I’m retiring.” There was the briefest of pauses while those two words sank in before the squad burst into a flurry of protests._

_“You can’t!” Carisi argued just as Amanda turned fiercely to Dodds._

_“Did you force her to do this?”_

_“Stand down, Detective,” he warned. Just as it looked like Amanda was about to do something that might get her arrested- again- Olivia cut in again._

_“It was a mutual agreement. It had been time for a while now anyways, and  this way I’ll have more time to spend with Noah. I swear, it’s for the best.” Amanda opened her mouth to protest, glared from Dodds to Olivia and back again, and snapped her mouth back shut before storming out of the room. Tension fell over the remaining squad as Olivia kept talking. “Finn- Sargent Tutuola- is going to take over command of SVU.” Carisi shot a surprised look to Finn, who raised his hands in defense._

_“This wasn’t my idea.”_

_“It wasn’t,” Olivia confirmed. “He just found out, too.” Carisi shrugged._

_“So that’s it, then.” Olivia didn’t meet his gaze._

_“Yeah. I guess it is.”_

_Five days later she was ready to leave the hospital, leaning on Nick for support. They were only steps out the door when she caught sight of a familiar blonde._

_“Alex,” The word was barely a whisper grazing over Olivia’s lips. Besides her, she felt Nick bristle, immediately protective, and Olivia placed a hand on his arm to calm him._

_“Olivia.” Alexandra had faced down the man who had shot her with less trepidation than she was now showing, her expression filled with a fear that Olivia had rarely seen from her. She cleared her throat before continuing. “Um, if it’s okay, Nick, I’ve got it now.” Nick looked to Olivia for direction._

_“Liv?” Olivia knew the nervousness that Alex was feeling and that it came from years left between them. But she couldn’t deny the warmth that had filled her when she’d seen her old friend. No matter what was left she was happy to see Alex. She nodded to Nick._

_“It’s fine. Alex can walk me home.” He didn’t look happy but stepped back nonetheless._

_“I’ll still be in town for a couple of days. If you need anything, you call me.” Olivia nodded._

_“Thank you,” her tone and heavy gaze made it clear that she wasn’t just talking about the most recent offer. “For everything.”_

_“Yeah. Anything. You know that.” And he was gone, leaving her to face Alex._

_The two walked in silence for several minutes, moving at an almost agonizingly slow pace. They were passing a park when Alex gestured to a bench._

_“Do you want to take a break?” Olivia nodded gratefully. As much as she hated to admit it, her body was still feeling the effects of what Lewis had done to her. They sat for a moment, neither of them saying anything. Olivia took a deep breath. She had never thought that she’d take in Manhattan air again, just like she’d never thought that she’d have Alexandra Cabot sitting beside her again._

_“I saw your son. He’s getting so big.”_

_“Yeah. You didn’t come to his christening.”_

_“I know. I was just busy.”_

_“Busy?” A small smile played at the corners of Olivia’s mouth. “How busy can retirement get?”_

_“Oh you know me, Liv. I can always find trouble.” Even though her tone stayed light something in Alex’s eyes said to tread carefully. For once, Olivia did._

_“Not too much trouble, apparently,” she gestured to the thin bronze band around Alex’s ring finger. “Someone really make an honest woman out of you?” A grin lit up Alex’s face, the likes of which Olivia had rarely seen. She’d always been so severe, and sure, that had been beautiful in its own way. But with a smile like that she was transformed into something radiant._

_“Yeah, actually. One guess who.” Olivia only needed one._

_“Casey Novak.” Olivia had only seen them together once, when Alex had testified against the Ghost. But it had been obvious how much having Casey on her side had helped her. Alex had always been courageous to a fault but Liv still wondered if she would have been able to take the stand and face her attempted murderer without someone as skilled as Casey questioning her. And the memory of the two of them made Olivia’s chest constrict with an unexpected pang of jealousy. She pushed the feeling aside. “I’m happy for you, Alex. Really.” At one point Alex had been one of her best friends. She deserved happiness with someone who would make her the priority. At the time that they’d known each other Olivia had only had room in her life for the job. Now she had Noah. They’d both found love after all. She gave Alex’s hand one last squeeze. “I should get home.” Leaning on each other the way they had dozens of times before, they made their way back to Olivia’s apartment._

_She’d hoped her nostalgic moments were behind her, but Olivia knew in her heart there was still one person she had to see. And this reunion would be less joyous than any other. She put it off for three more days before giving in and setting up a time to meet Elliot Stabler for coffee._

_She was seated at a booth in one of their old haunts when he entered, the small bell over the door rubbing against her frayed nerves. Olivia immediately thought that this was a mistake. She hadn’t been sleeping, her body still ached and she could hardly go about her life without feeling exhausted. The last thing she needed was this. Unfortunately, she knew that it was also what she most needed. He barely met her gaze as he sat down in the seat opposite. They sat in an uncomfortable silence for several minutes, her picking at a fingernail, him staring at a space over her shoulder. Finally, she spoke._

_“El.” The old nickname felt heavy, foreign. But she used it anyways. “You left.” She had considered the small talk, pretending like things could still be easy between them. But she was tired of the lies and intrigue. She was getting too old for it._

_“Yeah, I left.” She hadn’t expected him to be so blunt. But she should have. If there was one thing that Elliot had never done it was sugar coat things for her or anyone else. “I could make excuses, but…” he trailed off with a shrug._

_“But it was twelve years together and you left. Without telling me anything. Without saying goodbye. I had to find out that you weren’t coming back from Cragen.” She was feeling her skin heating up, the famous temper getting to her head. “You’re a son of a bitch, you know that?”_

_“Of course I know,” he snapped back. “You think I don’t think about that every day, about how lousy I was for doing that to you?”_

_“Then why?” They were practically screaming now, two decorated officers duking it out for any coffee drinker in Manhattan to see. But Olivia didn’t care. This storm had been brewing for seven years, and it was time for it to break._

            _“You know why.” She wasn’t going to let him off that easily. For all the pain he had put her through she was going to make him say it._

_“Why?”_

_“Because I loved you! Fine, are you happy, Olivia? I spent a decade loving you!” He let his head fall into his hands, breathing heavily. When he looked up at her again his voice was lower. “And what’s more I think you loved me, too. And I could live with it, with just letting it be that. But then they told me it was time to retire and I knew that I couldn’t keep loving my family with one foot in your life.” He was right. Of course he was right. It didn’t make her feel better, but it did make her sympathetic._

_“You could have said goodbye.”_

_“You’re right,” he conceded. “And, Liv, I am sorry for that.” She looked down at her hands. Across the table from his, they looked almost as wrinkled. When they had worked together he had seemed so much older than her. It had been part of the attraction, she knew. Her therapist could have fun with that if she let him, she was sure. But now she was older, too. She had worked hard and excelled and made it further than either of them had dreamed possible. And she had the scars and the wrinkles to show it. She forced herself to meet his gaze since the first time since the meeting had begun. And she was surprised to find that when she did so she wasn’t filled with the familiar longing, the bitter sweet thrill. All she saw in his gaze was a place that had been home. They weren’t star crossed anymore, weren’t pining. They were old friends who deserved a fresh start. Finally, she forced herself to speak again._

_“I understand. Believe me. But time makes it easier, right? So let’s try again. Let me see Cathy, the kids. Are you a grandfather yet?” He nodded._

_“Kathleen had a son. Oliver.” Tears pricked at the corners of Olivia’s eyes, but instead of wiping them away she nodded and smiled._

_“Good. I’d love to meet him.”_

            The sound of someone clearing their throat made Olivia jump so suddenly she dropped the photo of Noah. The glass hit her desk and a spider’s web of cracks spread from the corner nearest Noah’s face. Righting it frantically she turned to see Barba standing in the doorway.

            “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I didn’t think-“ Of course, the people in her life weren’t used to her trauma and how it had changed her yet. They didn’t live with the ghosts; how could they be expected to prepare for them? She did her best to shrug lightly.

            “It’s fine. I needed a nicer frame for that photo anyways.”

            “You’re really leaving then? And this is what you want?” Olivia shrugged.

“It was the best choice. I get heal now, get to stay out of jail, get to keep my pension. Honestly, it’s more than I could expect.” He looked like he wanted to protest but didn’t. They both knew what he was thinking as a prosecutor- someone confessing to a violent crime, then to lying about it, then running away to face the ‘victim’ of the crime? If she were a perp he would have nailed her to the wall. This offer from Dodds was a kindness. Barba didn’t have to like it.

“Still, the great Olivia Benson finishing her story?” Olivia shook her head.

“No, just this chapter. I’ve still got plenty left to tell. And so does this place. And so do you.”

            “Won’t be the same story without you.” She stood next to Rafael in the doorway, looking out into the squad room, now empty for the night.

            “Almost twenty years here and you know what I’ve learned? Nothing ever stays the same.” She leaned forward until they were inches apart, then more, until her forehead rested against his shoulder. It was the most contact she’d had with any man since her attack, but the revulsion in her gut was so much less than the comforting presence of her friend. After a brief moment she pulled back again. “Thank you, Rafa. On behalf of the victims, protect them.” He nodded.

            “On my life I swear.”

            “Good. Then let’s get out of here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this one was more emotion than action. Heads up that that's going to be the case pretty much from here on out. Don't worry, though, there were still be plenty of exciting things happening!


	25. Survivors' Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an announcement to make. This is going to be the final chapter of No Surrender. I know this is kind of sudden, but as I thought about how the story reads, I've decided it feels right to bring it to a close. That being said, I will start working shortly here on a sequel piece that will be set in the same sort of timeline and I should have it up in the next couple of weeks to a month. Your support has meant the world and I hope you enjoy this last chapter.

**One Month Later**

**Apt of Olivia Benson, 1:17AM**

            _She’s in the lighthouse again. It’s night, and through the dark she can barely see the silhouette of the worn-down staircase, the doorway, the rubble, everything just as it was. Over the sound of waves breaking and birds screeching she can make out a cry. It’s one she would recognize anywhere and her heart begins to pound._

 _“Noah! Noah, where are you?” There’s no reply, just the continued cries of pain and fear. She rushes up the stairs. At first she trips, but she doesn’t slow down. It doesn’t matter if she falls, she needs to get to him. When she finally reaches the top of the staircase she’s back in that room. She almost falls over because suddenly she feels like she’s on fire again, and everything around her smells of burning flesh and hair. She can barely breathe around the stench. In the center of the room stands_ him. _William Lewis._ _Blood streams from a gaping wound in his neck, down his chest. But a manic grin lights his face nonetheless. And at his feet lies her worst horror: a small body, crumpled and broken, empty eyes staring at the ceiling. Her son. Without another thought she throws herself at the Beast._

            Olivia jolted awake with a start. She couldn’t remember falling asleep, if she could even call it that. The first thing she did was glance at Noah, sleeping soundly in his bed. _Safe. He’s safe._ Reminding herself only helped so much. From the other room her cell phone rang again. So that was what had woken her up. Olivia hurried into the living room and grabbed it from the coffee table, determined to keep the sound from waking Noah up. As she lifted the phone to her ear she checked the caller id. _Amanda._ Olivia’s stomach churned with dread. They had barely spoken since… if she was calling it had to be important.

            “Amanda.” Olivia tried to the concern out of her voice when she answered but knew that she failed miserably. “What’s going-“ She cut off when she heard the sobs through the other end of the phone. “Amanda, what’s happening? Are you safe?”

            “Liv, there- there was a man.” The words themselves didn’t mean much, but the tone was one that Olivia recognized immediately and her concern transformed into terror in a heartbeat. _This couldn’t be happening. Not again. And not so quickly._

            “Is he there with you now?”

            “No. No, he left.”

            “Okay, stay there, don’t touch anything.” Twenty years of instincts were kicking in, disregarding the fear. How many times had she given those same instructions to a victim? “I’m calling the squad.”

            “No, don’t!” Amanda’s tone was startling in its urgency.

            “Amanda, I have to-“

            “Just get over here. Please.” Olivia considered arguing further but swallowed her protests. She could always call the others in later. Right then she was needed.

            “Yeah. I’ll be there soon.” Not waiting for anything else she hung up.

 

            Twenty minutes later she arrived at Amanda’s apartment, a groggy Noah in her arms. She was just raising her fist to knock on the door when it swung open. Amanda stood in the doorway in a state that Olivia hadn’t seen her in before. Her hair was disheveled, and her eyes were red and puffy from crying. She grasped a robe around her so tightly her knuckles turned white.

            “Amanda…” Before Olivia could say another word, Amanda ushered her into the apartment. “What happened?”

            “We met at a bar. I… I shouldn’t have drunk that much.” Olivia laid Noah down on the couch, then ushered Amanda over to an armchair.

            “No, no, this isn’t your fault. Just tell me what happened.” She crouched down to make eye contact, which Amanda diligently avoided. “Where’s Jesse?”

            “At the sitter’s. I needed a night to myself. We were flirting and he was so charming. I should have known. _I should have known.”_ Olivia gestured with her head to Amanda’s bedroom.

            “Is that the crime scene?” Then Amanda _did_ meet Olivia’s gaze. Her blue eyes were wide, confused.

            “Crime scene? No. There’s no crime scene.” That caused Olivia to pause.

            “There’s no crime scene? Then what happened?”

            “He was real cute. We were getting along so well. Then we came back here. I just wanted to be normal. I just wanted to know that I was okay. And it _was_ okay. But then we shifted, and he was on top of me. And suddenly I couldn’t breathe. And I was back in the back of that van. He was so heavy. I started screaming and hittin’ and kickin’ at him. He…he just left.” On the last word Amanda burst into tears again, falling forward until she was leaning into Olivia’s kneeling form. Not hesitating, Olivia wrapped her arms around her, holding tight until the sobs slowed, then abated. After what seemed like forever Amanda pulled away. After another moment Olivia stood slowly. When Amanda didn’t try to pull her back down she took a step back.

            “I’ll be right back.” In the kitchen she found a couple of packets of hot coco mix, left over from the last time Noah and Jesse had had a play date. She quickly made them into two mugs and handed one over to Amanda before sitting in a different chair. They sat in silence for several minutes. When Amanda spoke next it was just above a whisper.

            “I was finally doing good. For the first time in… in my life. Then he took that from me.” A pain of guilt stirred in Olivia’s chest. _Then_ I _took that from you._ She remembered the first time she had talked to Amanda alone after the attack.

 

_It had been in the morgue, over Lewis’ dead body. Olivia had asked Melinda to hold it just long enough for her to go see it. She knew it was an odd request but she needed to see him like that. She needed to know that this time her dragon had truly been slain. She hadn’t been expecting to run into Amanda there, but knew she shouldn’t have been surprised. Of course she would have the same thought. As much as Olivia had never wanted to admit it, they were so much alike. They had stood in silence for several minutes, the body between them on the drawer, waiting to be rolled into a vault. Olivia had traced every line of his skin, every scar, with her eyes. She could remember each one she had given him, how it had felt to deliver the blows. There were other marks, too, and she wondered who had done that, if she was lucky to be standing somewhere, too. Finally, Olivia had peeled her gaze away to meet Amanda’s own bright blue stare._

_“I’m sorry.” The word came out as barely a whisper, but it felt like a shout in the silent room._

_“What?” Amanda had looked genuinely confused. Olivia couldn’t blame her. She hadn’t been expecting to say it herself. But as soon as she had she knew that the words had been heavy in her chest since that night. “For what?” When Olivia didn’t respond right away Amanda had quickly caught her meaning._

_“No, that wasn’t your fault. You did what you had to do.”_

_“I told him to hurt you. I- it was my job to protect my squad and I told that fucker to hurt you.”_

_“Don’t blame yourself. Whatever he was going to do was on him. Not you. If it was different and it was you or Jesse, I would have done the same thing.” Olivia had no doubt she was telling the truth. That didn’t make it an easier pill to swallow. When Amanda spoke again, her voice was tinted with a barely concealed edge. “Besides, now we’re even.” That had caused Olivia to look up from the corpse she had let her gaze fall back to, shooting Amanda  a confused look._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“You know. From the first time Lewis took you. It was my fault for brining you all in. That’s the only reason he got you. It’s okay now. We’re even.”_

_“No, I didn’t blame you. You protected civilians. You did the job.” Amanda had nodded._

_“Yeah. So did you.”_

 

            Now Olivia knew, as she watched Amanda cradle her mug of coco, that despite the assurances she would have to live with the guilt and the what ifs for the rest of her life. She shifted her gaze from Amanda to her son, sleeping soundly on the couch, a plaid blanket draped over his still form. He looked so peaceful. She dreaded the day the trauma of his kidnap manifested, wiping the serenity from his sweet face.

            “I don’t sleep,” she admitted, unprompted. “I just sit there all night and stare at him. I think that if I close my eyes, even for just a second, he’ll be gone. Every time I pass out and wake up I’m afraid that he’s disappeared.” Her voice cracked and she swallowed hard before continuing. “I wasn’t watching him closely enough and Lewis took him. Twenty years protecting others and I couldn’t protect my own son. That terrifies me.” For a moment Olivia was afraid that she had said the wrong thing, that sharing her own fear and uncertainty would only compound Amanda’s. But when she looked up she saw that Amanda had been watching her closely as she spoke, her own tears drying.

“Fear is normal,” Amanda offered, knowing it wasn’t enough. Olivia nodded. She stared straight ahead, lost to a long-ago memory.

 “I used to think I knew what fear was. The first perp to make me feel afraid on this job was a prick named Richard White. I was about a year in SVU and he started stalking me. Fear back then was roses sent to the precinct.” She scoffed at the innocent detective she had been. “God, I was so naïve. He’d call me and wake me up while I was sleeping. At least I was still sleeping. Since then perps have brought bombs to my desk. They’ve framed me for murder. They’ve put prices on my head. Each time I thought I was afraid, until the day that son of a bitch took Noah.” Amanda didn’t say anything to that. Olivia caught her staring at her out of the corner of the eye. She wondered if she saw a funhouse mirror into the future, a snapshot of what Amanda herself would be in ten, fifteen, twenty years. Finally Amanda replied, quietly enough that it would be inaudible if the apartment weren’t already silent.

            “But you never backed down.”  

            “Maybe I should have.” It was something that a hundred different perps had said to her over the years _“If you’d just let me go, if you wouldn’t press it, I wouldn’t come after you.”_ She had never thought they were right. After all she had always considered her stubbornness one of her greatest assets. But it was that same pigheadedness that had put Noah in danger.

            Olivia was surprised when a hand grasped her wrist. She glanced over to see Amanda staring at her earnestly. It was the first time she’d felt someone’s bare skin on hers since the attack. For some reason it didn’t feel dangerous. Maybe it was because she knew they would be bonded now, forever connected through the fire and trauma of William Lewis.

            “Don’t ever think that. The moment we think like that those bastards get away with it.” Olivia nodded. She stole a glance at the younger detective. She knew there was a long road to recovery ahead, and that it would be even longer for Amanda, with her continued exposure to sex crimes and her history with addiction. Still, Olivia was confident that if there was one group of people she could trust the survivors and victims of Manhattan to it was her team. And that team included a survivor herself. Olivia gently freed her wrist.

            “Do you want me to stay tonight?” Amanda hesitated. Olivia could see the gears turning in her head, asking _how much weakness am I allowed to show?_ But she was still shaken enough from the events of the night to admit this one weakness. She nodded before getting up from her seat and putting the cups in the kitchen sink. Olivia walked over to Noah, pushing his bangs aside to press a gentle kiss to his forehead.

            “Bring him into my room,” Amanda suggested softly, back in the living room. “We can both watch over him.” Olivia barely hesitated before scooping Noah in her arms and following Amanda into her room. She laid Noah in the center of the bed as Amanda climbed in on one side. Olivia hesitated but Amanda gestured to the other side of the bed. “Don’t worry,” she laughed, despite everything. “I promise to stay on my side.” Olivia couldn’t help cracking a smile.

“Good.” In the bed she was surprised at how comfortable she was. She was proud of being able to raise her son by herself, of not needing anyone else. But she’d also hadn’t realized how nice it was to know that she wasn’t the only one protecting Noah. That little boy had the best family he could ask for watching his back, and hers. And nothing could change that, not even retirement. Between that knowledge and the comforting presence of her son beside her her eyes were closed within minutes. And for the first time in nearly two months, Olivia Benson knew peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the finale. I had a great time writing this fic. It's the longest fanfic and second longest piece I've ever written, and I started it on a whim to avoid homework. I never thought that it would get the kudos, views, and comments that it has. You've all been incredible readers, so thank you so much for that. I hope you'll tune back in when I start writing the sequel, and until then I hope that you've had as good a time reading No Surrender as I have writing it. ~Beth


End file.
